A Person Will Not Have A Successful Relationship Until He And His Mother Establish It

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Is there a relationship in the world similar to the relationship between mother and child? The relationship is absolutely unique in its strength, depth and significance. Relationships that largely determine our lives.

Mom is our first world, our first life is the Promised Land. Life is full of unity, warmth, harmony and comfort. All the most important and fundamental is connected with our mother. Our deepest idea of happiness: when hearts beat in unison, when all feelings and thoughts are one, when you and I are one. This is the time of life in the mother's womb. Usually it is this unity that we want to repeat in a pair relationship.

Historically, in all traditions, a woman, her role in the family has been given special attention. A mother has an endless and profound influence on the soul of her child at any age. In the first years of his life, the child is actively engaged in "absorbing" his mother. Everything that she is filled with in her soul. Tradition, culture, ways of survival are absorbed through mom.

Therefore, the child needs to absorb as quickly as possible, a lot and without any filters. Everything that the mother broadcasts immediately goes into the unconscious layers of our psyche. Knowing this, in our Slavic tradition, the girl from infancy began to prepare for future motherhood. To a great responsibility and a culture of handling the power that nature has endowed a woman with. For example, a mother-woman was forbidden to be angry, swear, and behave socially unacceptable.

And the most terrible negative impact on a person among many peoples of the world is still considered the maternal curse: direct - conscious, or indirect - unconscious. And since the consequences of the mother's actions have a strong influence on the life of not only her own children, but also on her descendants, then it directly depends on the woman whether the clan will continue to continue healthy and prosperous or whether it will cease to exist.

The reality of the history of our country is such that many generations ago, most Russian women lost direct conscious access to their feminine power - the spiritual feminine power. To that power that fills everything around with calmness, trust, joy, but not anxiety, fears and despondency.

Incessant wars, revolutions, repressions, abortions took away husbands and children from women, destroyed families and their traditional way of life. The pain of loss and mourning for those who died in the souls of Russian women is already genetically transmitted. The mother's heart is closed from pain and the remaining, living children almost do not get love. Growing up in very difficult conditions, such a girl, becoming a mother, can only give to her children what she received herself.

There have always been wars in Russia - from time immemorial, but there was faith in God and Russian folklore traditional culture, which has a powerful psychotherapeutic effect. A tradition that firmly stood on the values of the family, the values of the difference between the sexes (after the revolution, women and men were equalized in rights and, as a result, this distinction between the sexes began to fade).

Boys and girls were raised as future wives and husbands, future mothers and fathers - all this was supported at the level of religion and state. Currently, the family is in a difficult crisis: a huge number of divorces, abortions, orphans, children in orphanages with living parents. Many family values are lost or severely distorted - values that are not characteristic of the Russian mentality are imposed, which ultimately contribute to the destruction of the family.

This is a very difficult environment in which we live. An environment that, to put it mildly, is not conducive to family prosperity and childbirth. Therefore, in order for a modern woman to realize the plan of nature: to get married, have children and live happily ever after in marriage, she has to single-handedly seek her feminine strength, bestowed by nature. Doing at the same time, day after day, a great mental work.

An interesting psychological study has been done in America. His goal was to find out whether a person's health depends on personal satisfaction with parental love. College students were asked to answer one simple question, how do they feel, according to their inner feelings, whether their parents love or not? After 35 years, the experimenters met with all of the respondents. It turned out that among those people who had a feeling of inner satisfaction with parental love, 25% of people were sick with various diseases.

Among those who were not satisfied with parental love, 87% were sick.

And among those who answered that they felt love of only one of the parents, the rate of diseases was 50%.

Nature was incredibly wise and far-sighted when, creating a woman-mother, she made her in love with her baby. Adoring her child!

Many women know this when, in comparison with other children, their child is always the best. When falling in love, according to research by neurophysiologists, the work of the parts of the brain responsible for criticism and negative emotions is suppressed. When a mother looks at her baby, the hormone dopamine is actively released (causes euphoria), and zones responsible for pleasure are activated in the brain.

Therefore, maternal love is often called "blind". Next to a loving mother, the child feels calm, happy and confident - he is safe. Conversely, when the mother rejects the child, life loses its meaning for him.

And the brain reacts again - the zones responsible for the sensation of pain in the skin and muscles are activated. Rejected children receive an unconscious message from their mother: "Don't live!" - and the child implements it. For example, he is constantly sick, depressed, refuses to have friends, etc.

