2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The world very often does not live up to our expectations.
This simple reality is very difficult to bear if hopes and expectations from it persist - in support, acceptance, recognition.
The same given is more easily transferred if there is an internal resource for self-acceptance, faith in oneself, and self-support.
This resource allows you not to depend on acceptance, recognition to the extent that a child dependent on adults needs it.
In any zone of being, where we managed to accept ourselves, appropriate our value, we stop waiting for confirmation from the world that we are good enough and everything is fine with us.
And we stop depending on him.
If I believed that I was a good enough mother.
If I believed that I am an attractive woman.
If I admitted that I am a professional.
If I am sure that I have the right to my vote, my opinion, my choice….
If I am confident that other people can survive on their own, without me, and I will not be bad if I prefer myself.
If I am in good contact with myself - my needs, my feelings, my defenses, I know them, understand them, accept them, and manage them like a good parent manages a child - with attention, but also with boundaries.
All that is recognized becomes a resource.
When I meet with a negative assessment from someone … I remain valuable, I remain significant. A negative assessment is a possible development zone.
Perhaps I need to clarify something with the other - what caused his displeasure.
Perhaps it was my mistake. Perhaps he misunderstood something. Perhaps he wants more than I can give him.
His assessment does not change my ideas about myself.
It reveals a problem area in relations between us, which I will be able to clarify. Or it won't.
Everything not appropriated, not recognized in itself remains a zone of merging with the world. In this zone of non-appropriation of myself - by myself, in the current state - the way I can be at this moment in time.
In this zone, I await confirmation from the world that everything is fine with me.
In this zone, I expect the world to give me what my parents did not give.
In this zone, I still do not trust myself and am afraid that others will not believe me.
In this zone, I create codependent relationships with the world in general and with individuals in particular.
Often the question "Why are you so dumb?" means something completely different: "Why don't you understand and accept me?"
Or here's the question: "Why are you so irresponsible?" means - "I can't help but take your responsibility, I get involved in solving your problems - because I'm afraid of losing control over the relationship"
Or - "How can you live without me, enjoy life?" means: "In order for me to enjoy life, I need you to be there always when I need you."
This is how we can discover our merging with the world. In their expectations, in their shortages, in their attempts to control, to hold on to the situation, to prevent changes that can lead to losses.
The most disturbing, the least resourceful, bind Others and bind themselves - the most rigidly, violently.
Those who have the resource “let go” more, give more rights to separateness, give more freedom.
My clients, after several years of therapy, talk about it with bitterness.
That they are already ready - to "release" their loved ones into their separate life, to clarify controversial points (which, by the way, are inevitable, because different people are different worlds, and friction between worlds is a natural thing), ready to exchange feelings, ready to accept the imperfections of their loved ones, but …
Their loved ones are not ready for the same. Not ready for clarifications, not ready to share responsibility, not ready to let go, not ready to change.
(Perhaps, with the exception of children, who, as a rule, welcome such changes).
It can be difficult to come to terms with this …
It seems so simple. Take just a step and hear. One more step - and understand. One more step - and let go.
While we are waiting for these changes, insisting on them, we are still merging with the world. Depending on him. Not in collaboration with him.
Some choose to change, some don't.
Someone chooses a separation, and someone is so scared that it still seems to him that it is possible to survive only in a merger.
And both of these "someone" have equal rights to their choice …
Sometimes the difference that has arisen between them becomes so great that one can come to the disappointing conclusion that only blood relationship remained in common.
In all other respects, we are completely different worlds.
The world often does not live up to our expectations.
This is easiest to transfer to someone who has their own resources in stock.
This is the conviction of one's own worth, goodness, the conviction of the right to one's needs, feelings and desires, this is the right to choose oneself when it is necessary to share YOUR resources.
This is the willingness to take energy where they are ready to give, from many different sources - and not one where codependency pulls.
“I thought that my man was emotionally stupid, but it turned out that he was just different ….. Not like me, he sees everything differently. I thought - as I feel, he should feel the same…. Now it is much easier for me after we have clarified everything."
“I didn’t believe that my child would cope on his own, I reminded him when to get up, when to do homework, when to sleep…. How to think correctly, what to want, but he resisted, and I was angry. Now I see that he himself is coping - it was all about my anxiety. Now it is easier for me and for my son."
“I thought that if I can't get through to my mother - so that she understands me, then it’s in me. I still haven't found the right words and arguments. Now I clearly realize that she does not hear it. I did all I could. She won't be able to hear me, but I shouldn't support her illusions of a close-knit family either. It let me go great."
The world is different.
We don't owe each other anything.
We either agree or we don't.
Either we give it of our own free will (love, care), or we don’t.
Or we take everything the same. Or we don't.
As we choose - so it will be)
Veronika Khlebova,
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