The Man In The Procrustean Bed Of Expectations

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I invite each reader to conduct a thought experiment. Imagine a family with a boy and a girl. Which of the children do you think parents will most often ask to take out the trash, and who will be asked to wash the dishes?

I want to talk about how the expectations of others affect the life of each of us. It will be mainly about men. This does not mean that women experience less pressure from family and social stereotypes. It's just that, being a man, it's more convenient for me to talk about men.

I read on the website of a recent conference in Moscow on the psychology of the modern man: "… on the shoulders of a man is responsibility for people and events in his life." Here it is! Expectation. As if he and only he who feels and realizes some special responsibility for others is a man. And isn't responsibility for our own lives the lot of all of us, regardless of gender. Another quote from the same place: "The happiness of his woman, the well-being of children and the position in society directly depend on his (man's) behavior and decisions." Everything seems to be good. But … you really don't see any catch? Or do you think that only one who lives in marriage can be called a man? Or is the one who does not have or, perhaps, does not want to have children - not a man? And, is there really some special position in society, which is definitely better than some other positions? Oops! … Social expectations again. Or another example: "… a man who is emotionally open and has the right moral principles is … a role model."

Are you seriously? A role model? I agree that moral principles are the yardstick. But with emotional expression, not everything is so simple. After all, there are men who do not suppress their feelings, and by their temperament are not inclined to emotional expressiveness. And there are such women too. And that doesn't make them less feminine. By the way, the organizers of that conference promised the participants that they would be able to: “find out what, when and how men think. Use knowledge and experience in male psychology to find your own Man (with a capital letter). I dare say that different men in different situations think in different ways and in different ways. The exception is those men who think in stereotypes and patterns. It is up to you, dear ladies, to decide whether you need just such.

And now I am ready to express one of the main ideas of this article. I think that in nature there are no Men (with a capital letter). I believe that there are no men from Mars. Every time an attempt is made to formulate the definition of masculine, courageous, a model is created that can correspond to 18 people … Moreover, some of them will be women. And, dear reader, believe me, I'm not crazy. I am aware that men and women are different from each other. In the end, each of us has nothing in the limit but name, gender and age (not surprisingly, all questionnaires begin with these three items). I am only arguing that sex and gender differences are less significant than individual ones.

Each of us every day decides to be with himself, with people around him and with the world. And my experience as a psychotherapist shows that the expectations of a boy / man on the part of his loved ones and society as a whole often strongly affect his mental health. Many men fail to “digest” the attitudes instilled in them in the parental family and the influence of gender stereotypes in society. How to deal with all this?

In general, stereotypes are not a bad thing. They "save" thinking, help reduce anxiety, and most often facilitate social interaction. The origin of problems is usually rooted at the individual, personal level. During those moments or periods when each of us absorbs and appropriates patterns, values and beliefs. Now you will understand what I mean … "Boys don't cry." "Don't act like a girl." "Be a man". "This is not a kid." "You acted like a man." I think you can imagine what a colossal number of boys and men hear such words. I have an acquaintance who now runs a biological laboratory at one of the European universities. He got his first potato hybrid when he was 11 years old. Not a kid? And he heard a lot of the same in his address then. Millions of boys hear these words, phrases, orders, orders almost every day. And they are forced to spend their entire future life with the consequences of absorbing these words. For our sons, the path from childhood to masculinity is littered with harmful words and stereotypes.

The negative influence of the attitudes, expectations of parents and society is not so obvious. I guess such implicit influences happen even more often. I will cite as an example the story of one of my patients. A man of about forty is so severely depressed that medication has already been prescribed, and he turned to me for psychotherapy. In general, successful both in work and in family life. Everything seems to be fine, but there are clinical symptoms of depression. The essence of the internal conflict boiled down to the following. His mother often told him the following: “Son, remember! The main thing in life is family. Look at dad. He does everything to make us feel good, and we do not need anything. He behaves like a real man. I hope that you will be like this when you grow up. Agree, good words and good wishes. But … The imprinting of these attitudes led my patient to the formation of the belief that if he cannot do everything for his family that he considers necessary, then this means that he is bad, untenable, inappropriate, unnecessary. And depression is right there. It took him a while for the rigidity of his beliefs and ideas about what he should be to weaken and the depression left him.