Mother's love, among other things, is an unconscious flow. The child feels it as a force, wherever the mother is, even if she has already died. This flow creates a deep sense of life satisfaction, security, inner peace and strength. It is a feeling of spiritual abundance. Such a child is happy and successful in life, for luckily he was blessed by the mother herself.

Bert Hellinger once said: “The winner is the one who can enjoy his mother. The fullness of life and happiness comes to us in this way. It is the foundation for any future happiness. Happiness is a gift. Happiness is always the result of relationships. We are happy when we are happy in a relationship.

A person will not have a successful relationship until his first relationship - with his mother - is successful. The original happiness for a child is to be close to the mother. When he later goes to other people, he can take the original happiness with him.

Of course, the father also plays an important role in the relationship with the child, but happiness begins with the mother. Father and mother are on different levels here. There is a difference here and the father knows it. But he doesn't need to be jealous because his relationship with his mother is exactly the same."

The most important thing that a mother gives us is trust. Initially to herself, and later to the whole world. Happiness, initially from communicating with her, and later - from life. Love - with her, and then, as a projection, to people and to the whole world. Mom lays down the basic things, deeply unconscious, those that become our spiritual foundation, the core.

Those foundations that further define our life. We look at the whole world with my mother's eyes. It is the mother who, introducing the child to the world, places accents, highlights significant things and not so much. Through it, the child learns what the world "really" is.

The relationship of the father to the child and of the child to the father is also shaped by the mother. She is the only intermediary between them. And the life of not only the children themselves, but also grandchildren and great-grandchildren, will depend on whether she allows her father and children to love each other in her soul.

With my mother, we learn a relationship without boundaries - a complete fusion of soul and body. By the way, whether the child managed to survive this happiness with his mother will depend on whether he can live the joy of closeness (in all respects) with his partner, and with life in general.

The development of creativity, intuition, speech lies in the feminine zone (though logical speech lies in the father's zone). And, most importantly, the ability to create happy couples and then parent-child relationships.

But that's not all. We also look at ourselves with her eyes. How do you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror? Or when you are performing in front of other people? Or in partnerships? Our mom's message is always somewhere deep inside.

How did the mother treat the child in her soul? Could she love him with unconditional love: accept him as he is, agreeing with his characteristics and fate? Did she love the manifestations of his father in the child? Or maybe the child's resemblance to her father filled her heart with pain and disappointment?

Practice has shown that precisely those people whom the mother loved with unconditional love, loved and respected their father in them, can be happy and successful in their lives. Accepting, loving and respecting themselves, such people also treat their children and those around them.

When a mother has a lot of hard things, she can not always notice that something is wrong with the child. She is so immersed in her mental pain and internal problems that, in comparison with her condition, the child's condition is perceived as normal, and maybe good.

Therefore, quite often the mother pays attention to the child's problems only when it is simply not possible not to notice them. But in order for a child to form, manifest, and then fix various problems, starting with health and ending with an unsuccessful family life, it takes a lot of time. And you can manage to prevent something, and change something.

From the moment of birth, the main task of any child is survival in the parental system. To do this, on an unconscious level, it is necessary to tune in with the system and, above all, with the mother. It is good if the movement towards each other is mutual - this is called happiness. But it often happens that it is not so easy to find an approach to a parent's heart. Parents cannot always see and correctly assess the behavior and condition of their child.

Confusion often arises. Parents believe that the child will show his movement towards him through care, obedient behavior, smile and gentleness of character, etc., but this is not at all the case. Rather, it happens in family systems, where everything is more or less in order. But if the mother is carrying something heavy, the child will not wait for the mother to return from her inner pain. He begins to honk in all possible ways, if only Mom would hear and return.

The child may become ill, misbehave, stop sleeping at night, and endanger his life. Or it can become incredibly anxious and will not let mom go a step away from herself. Or aggressive and defiant. Or maybe he is quiet and weak-willed, unable to stand up for himself. And if the parents do not respond to the call for too long, then the child's heart is filled with pain and closes.

One mother told a funny story about her four-year-old daughter who tried to tell her mother how much she needed her love. And how my mother had the wisdom to see it. The girl decided to please her mother - to wash the dishes. Mom, hearing the crash of breaking dishes, ran to the kitchen.

