Do You Need The Lightness Of Being

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In our difficult times, it has somehow become fashionable that "everything was easy." Someone is waiting for "ease" in business to appear, quietly procrastinating; someone imitates lightness, while plowing like a bee; someone is waiting for help from magicians and psychotherapists on the way to make life easier, and someone is so cheerful and optimistic that they habitually call all tasks "easy". I want to offer you my vision of the issue. The material turned out to be voluminous, and I broke it into semantic pieces for easier perception.

1. Field and volitional behavior

From birth, the child's behavior is arbitrary - he does not move where he needs to, but where he is drawn by the potential for pleasure (or escapes from displeasure). A puddle attracts the child's attention - and now he is already in it. A bright toy, an unusual sound, smell, and so on - he reaches out for what he is interested in and avoids what scares him. I will call this behavior "field". It does not require much effort and is dictated by the "field" - the environment. Getting under the force of the vector of "field behavior" an adult says "I want to", "I am drawn", "I can not help …"

It is normal and natural for a child to move through life in accordance with the "field" vectors, but growing up, socializing, he is faced with certain requirements of the environment, and gradually learns to postpone receiving immediate pleasure for the sake of delayed. They explain to him that doing something that is not too interesting or enjoyable can bring some pleasure or reward in the future. For example, regular brushing of your teeth will allow you to rarely resort to repairing them in the future. The child himself still cannot verify this statement in any way and is forced to take it on faith, but gradually learns to see the delayed results (both positive and negative) of his actions. This behavior - when doing what you need, and not what you want, for the sake of receiving some bonuses in the future, I will call "strong-willed".

In adulthood, part of the behavior remains outfield, for example, to run towards a loved one, seeing him from afar, to lie in bed for half a day on a day off, and part becomes strong-willed, for example, getting up in the morning on an alarm clock, exercising, etc.

2. I want to want to do what I do not want

In my work as a psychotherapist, I regularly come across the hope of people that everything that have to do, can somehow be turned into field behavior. This is called "so that I would like to do it." I wanted to do exercises. I wanted to learn English. I wanted to try to establish contact with colleagues. I wanted to eat healthy food. I wanted to read a smart book. I wanted to learn how to cook … "Please, doctor, wave your magic wand, and let me want it all … just as I want to lie in bed, eat sweets and watch TV series …" Alas, I cannot do this. Nobody can.

Volitional behavior requires effort, and effort is what our "energy-saving" mind strongly "recommends" to avoid. Even the usual and partly mechanical things: brushing the same teeth, cleaning, lifting, etc., always require volitional effort. If a person says “I want to go to training,” this is still a struggle with his “I don’t want”, an effort to want.

Faced with the need to make at least some effort, people quickly decide: oh no, this is not mine! Waiting until will want to, they put their lives in a distant box and wait, playing with toys, sitting on social networks and reading popular articles (that is, moving along the "field vectors" for immediate pleasure), - waiting for when they want to make this very effort to become healthier, more experienced, stronger, richer, more beautiful …

When will they want to make an effort, which they have always avoided, did not like and did not know how to see behind the effort the joy of the result?

There is one option. The only thing that can inadvertently turn the need to make an effort from volitional to field behavior is fear. Usually, fear of punishment or loss. It arises, for example, at moments when a deadline is scheduled to perform some tasks, and punishment for violating it is inevitable. Hence such a love for time trouble. In time trouble, the need to make an effort automatically becomes a field effort - that is, when it is done not for the sake of a result, but in order to avoid displeasure from the inevitable punishment.

3. About effort, violence and psychological trauma

Someone who has slightly touched the sacred psychological knowledge will object to me: how, this is violence against oneself, how can you force yourself! If it is "mine" - I will feel it! It will be easy for me! And those who constantly demonstrate their unshakable will - and get sick, and live miserably and not for long.

There is such a thing. But effort should not be confused with violence. Yes, there are situations when an effort brings with it pain - psychological first of all, and to continue this action means to commit violence against oneself. Let's imagine such a hypothetical situation. There are two boys. In childhood, they fought, both fell, hit their palms, they were in pain. After a while, the pain passed, but they both continued to protect their palms and were afraid to fight. Then both grew up and came to the boxing section. The coach says: hit the pear, don't be afraid. One got up the courage, hit - hurray, it doesn't hurt. And he began to thresh. And the second dared. Once it hurts. Once it's even worse. Once - in general, blood flowed. He got scared and left. He did not know that then, as a child, a splinter was stuck in his palm. And if you don't touch your hand, then everything is ok. And if you beat her, he wounds her with this splinter from the inside, and a specialist is needed to extract it.

Psychological trauma is something similar. For some, everything is "overgrown" and you only need an effort to learn new things, plus an effort to achieve results. And the other one needs a specialist to remove the "splinter" and let the wound "heal". But then - then it will still take an effort. If we ignore the pain and try to endure it, “not feel” in order to meet someone's requirements or expectations, this will be violence against oneself, which may well organize the disease and shorten life.

4. A little more about psychological trauma

The presence of such a psychological trauma is not just "not wanting" or "not easy." You can distinguish it if, during the performance of a certain action, effort, you experience physical activation. Let's say a person hesitates to ask other people. He makes an effort - and, suddenly, he feels that his hands are sweating intensely, his heart jumps out of his chest, he cannot calm down, “I’m flying away from here,” his tongue does not turn, etc. This is not just a familiar excitement, the experience is too intense, not symmetrical to impact … That is, the body seems to begin to actively "resist" this action. How does trauma “work”? It forces a person to develop a certain set of "rules" that cannot be violated, and the observance of which guarantees not a repetition of the traumatic situation. And if “not addressing others with a request” is one of these strict rules, then when you try to violate it, it is the body that will beep: stop, you are entering a dangerous zone.

This condition is useless to ignore and difficult to deal with alone. I recommend psychotherapy.

5. Resisting temptation

Once you've dealt with the injury (or made sure it doesn't exist) and are even ready to make the effort, temptation will lie in wait for you “around the corner”. "Field" pleasures. Momentary, immediate, eating up time, creating the appearance of life. For volitional action, time and place must also be cleared. Give up everything that your life has been doing before. Going to a workout in the evenings is not just straining in the gym two or three times a week, it is also stopping doing that more or less pleasant thing that you did at this time before. Consciously give up this action and learn to avoid temptation.

· I do my exercises in the morning. And every morning I don't want to get up half an hour earlier to do it. And only the inner decision “I want to do this because I want the effect that I get thanks to exercise” lifts me out of bed.

6. Summary

Most new things, even the most desirable and attractive ones, will require volitional efforts from you at one point or another: maybe at the first failure or difficulty; or when the desired result cannot be achieved quickly and easily; or when you start comparing yourself to someone against your own advantage … To give up something new, to give up a difficult one is a normal field behavior, a natural desire to escape from the need to strain. Children under 5 years old can do this only. Adults have a choice. And it's not scary that something will not work out. After all, each of us lives for the first time.