HOW To Bring Up PERFECT Children?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Today, we can say that parents do not have children, but vice versa.

Many parents turn to me with the question of how to maintain a balance in raising children and what principles should be adhered to?

Unfortunately, there are no universal tips and rules for raising ideal offspring, as well as preventive measures. However, there are some points and principles in relationships with children that can help in education.

Psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan said that three are already involved in conception - this is the desire of the father, mother and child. The child is already a person, even if it has not yet been born.

It is important from infancy to listen to him, respect his opinion and choice, asking a simple question "what does the child want at the moment?"

If you have more than one answer to this question - bravo! You are "good enough parents" (according to D.-V. Winnicot).

Françoise Dolto - French psychoanalyst, pediatrician and classic of child psychoanalysis, believed that the child's psyche begins to develop in the womb, and any violations can be corrected by education.

It is important to talk HONEST with your child.

Some people advise to communicate with children "on equal terms", however, experts differ on this score. After all, parents must raise children, and this implies a hierarchical relationship with parental authority. Especially in adolescence, this makes it possible to separate from parents, opinions and outlooks on life with which they differ. Then it is important for the parent to let go of the child and not be afraid of losing his love. It is common for adolescents to devalue their parents and their way of life, because it’s easier to break away from the parental home and build their own independent life.

Françoise Dolto addresses this topic of relationships in her work “A Conversation with a Teenager. Lobster complex.

The book for early parenting was "On the side of the child", which was published back in 1986. Here Françoise Dolto addresses the topic of parent-child relationships in the spirit of mutual respect for the personality of the child.

There are several aspects that parents should be guided by, however, it should be remembered that there are no universal recommendations or rules for raising the ideal child.

Every child is unique. Therefore, sincerity, ingenuity, intuition and …

Parents should accept that mistakes are inevitable. It's just enough to try to be honest with your child, talk about your feelings and communicate more with children instead of comparing them to their peers and yourself to other parents. It is important to calmly go your own way and not strive for the ideals or norms that parents and their children should be.

Simple communication with a child is much more important than hugs, gifts and parental sacrifices. Moreover, studies prove that playing with simple toys (made from natural materials, simple shapes, pastel colors) DEVELOPS the child's FANTASY and forms his ability to find more solutions in life situations. Therefore, filling the child with variegated various toys, parents deprive him of this opportunity.

Parents should wake up forgotten childhood feelings as often as possible. It is immersion in one's own childhood that sometimes helps to better understand the child, feel his experiences and find the right words for him.

Conversations from the perspective of personal feelings can help generations to restore dialogue, and the phrase "I am your age too …" is sometimes enough to establish contact.

F. Dolto: “A child is not at all what adults think of him. Adults suppress the child in themselves and at the same time strive to ensure that the child behaves the way they want. Such upbringing is aimed at repetition of the society of adults, that is, a society from which ingenuity, creative power, courage and poetry of childhood and adolescence, the enzyme of the renewal of society have been taken away."

In addition, the child is often convinced that everything that happens to him has never happened to anyone before. A similar experience of parents can be an unexpected discovery and additional support for him. Communication with a child is the most valuable manifestation of parental care, much more important than hugs, gifts, and even more sacrifices.

Happy parents have happy children

A correct example is better than any measure

But even during sincere conversations, one should be aware of the difference in ages and roles. For the child, the parent must remain the parent figure. You should not discuss too personal intimate topics with children or try to establish unlimited friendships on an equal footing. You should respect the child's intimacy and your own: "the door to the parent's bedroom must be tightly locked!"

Sooner or later, it is important for the child to exclude himself from the family triangle and understand that the parents have a relationship with each other in which he does not participate. This is the key to further normal separation from the family, independence and growing up of children.

Each member of the family has its own place: parents, children, grandparents, aunts-uncles, brothers-sisters, nephews, etc.

No wonder there are certain terms for defining such a hierarchy of family relations. It is important for a child to know his place in the family, because this will help him in the future to find his place in society.

Parents will be able to adhere to a strong educational position and remain an authority for the child only if they are treated with respect.

For example, Françoise Dolto called force-feeding or being put to bed unacceptable and demeaning. She urged not to kiss children, especially against their will: “We shower the child with caresses, believing that by doing so we are showing goodwill to him. In fact, we ourselves are trying to find salvation and hope in his arms, we are trying to avoid orphanhood and loneliness. All this has nothing to do with benevolence. It's just selfishness."