There was a flood on the floor and several shattered dishes. Seeing my mother’s frightened eyes, the daughter said: “Mommy don’t worry, I’ll sweep everything,” but it was too late … “I got carried away, and I punished her.” Another time, the daughter decided to surprise her mother: bake pies. The whole kitchen was covered in flour and water. All the eggs in the refrigerator and a carton of milk went for the dough. The daughter got it again.

But the girl did not lose hope. For the new year, my mother bought herself a very beautiful and very expensive evening dress with sequins. The daughter, seeing how her mother liked this dress, decided to give her a gift. She cut out many shiny hearts from her mother's dress and pasted them lovingly on a large sheet of paper. When my mother came home from work, her daughter with an absolutely happy face said that she had a beautiful gift for her mother.

“When my daughter took out a piece of Whatman paper, pasted over with the remnants of my dress, I began to laugh hysterically and I began to cry. I didn't know what to do, whether to rip her out, or to thank her for the gift, because I taught her to thank her for the gifts. Seeing her efforts and with what love she did all this, I could not flog her. " When her daughter asked why she was crying, her mother answered: "From joy."

Families with children of different sexes know very well that a son and a daughter are two completely different stories. This distinction is revealed to parents from the first months of a child's life.

Mother-son relationship

Initially, a boy is born to a person of the opposite sex. Mom also perceives the boy as "different", "not like me." A woman often does not know how to interact correctly, so as not to knock him off the male course.

There is such a myth that boys cannot be fondled, be gentle and loving with them, because they can grow up too feminine and delicate.

Men become feminine for completely different reasons, we will look at them a little later. Normally, the boy is in the field of female influence, i.e. in the mother's field, up to about three years old. This is a sensitive (sensitive) period for the perception of a deep feminine, giving an inner state of happiness, harmony, security, completeness and tranquility.

In the future, this is the ability to adequately express and be aware of your feelings. And this is the guarantee of mental health. It takes a long time before a little boy turns into an adult, strong, independent man - a protector. And for the male power to be realized in the future, the mother's stream creates the foundation in the child's soul.

As if in its very core, mother lights up light and warmth that will warm him all his life, no matter what difficulties an adult has to endure. One woman once told about her father, who, through the entire war, carried a photograph of his mother, like an icon, like a talisman, like a prayer.

Mom, activating the feminine in the child, lays down the basic things: trust and love (for herself, for others, for the world). Happiness, creativity, intuition, interest in people, caring for others, tenderness, sensitivity, empathy (feeling into the state of another person). It is important to say that by adolescence, it is normal for boys to have a significant decrease in sensitivity and empathy.

This is inherent in nature, because a man is primarily a protector and earner. If he feels deeply, he will sooner die in battle, or in battle. And in the modern world it will be difficult for him to fulfill his male functions in society.

By about three years old, the boy develops an irresistible desire to be in the masculine, to be nourished by the masculine - to be with his father. And provided that the mother lets her son go to his father, he goes into the field of his influence. If the boy stays with his mother, he continues to feed on the feminine, to the detriment of his masculine nature. After all, women's psychology is fundamentally different from men's.

For example, a woman copes with stress through repeated speaking, and a man through forgetting. A man is aimed at progress, a woman is aimed at survival. Information is perceived differently and processed differently. It is important for a man what they say, for a woman - what they say.

Different things are important and unimportant, etc. In other words, remaining in the mother's field, the boy becomes disoriented not only in his relationship with society, but primarily in his sense of self and self-identification according to his own gender. The same thing happens with the girl who is left with her father.

Mom lets her son go to his father very early and forever. She lets him go to the masculine - to his homeland. Releases on an unconscious level, i.e.she respects the child's father in her soul. She agrees that the child will be like her father and this warms her heart. By the way, a son can truly respect his mother only by being close to his father.

Now the boy is starting to differ more and more from his mother. Having become an adult, such a boy has a pronounced masculine (there is incommensurably more masculine in him than feminine) and in order to balance this in the future, he will need to connect with a woman with a pronounced feminine. Now they complement each other well. This is how strong partnerships are created. This is the norm. Which is so rare.

But it happens that all her childhood, a mother in her parental family is forced to replace a mother for her mother (that is, her grandmother). This is a very difficult, sometimes unbearable role for a child. In other words, she was not a child in her parental family. Now, having married, the first thing she will try to do is to fulfill the most important need of her soul - the need for a mother.

