"I Was The Perfect Mother Until I Had Children" (cit.)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"I was the perfect mother until I had children." (cit.)

Meeting your own motherhood can take place in different ways. And it depends not only on planning, the degree of responsibility and material preparedness.

With the birth of a child, an interesting event takes place in the psyche of a woman - identification with the child and her own mother.

What does this mean? The fact that a woman, through her child, seems to have to face the states of her childhood anew. And what seemed to be left behind the door and long forgotten, suddenly begins to come to life. This is often a test for those for whom the usual way to cope is to pull themselves together or not pay attention. It doesn't work here. Because your own beloved desired child is at the same time a reminder of your own childhood pain.

And then the amount of anxiety, fears, irritation "from nowhere" can grow. You can rationalize this by saying that "life is like this now." But does this explanation help? As well as trying to extinguish anxiety about a child, not for long. Own toddler becomes a kind of indicator of where it was hard for mom herself in childhood. Someone cannot and does not want to carry and swing a baby, someone "boils" from the independence of a two-year-old, someone is constantly fighting for power with a four-year-old. And the “right” recommendations either add guilt or are devalued. Society expects mature reactions from a novice mother, and even creates an unattainable picture of "an ideal mother with an ideal child," but the mother herself knows that things are different inside.

The second surprise for a woman is the repetition of the mother's parenting style. “How many times have I told myself that I’m not going to act like my mother, but it’s the same thing!”

What the girl suffered from, what she was angry with in childhood, seemed to have moved away, forgotten as she grew up, separated from her mother. At least, it didn’t matter so much. But in your own motherhood, you can find that this style has become a part of yourself, that you have not run away from it, but continue to automatically reproduce in the absence of other experience.

It turns out that in motherhood, a woman's relationship with her own mother and her childhood experience are also of great importance. And what to do with all this happiness if he responds?

I do not have a specific answer to this question, tk. all cases are individual. I can tell you about the stages of childhood, so that for mothers there was some help in understanding what attracts her so much, and what may be connected with.

So, from birth to one year - the period of infancy. Time meant for forming a bond with an adult, getting to know your body and separating yourself from the general chaos of the environment. The time when the reference point in the coordinate system of the surrounding world begins to be designated - the physical, bodily I.

The child not only becomes attached, but also ties the adult to himself. A smile, a scent, and outstretched handles. This connection will be needed in order not to subsequently experience devastating loneliness. It is built from the reciprocal glances of facial expressions, gestures and touches. Sensitivity based resonance. In fact, the ability to hear the parent is laid right now, and not when the words appear. In animals, this is very clearly visible: if newborn kittens begin to squeak, then the mother cat immediately runs to them. Subsequently, the grown kittens resort almost immediately to the mother to her quiet “meow”.

Women who find it difficult to be in close contact with an infant, apparently, have not received a positive experience of attachment or there is a fear of losing this connection if it does.

The second stage - 2-3 years - the separation period. A child who has been saturated with compatibility and received confirmation of the safety of the world begins to feel curiosity about what is happening and expand his world, running further and returning. On this "I want" the progress of development moves: I wanted to get that little thing - I was able to climb behind it on the shelves of the closet). He can use his body, mastering more and more complex actions, he has words with which he can get the result: "drink!" - and mom gives a cup of drink. Magic! Great pleasure from mastering this world, from independent steps and discoveries. Euphoria from how much can ITSELF! The appearance of "I" in speech as a sign of the emergence of one's own psychological territory. The beginning of the development of self-regulation: activity - calming. If a connection is formed the day before, the child is able to learn this from another, from an adult.

For women who did not go through their stage of separation, or received a ban on independence in due time, the period of separation of the child can be quite difficult and accompanied by the desire to either "tie it tighter" or punish "oh, you yourself, then do not contact me." … It is very difficult to face the childish “I myself, I am separate” simply as a fact that has a right to exist, and not as a source of threat.

If the connection was not formed in the previous stage, then the mother's frequent complaint is "he just does not hear me!"

Stage Three - Period 3-6 years. "I am value!" First puberty. The stage that lays the foundation for heterosexual relationships. The flow of love to the parent of the opposite sex and competition with the parent of the same gender. The period of development of strategies of behavior (how should I be with others). What should I be to be loved (from people, to people, against people). Mastering role models of behavior through play, collective and symbolic.

Women who have not received a positive experience of this stage in childhood can become strongly involved in the struggle-competition with their daughter or create an alliance with their son against the dad. And in this period, mothers find it more difficult with their daughters. Especially if the phonite is of its own lost value. You can face questions related to your own sexuality.

Therefore, it is not for nothing that they say that our children are our teachers. Or, at the very least, they give a reason to become more attentive to yourself. And the meeting in motherhood with your own processes speaks not of your own goodness or badness as a mother, but of your personal history. It can be recognized as a fact, or carried to a psychotherapist, or you can accept help from the closest circle of relatives who can make up for the child what he needs at a certain age stage, if it is difficult for the mother herself to do this.