The innocence of a child, according to Dolto, also requires respect - parents should not strip naked, change clothes or take a shower in front of him, as they would not do it in front of a guest.

Corporal punishment is unacceptable, but Dolto argues that a slap that breaks loose from powerlessness is more honest than punishment "with a cold head", because you cannot methodically torture a child.

Here a sense of proportion is important: one should not leave the child aside and without attention, care, but it is also bad to make children the center of the universe and overly patronize, love. Experts have proven that the result of such opposite approaches is often the same difficulties or violations.

Therefore, a sense of proportion is probably the best advice that psychologists can give in recommendations for raising children.

Particular attention should be paid to speech and words - not only their meaning, truthfulness, sincerity, but also the very manner of communication. You should not call each other "mom" and "dad". In a conversation with a child, you should clarify: "your dad", "your mom". Such treatment leads to a violation of understanding of the relationship between the parents themselves and in the future can lead to a decrease in sexual attraction between them.

Shouldn't call a child in third person … Parents should avoid discussing the child in his presence, because such conversations turn him into a jester, or, even worse, into an object who knows that the conversation is about him, although he himself does not take part in this conversation.

Respect means integrating the child into the life of the parents and teaching him, in turn, to respect them. For example, if the family adheres to the schedule, it would be fair to send the child to their room at a certain hour, explaining that the parents also have the right to rest. At the same time, it is not so important what he will do there: sleep or play.

The child appears in the life of the parents, and not they come into his life!

Sometimes the parents' magic word for a child is "NO" … Learning to refuse or forbid is an important task for parents. In this case, it is not always necessary to search for the right words. It is enough just to say: "I forbid you, because I am your parent." In the upbringing system, this forms in children an understanding that all parents can raise their children and this is normal. The needs of the child, which, in fact, are not so many, should be satisfied, but it is not at all necessary to fulfill all his desires. Moreover, the ability to say “no” is a parent's duty. Refusal increases the child's creativity: he fights disappointment, dreams, sublimates, thinks out how to achieve the goal. But at the same time, it is important that children know that parents are aware of their desires.

An example from Françoise Dolto: “Pleasant entertainment called“showcase rotozei”. Your son sees a toy car in the window of a toy store. He wants to touch her. Instead of entering the store, invite him to tell you in detail what this toy is good for. Half an hour is spent in very lively communication with an adult. And he says: "I really want to buy it." “Yes, you're right, it would be nice to buy it, but I can't. We will come here tomorrow, we will see her every day, we will talk about her every day. " Then the toy becomes something more than just an object of possession - it turns into a topic for conversation, into a secret, into an opportunity to dream up.

However, you shouldn't tell the child: “We never dreamed of this in childhood” or “Don't even think, it's not for us”, “You just buy this - you’ll break it right away.” “You can say, 'You're right, this is a very good toy; you want it, but I can't buy it. I have so much money with me, and if I spend it on a toy, I won't have enough for something else."

Thus, the parent shows the child that he is not omnipotent and in life there are situations when you need to learn to choose. This is how the child develops the ability to make choices in the future.

At the same time, requests that are easy to fulfill should not be systematically specifically rejected - otherwise it will already be sadism.

Children may not like their parents - this is normal.… This is a guarantee of separation from the parental family. It is important to respect and honor parents, which builds relationships of mutual understanding and cooperation between generations in adulthood.

Once Françoise Dolto asked her son which parents children prefer: young or old. He replied: “Elderly parents do not claim our entertainment space and do not accompany us everywhere. While young parents are interested in the same things that we are, and as a result, they manage to get bored with us."

Parents do not have to please their children, they have to educate them. Moreover, almost every child, growing up, criticizes their parents, no matter how wonderful they are, and decides to live their own life differently.

It is important that parents support and respect each other. If the father forbids something, the mother should be at the same time with him and not try to compete for the child's love, indulging and quietly allowing the forbidden.

This creates confusion and double standards, when the law can be violated, there are exceptions and rules are not for everyone. With such convictions, it will be difficult to find your place in society.

The main goal of upbringing is to instill in the child independence and make him independent. The shorter the distance in the relationship, the more difficult it will be for children to separate from their parents. It is much easier to separate from annoying parents than from those who bring great emotional satisfaction. So if the child says: “I don’t love you anymore”, “I’m tired of you!”! "I generally hate you!", Then you can answer him: "It does not matter, because you did not come into this world to love me." In general, according to F. Dolto, a stable and respectful relationship is much closer to the commandment "Honor thy father and thy mother" than ardent affection.