And finally, to be a child. The husband, out of love for his wife, will psychologically replace her mother. True, at the cost of his masculine. It is about these men that the wives say that he is "no", "rag", "woman", etc. And here she is - "daughter", and everything seems to be fine.

Only paired relationships from partnerships go to parent-child relationships and the marriage gradually begins to disintegrate. According to the laws of nature, grown children should fly out of the nest. And he, most likely, would have officially disintegrated if it had not been for the born son.

With her son, a woman realizes all the sweetness of failed partnerships, her dreams. The woman has many positive hopes associated with the boy. Now she will raise herself the man of her dreams. And now, not having time to be born, he is already psychologically a husband for his mother and a rival for his father. Moreover, the rival is the winner, because the best woman in the world (mother) preferred him to the strongest man in the world - his father.

From his mother, he took over sensitivity, the ability to resonate, softness, tenderness, intuition. This is a caressed, beloved, pampered boy. They say about such people that this is a darling. A man who loves to shine loves admiration and praise. He seems to say to all women: "Love me, I accept your love and care."

He easily establishes relationships with women. This is his environment. He feels much more comfortable among women than among men. Examples of "mother's husbands" are often found on the stage. Don Juan is a striking literary and historical example of a “mother’s husband”. A man who never became a son to his mother, but only a "husband." In search of a mother, he changes one woman after another.

But no woman in the world can replace his mother. Therefore, this search is endless. Such a man cannot stop, and if he creates a family, then not for long. He is usually peaceful and spontaneous. It is interesting that it is to these men that women forgive weaknesses and continue to patronize them even after parting. This is a man who has a lot of ambitions and plans, but does not have enough masculine energy to realize them.

The relationship between father and son in such a family is specific. The son looks at the father through the eyes of his mother - disdainfully, as they look at the losers. The father in such a family is in the shadow in all respects. In the first place is the mother's favorite - the son. Such a matrix of relationships creates a very difficult dynamic for the child in his later life.

It is difficult for him to maintain subordination in relationships, for example, at work. It's hard to be submissive (if he is not in the spotlight, then there is a feeling that no one loves him and he is a failure). In relationships with women, he is bright, spontaneous, sensitive. Women feel happy, though not for long, because responsibility and obligations are very heavy for such a man (these qualities are in the father's zone).

Losing connection with the male, the boy loses the main qualities for his survival: the ability to independently make the right decisions, not to depend on the attitude of those around him, on the “flattering gaze”. Defend openly your boundaries, principles, interests, values. Be responsible for your actions, for those who are around. Guard and defend your family and your territory. It is alien to him to sacrifice his interests, comfort, and maybe life for the sake of others.

The child is always ready to make up for the mother what she lacks, for example, her father. Then this is a very responsible, early adult, early serious child. Such sons very often raise their brothers and sisters, work in several jobs. There is no father in such a family, or he is problematic, or his mother does not respect him. The mother herself is extremely anxious (from this she is all-controlling), emotionally frozen, which gives rise to anxiety in children.

Unconsciously, she broadcasts to her son: “I can't cope without you. I won't survive without you. At the same time, he can behave in a very authoritarian manner, deciding all questions about his son unilaterally. In behavior, the relationship between mother and son, for example, may look like this: in a child's voice, the mother asks the son's permission for something, or asks for advice or support.

And a child, who may well be no more than five years old, can forbid mom to go anywhere or graciously allow something. Feeling his mother's anxiety, the boy seems to say: “I won't leave you! I'll be with you! I'll carry you!"

True, the father, if he exists, will treat his son very aggressively. The mismatch of roles in the system creates tremendous tension. The father begins to feel that the little son controls his woman, has a more significant status for her in the family, but at the same time the father himself simply does not have access to his son.

A woman unconsciously broadcasts to her husband: "I really need support, so I won't give you my son." And completely unaware of what is happening, the father begins to fight with his "father-in-law" in the person of his own son (the son is identified with his grandfather, the mother's father).

Trying in every possible way to win back their territory, driving the rival out. As a result, only one man remains on the territory. In families with similar dynamics, father and son are often enemies for life. Growing up, such a man continues to feel that he bears all responsibility in this life alone. Emotionally, these people are prone to aggressive behavior (or auto-aggressive), critical, psychopathic, controlling.

The fact that everything has to be under control is constantly growing tension, which is never discharged to the end (in order to survive, this boy had to control his mother - life itself). These are people who, more often than others, suffer from cardiovascular diseases, "burn out" at work. Realization in society comes with incredible efforts.