So, each of us, being under the influence of the force field of expectations and stereotypes, wanting to correspond to a chaotic cacophony of demands, runs the risk of putting ourselves in this Procrustean bed. By doing this, we lose part of ourselves. And I'm not sure who is at risk more: men or women. It sounds presumptuous, but I know that many of you understand this and are wondering how to get out of these tough cells when they are so deeply rooted in most of us. Everyone has the right to decide what makes sense to you, even if it requires us to abandon stereotypes and expectations, if it requires us to go beyond our gender. I am convinced that self-development is not a movement towards something ideal and, moreover, not towards something average, it is a movement towards one's own natural essence. In my opinion, masculinity, as well as femininity, lies in refusing to follow stereotypes and expectations.

Sometimes I think of a person's life as a score, the notes of a wonderful melody. And, if someone or something tells you that a fourth should sound here, and a third is written in your score, then, playing a fourth, you betray yourself and sound out of tune. True, there remains a problem or task: how to hear your own melody?

And, since my reasoning is mainly about men, I invite the male reader to reflect at their leisure on the following questions (women can do this too):

1. Who or what, in your opinion, decides, defines what is "masculinity", "masculine"?
2. What role does nature and nurture play in these definitions?
3. Does being a man determine your roles and functions at home, at work, and in society in general?
4. Are there innate traits in men that predispose them to more successful leadership?
5. Are men more gifted than women?

I think now it will be logical to talk about what men can do in relation to stereotypes and expectations. And perhaps the best way to achieve change in yourself and in society is to realize your own prejudices and stereotypes about yourself and others. Psychologists assume that each person carries both masculine and feminine parts. I can refer, for example, to the archetypes of the Animus and Anima described by Jung. I am convinced that the integration of both of these parts leads to psychological well-being and balance.

You probably notice stereotypes around you. Some of you may be sensitive to gender-based discrimination. There are ways to challenge stereotypes to help yourself first. It is important to adjust your sensitivity to situations in which you are treated as some kind of general scheme. This will allow you to feel your own uniqueness and value more sharply.

1. Point out and challenge. The media and the Internet are teeming with negative stereotypes. An example is the advertisement “Daddy Can!”. Be the person who points out stereotypes to inattentive people. Talk to friends and family about stereotypes you see and help others understand how stereotypes can be harmful. Challenge the bearers of negative stereotypes online and in reality. Sometimes it is enough to round your eyes and say: "Sir / Madam, you are a sexist!"
2. Be an example. Be a role model for your friends and family. Respect people regardless of their gender identity. Create an atmosphere of safety in your interactions with people, in which they will understand that they can express their true qualities, regardless of what stereotypes and expectations exist in society.
3. Try it. Experiment and take risks. Try to do something that is not always associated with the male gender. Go to a vocal studio, ask for an amateur theater, sign up for a cooking or ceramics course. Try it. People will learn from your example.

What else can you do? Pay attention to your own children. It is important to be puzzled to reduce the risk of negative stereotypes and expectations being influenced by them.

1. Take an inventory of your own gender stereotypes and beliefs. Listen to your speech. Exclude from it "the boy should / should not …"
2. Encourage your child to spend time with different sex peers.
3. Demonstrate your own stereotype-breaking behavior. For example, tell your son about your experiences of sadness and tears.
4. Pay attention to the manifestation of the stereotypical attitude of the child in his games. Pay attention to this, suggest alternatives. For example, after a battle of soldiers, you can bury the dead and grieve for them.
5. Encourage children to talk about their feelings and tell them about yours.
6. Affirm the idea that it's okay to be yourself.
7. Be mindful of your children's long-term expectations. Perhaps the main message can be something like this: “I want you to be happy in life and realize yourself as fully as possible. I want you to do what you love according to your inclinations and interests. I believe that you can handle everything that life brings you. And I will be there and will help you and support you as much as I can."

Now let's summarize.

It is impossible to talk about a Man without killing a man. Extreme gender stereotypes are harmful because they prevent people from fully expressing themselves and their emotions. For example, it is harmful for men to feel that they are not allowed to cry or express sensitive emotions. It is harmful to women that they are not allowed to be independent, intelligent, or assertive. Breaking gender stereotypes allows each of us to be better.

Self-improvement is not a movement towards something better or ideal, but a movement towards your own essence. Men and women are people; they are more than just men or women. Our gender is only part of who we are; he does not define us as human beings.

Criticism towards one's own and social stereotypes is the most important condition for self-improvement.

I understand that what I have said is ambiguous. In addition, I am aware that I myself am falling into a trap. After all, to assert any idea as correct means creating a stereotype. All the same, I go for this insolence. And I am grateful to those who have read to the end.