2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Your son or daughter has finally grown to this important period, hurray! At the same time, you are confused and do not know what to do with it. How not to approach the growing child - as if bumping into huge thorns. The brainchild is sometimes angry and screaming, then it closes in the room and does not want to see anyone. And most importantly - for him, it is as if the world is painted in black and white. There is either "complete horror" or "superclass", ugliness or ideal beauty, love or hate …
Let's try to figure out what kind of age it is - adolescence, what are its features and, most importantly, how to behave to us, parents, with their children, who are definitely not children, but not yet adults.
WHEN THE FOREST ALONG THE BELT AND THE SEA ALONG THE KNEE
As a psychologist, I work a lot with teenagers and I understand for sure that this age is difficult, first of all, for parents. Why do I think so? Because in fact, the parent has many functions in relation to the teenager, and they require a lot of patience and understanding. Adolescence is inherently a stage of contradictions and struggles of multidirectional forces. And they fight, first of all, inside the teenager himself. Well, for example, he really wants to have all the freedoms of an adult, to decide what and how to do, where to go to study and how many children to give birth to. On the other hand, this same teenager dreams, if something goes wrong with him, then someone big and strong would come and save him, spread straws for him, correct mistakes and this teenager would live the same cloudlessly further. … And now, torn on the one hand by the desire to live to the fullest, to finally break free from this very care of the parent, and on the other hand, fettered by fear and the desire to hide behind someone's back, a teenager lives and cannot find a place for himself. Hence the maximalism. When it leans in one direction, they commit bold and sometimes rash actions from the point of view of an adult, when it tends to the other, they hide and behave like children, without being responsible for anything. And the most important thing is that until a teenager goes to these two extremes and does not feel them, he will not be able to understand where the middle is and truly grow up.
CHALLENGES OF TRANSITION
Adolescence is the age of idealization and devaluation, achievement and self-affirmation among siblings (approximately equal in age). Here's a simple example: a client, a 14-year-old girl of normal physique, comes and says that she is very, very unhappy with her appearance, that she considers herself ugly fat and is desperately trying to lose weight in pursuit of the ideal. She is driven by a very strong need to recognize herself as beautiful and attractive among boys and girls of the same age. And the only way to satisfy her is to desperately lose weight. Teenagers appreciate those and what is considered successful, prestigious, recognized in society, paying attention to the income of parents, the prestige of the gymnasium, university for admission, etc. This is due to the fact that their personal values, tested by experience, have not yet been formed.
Adolescence is a stage of very rapid growth and body formation, the production of a large number of hormones, and puberty. At this age, the body, in contrast to the psyche, becomes ready for sexual life. Psychologically, however, a teenager matures gradually.
HOW TO BE WITH YOURSELF WITH A TEENAGER
First of all, parents should understand that changes have come and they need to change their way of behavior. If before the parent was an authority for the child, and he obeyed him, now the times are different. The teenager wants to be recognized and respected - as a person who has his own opinion. Probably, this is what parents are often very difficult to do. They are so worried about their child that they unconsciously do not allow him to become a separate person and gain his own, separate experience.
Here's an example: 16-year-old Masha hates her mother for the fact that she constantly controls her every step. Masha is tired of this and is thinking about suicide (such thoughts are typical in adolescence), because she does not see any other way to cope with the pressure of her mother. Or another situation: an authoritarian father does not allow his 15-year-old daughter to walk with his peers in the evening. He fears that his beautiful daughter will be seduced by a bad guy. Thus, he protects his daughter from any communication with friends. And this is her main need now. Result: Lera is deeply depressed, does not talk to anyone, hardly eats.
First rule for parents: The teenager needs more freedom than before. Give him more personal space.
What if you notice that a teenage child thinks in two dimensions, that he has either complete success or failure, or he is madly in love - or is that all, life is over and there will be no more happiness?
Second rule for parents: Allow your teenager to be in a state of "black and white world", while accepting and supporting him, sympathize with his feelings.
It is important to refrain from assessments like "You still don't understand anything, it's not like that at all!" or "You don't know anything about life." Even if you clearly see the solution to your child's mental problem, do not discount his own path: he is what he is and thanks to him the teenager becomes an adult.
In a relationship with a teenager, it is important to feel the balance of parental involvement and nonparticipation in his life. If you get too involved in your own business, you risk losing the trust of your son or daughter. If you completely isolate yourself, your child may feel completely alone and helpless.
Third rule for parents: Try to be in constant dialogue with your teenager. Ask regularly: "Is my advice important to you now, or can you handle it yourself?"
Here it is important to ask exactly about the appropriateness of each step towards the child: is he needed now or the teenager is coping on his own.
In adolescence, each person begins to search for himself and tries to answer the questions: who am I ?, what am I ?, what am I living for? Teens tend to beat themselves up for not being perfect.
The fourth rule for parents: Try to criticize your son or daughter less. Pay more attention to his or her success and what you like. This will support the still shaky self-esteem.
HOW TO DEAL WITH A PARENTAL ANXIETY
Giving a teenager more freedom, we automatically begin to worry and even fear that our beloved child, out of inexperience, does not do some irreparable harm. This feeling of anxiety and fear for the child is normal, because we really let go of control, and we have to somehow cope with it. You can tell a teenager about your experiences, this will be another marker for him that he is loved, that he is not indifferent.
It's another matter if the anxiety goes off scale and the only way to somehow cope with it is to completely control all the child's actions, to "interrogate" where he was and what he did and how, and even worse, to walk, for example, everywhere with him, to demand so that he or she can spend time at home, with parents, and not with friends. This behavior of the parent is more likely to serve the needs of the parent himself, rather than the needs of the child. In this case, the teenager risks remaining infantile, unable to make his own decisions and gain his own experience.
TEST: GET TO KNOW A YOUNGER
It's no secret that teenagers tend to distance themselves and hide a lot from their parents. And this is not bad, because a growing person needs his own space. At the same time, you will certainly want to know what is in the soul of a son or daughter.
I offer you a fabulous test. On occasion, ask the child to supplement these sentences:
If I had a magic wand, the first thing I would do is … _
If I had a magic ball, it would lead me to … _
If I had an invisibility hat, I would urgently hide from … _
If I had two from the box, I would ask them … _
If there was a self-assembled tablecloth, I would … _
(And if she started up at a friend's / friend's, then …
If I were running boots, instead of school / work, I would rush … _
If they gave me a fire shield, like Baba Yaga's, I would … _
If I had a wooden eagle, I would be on it …
If I got to a crossroads and read on a stone about three roads, then I would go
If I had composed these inscriptions myself, I would have written on the stone … _
If I had an invisibility hat, I would wear it when … _
If I caught a goldfish, I would never ask her / a o … _
The secret of this test is very simple. In essence, it contains sentences that are similar in meaning. This is done so that the teenager has the opportunity to first write what you like or what you “need” so as not to “shine”, and then, having relaxed, speaks in a simpler language about what he really wants or what he worries.
Illustrations: street artist Seth Globepainter
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