And work, with great mental and physical costs, rarely brings spiritual satisfaction. In addition, the topic of competition is very painful, because in childhood I constantly had to compete with my father. And since the forces were unequal, then in this "fight" the son constantly got it, from which the boy learned the experience of a loser.

Now, when the topic of competition, or even a hint of it, arises, then unconsciously there is a desire to "recoup" past humiliations. Here aggression, mental pain, a desire to destroy an opponent are connected. All this creates colossal problems in life.

In his family, this man is just as responsible, you can rely on him. In emotional communication, either a tyrant or a real capricious child who always lacks love, attention and everything else … A child lives in his soul who does not trust anyone. Therefore, no matter how hard his wife and children try, it is difficult for him to believe that he is really loved. And that you do not need to "get out of your skin", deserving love.

It is very scary for him to allow himself to take the love of his partner. Because the one who takes becomes dependent on the one who gave. And being needy for him is a manifestation of weakness, because this situation is very difficult to keep under control.

It also happens that the son replaces for the mother not only the husband, brother or father, but even the mother (more often in a family where there are several boys or the only child is a boy). Then this is a very kind, quiet, flexible boy. He is caring, sensitive, fearful, attentive, careful, educators and teachers (women) love him very much, but classmates are aggressive towards him.

In adulthood, men do not consider him a member of their pack, they treat him condescendingly, women treat him very warmly, but do not consider him as a partner, because there is so much feminine in it that no attraction arises between equally charged "particles".

These are, as a rule, responsible, patient, people living only by the rules, avoiding any conflict and extreme situations, unable to withstand aggression in any of its manifestations, and their positivity is perceived by others as excessive. With great difficulty they manage to keep their borders, defend their interests, declare their needs.

It is also difficult to guard the boundaries and interests of your family. Because being in the mother's field is a relationship of complete and unlimited merging. Usually such men experience difficulties in creating a family - it is not possible to leave the mother, therefore, they have to combine the "service" in the parental family with their personal life.

True, if such a man meets a woman with a pronounced masculine (that is, a daughter who remained with her father) or a woman in great need of a mother, then an alliance is possible between them. But very tense.

A woman initially chooses just such a man because he is able to alleviate the painful need for a mother. After a while, the woman's emotional wound heals and the need for men as a partner becomes actual. And if the husband does not have time or is not ready to rebuild, the tension in the couple increases. She cannot leave her husband, because a mental wound will open again, and living next to a man to whom no attraction arises is painful.

Such men are often chosen by women for second or third marriages, because he is friendly to her children, relatives, neighbors and is motherly tolerant of her. In professional activity, having occupied the niche of helping professions, these men achieve good results.

Thus, the boy, who remains in the mother's field, continues to be filled with feminine: feminine perception of the world, values, interaction with others. He overcomes difficulties like a woman. All this is destructive for him. It is incredibly difficult for a man without a father to realize himself in society, because researching, inventing, taking risks - natural male behavior - was not supported by his mother, or even completely forbidden.

There is another dynamic that is difficult for the boy. It is associated with the rape of women in the family. If a mother or, for example, a grandmother has experienced sexual abuse, then their inner unconscious desire to "kill" a man, as the embodiment of evil, will often strive to be realized at the very first boy born in the family. Usually such a boy lives with his grandmother and mother.

A woman unconsciously broadcasts to her son: “The one you were born with is awful. Men are disgusting and dirty. Men are evil, and as long as you are a man, I don’t need you.” Then, in order to survive in this system, a boy must become … a girl (in practice, this is one of the reasons for homosexuality). And now, mimicking the feminine, the boy receives unconscious approval from his mother, which means that he can live. The boy forever understands for himself: "The price of his own life is the rejection of the male."

Currently, there is a very pronounced tendency towards displacement of the sexes. Men have become more feminine and women more masculine. Women are increasingly performing male functions in the family and in society, while men are female.

Losing their self-identity, men begin to die in the truest sense of the word, as unnecessary. After all, genetic memory tells a man to serve life, a woman in a woman, a motherland - to be needed. When a man feels that he is needed, the masculine gets realization. Then life is safe.

The son's tragedy lies in the fact that only the mother can let him go to the father, to the masculine, the condition of which is love and respect for the child's father. If the mother could not do this, the boy cannot independently go from female to male. And only after becoming an adult, through psychotherapeutic assistance or various spiritual practices, a man is able to return to his father - to the masculine. To their homeland.

