His Own Tormentor. Internal Conflict As A "vaccine" Against Intimacy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

If you are having relationship problems, do not waste time trying to figure them out all the time. Look for your inner conflict. This road to change is shorter.

The essence of all external conflicts between people lies, first of all, in the internal contradictions of a person with himself. If I hadn't had a contradiction inside me on some issue, if I had “calmness and grace in my soul,” I would not have had to unfold it outside and make it the property of relations.

This does not mean that you need to shut up and stop clarifying important feelings, needs, meanings. Of course this is important.

I'm talking about those conflicts when a lot of time is spent on clarification, people “go in circles,” and things, as they say, are still there. That is, nothing fundamentally changes.

Psychological splitting in the intermediate phase of development

External events largely depend on how we are organized internally. And the attitude of those around us, and the "selection" of those around us, and in general everything that we have and do not have in life, depends largely on how integral we are from the inside. How integrated are our ambivalences, how much our psyche can simultaneously accommodate those meanings that in fact exclude each other.

Of course, this ability to feel and be aware of oneself as an integral organism belongs to a person with a mature psyche. That is, a psychologically adult personality. This does not work for children; at every stage of development, the child learns his own range of possibilities, and he is limited.

Internal contradictions are, in fact, the same splitting. When something splits into halves, to make it easier to accept, understand, organize. At a certain age, it is easier for a child to understand what is good and what is bad, splitting the world into good and bad, and the peculiarities of the world, people - also decomposing into these two categories. So at least somehow you can navigate in order to ensure your safety and comfort. But if this is enough for a child, because there is an adult nearby, with a more complex mental organization, then for the adult himself, such a perception of the world will not be enough.

The more split the psyche, the more difficult it is to make your life of high quality, to enjoy it. All the time you will need to fight with someone or something, all the time you will feel like a winner or a victim and need protection.

Many physically adults remain in their souls at certain childhood stages of development. Of course, this does not mean that they are not adapted to everyday life, very much even. After all, the main child's play is the manipulation of adults, and many adults can survive in this way throughout their lives, manipulating the environment.

But any manipulation is a very distorted contact with another person. Essentially, this is non-contact. After all, manipulation is designed to bypass the will and consciousness of another.

So, such people can be adapted - to have a job, a family, established social ties. All the attributes of an adult and socially successful person. But in their souls they can feel completely differently - to experience suffering without finding reasons for it.

Manifestations of internal conflict in relationships

When there are too many unresolved contradictions in the soul, which are mostly not realized, but only manifest in certain states or feelings, a desire to urgently do or say something. For example, at some point you can experience strong physical discomfort or feelings - guilt, shame, resentment. Or the desire to argue, to prove your point of view. Or do something to spite someone, fight with someone, prove.

An example is the notorious "yes, but …" game. When a person unfolds some of his problems to others, and they begin to give him some recommendations, often, by the way, very appropriate, but he answers all this: "Yes, this is good, but …". And then there is an explanation of why "but". And there is always this reason. The brain will generate it in a split second.

But in fact, the game of "yes, but" is preceded by a deeply unconscious and, moreover, not a spoken internal conflict. And this conflict is in one head of one person. And he communicates with himself. Because there is a split in this head: there is one part that says: "We must do this!" And there is another part that says: "No, that's it!". And tears the poor head into two halves every second.

Where do internal conflicts come from?

Of course, they were at first external, like everything that later became our psychic reality. They were someone's voices, actions and actions. Or maybe even shrugs and smirks. And all these manifestations of others were in contradiction with each other. So, the same mom or the same dad could say that you always need to share with friends, and when their son came home from school without an algebra notebook, in which he had to do his homework, and which he "shared" with a friend, a boy, of course, scolded. "Why are you wasting your things!" - they said.

Here, unfortunately, parents rarely explain the nuances, the consequences - what will happen if you do this, what will happen if that happens … In such a situation or in such a situation. Usually there is not enough time for this, and education is limited to short, capacious phrases. And what do we have in the end? Two messages: "always share" and "never give", for example. And here's how to live with it? What and when to use? In which cases? Unclear. Here the psyche gets out somehow - all the time being in conflict with itself. And often a lot of energy and effort is spent on this.

How internal conflict becomes external

A person with an unconscious inner split is forced to place him in communication with other people. Well, here's an example. One person deceived another, stole money. And then, when it turned out, he began to blame him: they say, it was you who brought me, I was forced to take them! Why is this happening? Inside the one who stole, two parts are fighting: the one that believes that he needs money and it is easy to get it in a known way, and the one that believes that stealing is bad, shameful.

But in a relationship, he projects one of the parties onto the opponent. And he leaves another for himself, and then it is somehow easier - to defend only one point of view, and not just two within oneself.

Or, for example, it often happens: a man is married, but wants another woman. And, for example, internal attitudes do not allow to desire it. But when he nevertheless allows himself to realize his desire in some kind of condemned form, then in order to somehow get rid of the “bouquet” of difficult feelings - guilt, shame, etc., he tries to assign responsibility for what he has done to the object his desires: they say, all this you put on a short skirt, so I could not stand it! Then one internal opponent is projected into this woman (who, for example, says: “live in pleasure”), and the other opponent remains to himself - “you cannot cheat on your wife,” for example.

And so you can make out many conflicts and misunderstandings.

How to deal with internal conflicts

Everything would be fine, but our contradictions prevent us from building relationships with others. The scenarios for such relationships are either a break or distance (detachment), or an eternal struggle, resentment, pain (in a circle).

Therefore, the main job is to discover, be aware of and integrate the split elements. That is, to finish the work for which once the parents or teachers or those who raised us did not have enough time or skills. And we know that 100% for all the time and skills will never be enough and that something is definitely left for "own revision".

The algorithm of work is as follows: it is necessary to unfold all the contradictions and "play out" for yourself. That is, already with a mature intellect, an adult gaze, to treat those simple attitudes that are appropriated. Reflect in more detail on all "conflicting topics." What is really “good” for me and when, where and how. And what is “bad” for me - when, where and how. This is a rather capacious and difficult job.

Often this requires a trained specialist, psychologist or psychotherapist to help detect and unfold the inner split. It will help its parts to "agree". When the contradiction ceases to act out inside, a person usually experiences calmness and confidence, he no longer needs to get out and hide something from himself and others. He is clear and calm. He accepts both his own imperfection and the imperfection of the world, where, in essence, everything is contradictory and chaos reigns. He - like a surfer - only "catches the wave".