Overly protective and caring parents cause guilt when they want to separate and go into an independent life. Parents shouldn't be afraid to be bad!

Children are a miracle, but they are not the center of the family and the universe. The child appears in a family where there is a couple: husband and wife. A child from birth should know what is considered his personal space and what is not: no pots in the dining room, no sleep with his parents.

Parents, by their example of attitude to life, enable the child to perceive the world around him.

F. Dolto opposed children sharing a bed with one of their relatives - everyone should have their own bed, period. She also advised to gently correct the child if he talks about the house “with me” instead of “with us”, since he is not the owner there.

Parents are not the only ones to respect the child. He, too, should respect their relationship as a married couple and give them the opportunity to spend time together.

“I think children will soon realize that their parents have their own adult life, in which there is no place for them. And this is very important, because in many families the child is the sovereign king and the parents are subordinate to him. " Ronald Britton called this separation of a child from the family triangle a "depressive position", since this process is an important stage in the formation of the human psyche and in the future is the basis for experiencing any life losses and frustrations.

Here it is important to make it clear to the child that he is not just a "third extra", but also give him a parental promise that now he can go in search of his mate, his life and his future. Well, the parents will stay close and you can always turn to them for everyday advice or support, share their joys or experiences.

The child's mockery of one of the parents is unacceptable - the other must stop it. Husband and wife become mother and father for their child, but at the same time remain a couple.

It is impossible to unite with the child to one of the parents against the other, this confuses the child regarding his position and place in the family.

Coalition is possible only with siblings - other children in the family, against parents, this teaches children to interact.

Children cannot dictate to their parents where to go on vacation, whether to have another child or what to cook for dinner.

It is more important to show your child your ability to negotiate.

Parents are not interchangeable, they complement each other: it is important that the adult's desires are fully focused on life together with other adults, and that he helps the baby, who is in his care, to become himself, surrounded by his own age group, among children.

Therefore, children should understand that there are companies or parents' affairs where they do not belong.

You can say so: "This is for adults."

A child should not serve as a means of self-affirmation for an adult, but he needs to be helped to get comfortable in the world.

Many parents believe that they know better what a child needs to be happy: how many languages to know, which sections to go to, who to be friends with, what to wear, etc.

You should not impose your unfulfilled desires on children and try to make up for what you did not receive in your childhood.

Development and education are undoubtedly very important today, however, one should not completely schedule children's time by the minute.

It is useful to set aside a few hours a day for the child and give him the opportunity to independently decide what to do.

Or make a list of necessary things to do and invite him to allocate his time on his own. This will teach you how to allocate your time and perform the necessary tasks much more efficiently.

Do not teach lessons with your child, this should become his area of responsibility, not parental duty. Having received homework at school, the child learns to fulfill the requirements, be responsible and learn the material covered. It is unlikely that the child will learn to solve examples better if the parents decide from instead of him, rejoicing in the impeccable keeping of the notebook and the good grades of the teachers.

It is important for parents to remember that the achievements of children are not the same as the achievements of parents and mistakes, the failure of children is their opportunity and chance to learn something.

You should not protect offspring from mistakes and solve all their problems.… It is better to give the child the opportunity to independently learn a lesson and valuable experience from what happened, supporting him by his side. But sometimes one should call for order and discipline, this is a guarantee of upbringing, because sooner or later, if not the parent, the society will present the child with these requirements and he must learn to answer them. After all, one has to live in a society of people who are not obliged to love just because they are a relative.

Having taught a child to take into account the interests of his parents, one can be calmer that he will find his place in society more easily and be able to realize himself in adult life.

Each child has his own path, which he must find and choose himself.

Leave the children the opportunity to think about what they are missing and find ways to achieve it. In the future, this will become the most effective motivation for them. Fully providing all the needs and desires of the child, parents destroy the ambition to strive for anything. And then they wonder why their child has no interest in anything.

You can only desire what is not.

As Sigmund Freud said: "Psychoanalysis is not a preventive method." So there are no preventive measures in education.

A sense of proportion is important here: one should not leave the child on the sidelines and without attention, care, but it is also bad to make children the center of the universe and overly patronize, love. Experts have proven that the result of such opposite approaches is often the same difficulties or violations.

Therefore, a sense of proportion is probably the best advice that psychologists can give in recommendations for raising children.

And the main thing to remember is that happy children have happy parents. Parents are life guides for their children.

The prism through which children look at the world is formed by parents by their own example in life. At the same time, it is important that children know that they will have to choose the option of their own life on their own.