It is very important for the mother to feel what kind of power she has, what influence she has on the child. Of course, the fate of the child has not been canceled, and there is something that surpasses the capabilities of the mother. This is right. But at the same time it is important to remember about your power of influence.

Relationship with daughter

Mom's relationship with her daughter is different. Born to a person of the same sex, the girl is perceived by her mother as an extension of herself. Many women, who lacked a warm emotional contact with their mother, passionately desire to have a daughter and … "God forbid, a son." The girl initially broadcasts the feminine, from the first months of her life she is ready for a subtle resonance with her mother. But if a woman had enough warmth in the parental family, then the gender of the child for her will not be of fundamental importance.

The girl also for the first three years stays in the field and space of her mother, she is also filled with feminine, like a boy. At about three years old, the girl comes under the influence of her father and remains in his field until the age of six or seven. During this period, the girl is actively filled with masculinity, she initiates: attention, dedication, logic, hard work, responsibility, will, etc.

In addition, the father initiates the adult part of the child. And, most importantly, it was during this period that the feeling that the girl differs from her dad in gender is laid. That she looks like her mother and soon she will become a woman, as good and beautiful as her mother. It is during this period that daughters adore their fathers. They actively show signs of attention and sympathy towards dad. It's good if mom supports this, and dad gives his daughter his love and acceptance.

In the future, it is this experience of communicating with the most important man in life that will allow her to feel like an attractive, adult woman. Now she will be able to realize a lot in life and, most importantly, she has a happy experience of being accepted and loved by the most dear man in the world - a father.

After some time (about 6-7 years old), the dad lets the daughter go back to her mother - in the woman's. Showing that his mother is the best woman for him and he loves her a little more. And the daughter remains the beloved daughter.

Now the girl returns to a different mother - she already knows that she is as beautiful as her mother, but at the same time she is different. The daughter became aware of her own boundaries (before the girl enters her father's field, she feels like a mother's appendage, an appendage, that is, a mother's part). And now, next to her mother, the girl begins to gain her feminine strength and beauty. Now the place of the partner next to her is free, and when the time comes, he will take it.

Internally, she feels that she needs the strength that her mother has. Now the connection between mother and daughter is filled with a special meaning. In other words, the daughter has some unconscious motivation - to take the maternal, feminine stream for the future. For the full realization of your feminine. Now, when she becomes an adult, she will have something to give to her husband and children. She is included in the female stream.

But it so happens that women in the family have a lot of heavy things connected with men. Perhaps there was violence by men, betrayal, or abortion, etc. Then, as a warning, unconscious information is transmitted to the girls: “Fear the feminine in yourself, it attracts men, and they are dangerous. Men are painful."

Therefore, women stop “seeing” and appreciating their feminine strength and beauty. They stop living in this stream, and in relation to men they experience unconscious fear.

Having loyalty to her tribal system, a woman will not let her daughter go, not only to her father, but also to married life. The unconscious fear of the masculine will complicate her relationship with the opposite sex and burden her family life if she succeeds in starting a family.

A daughter who has not received permission from her mother for the feminine, and from her father confirmation that the feminine is beautiful in her, psychologically and remains a girl for life. A girl who will no longer believe anyone that she is a beautiful woman.

Deep in her soul, it will be extremely difficult for her to accept herself, more often such women experience dissatisfaction with themselves, even to the point of disgust. Having become an adult woman, she approaches men either from the position of a daughter or a mother, but not an equal partner. Unconsciously, she continues to be a mother's offspring, not separated into her life. He never felt like a separate woman in the general flow of female power.

And it also happens that the mother has so much hard that she can only give her daughter life. Although this is the only thing that matters. And in order for the daughter to survive, the woman unconsciously transfers the girl to her father forever. Into the father's stream. Then the girl is actively developing according to the masculine principle. Externally and internally, she will be masculine.

It will be "your boyfriend" among boys and men. Figuratively speaking, a boy in a woman's body. Male worldview, interests, values, plasticity, gait, appearance design, methods of reaction, methods of survival, problem solving, etc. Often this gives success in society (business, sports, etc.) and constant setbacks in personal life.

In addition, a mother can project the sweetness and pain of a failed relationship with her own mother onto her daughter. This happens unconsciously and easily, because the girl is essentially motherhood. What we encounter in practice, it is impossible for a woman to distinguish exactly how she treats her little daughter: like a daughter or like a mother. Feels like there is warmth, strong affection, a desire to hug and caress.

Often women say that they are "madly bored without their baby", do not understand how they have lived without her until now. But, it turns out, despite such love, the daughter has various problems.

For example, she constantly cries, is anxious, cannot communicate with other children, is often sick, bites her nails, enuresis, nightmares, etc. Relationship confusion becomes apparent in the constellation process. Such symptoms are often a signal of a violation of the hierarchy in the relationship between mother and child.

In practice, it becomes clear that all these strong feelings that the mother, as it seemed to her, had for her daughter, were in fact addressed to her own mother. Those. Mom wanted to take the heat, not give it away. And the child signals that he cannot cope with this difficult role.

If the daughter refuses to play the role of a mother for the mother, then the mother will unconsciously react with rejection: "If you will not be a mother for me, then I do not need you at all." This unconscious message is very clearly confirmed by my mother's behavior. For example, she will be offended every time her daughter does not show support, friendliness, and acceptance.

React aggressively every time the daughter tries to withdraw into her own life. Create a paired relationship. He will keep her near him in every possible way, and the older the daughter, the stronger. An example of this is women who do not create a family, or who have destroyed it. Women who do not give birth to children and those who stay with their mothers for life. Moreover, the more diligently the daughter fulfills the role of mother for the mother, the more negative the mother's reactions will be.

The more there will be claims and grievances against the daughter. So, as once, at one time, the mother was unable to respond to her own pain and, as a result, aggression towards her mother (aggression against the mother is a feeling tabulated by nature). And since the daughter is replaced by her mother, then everything that was not said to the addressee is now received by his deputy - the daughter.

Accordingly, the daughter's internal aggression is growing, and it is dangerous to express this feeling, because there is an experience of rejection. The circle is closed. The only way out is to throw out the aggression on the husband or on the children, if any. And if they are not there, then go into illness. Nothing balances distortions in the family system like symptoms.

At the reception, a mother about her daughter (the girl has a severe form of neurodermatitis, allergies, severe and causeless anxiety):

- My daughter and I are one, we read each other's thoughts … just girlfriends … we feel so good together … we tell each other everything … all my friends envy me …

- How old is your daughter?

- 25

- She is married?

- No, what are you. She does not want.

- Like this?

- He says that he will not be able to give the last to my children the way I do. He wants to live for himself. And, to be honest, I'm glad. Let him enjoy life. Up to my throat I made a fortune in this marriage.

And if you read the hidden message of the mother, then it will sound like this: “If you leave me, I will not survive this. Marriage is evil. Your marriage is dangerous to me. Only with you I am safe. Now let's answer our question.

Will an adult daughter dare to leave her "defenseless" mother? Will a grown daughter dare to be positive about men and about marriage? What happens if a miracle - the remedy cures all the symptoms that this young woman has? After all, it is these ailments that allow the daughter to exist in the role of a mother for the mother, it is they that allow her not to feel pain and "burn out" the repressed aggression.

In our society, there is a persistent myth, an object of pride and envy of many - the myth that the ideal relationship between mother and daughter is a relationship "like a girl friend." Many mothers, longing for a close emotional relationship with their mother, form such a relationship with their daughters. This is a particularly severe form of hierarchy breakdown. It is very difficult for a daughter to get out of such a relationship, because outwardly nothing bad happens.

These relationships are supported by the environment and society. Mom and daughter have a trusting relationship: mom, for example, tells intimate details from her life, including her life with her daughter's father, demanding in return a similar frankness. She waits and accepts advice and support from her daughter. This relationship from the outside always looks friendly. The only difference is that the daughter is strictly forbidden to express any dissatisfaction, criticism, let alone aggression.

Those. it is forbidden to declare your desires and boundaries. The daughters of such mothers are an object of admiration for those around them: they are always sweet, courteous, tactful, and prudent. Always smiling, modest, she will not say a harsh word. He will not say - "swallow" and displace the pain into the depths of the unconscious.

Conflicting with such a daughter is prohibited on pain of rejection (and it is conflicts with parents in adolescence that are the last chance to separate); such daughters find themselves in a more difficult situation than daughters whom the mother allowed to conflict.

This means that even in early childhood, becoming a mother for a mother is a chance to survive in this system. Mom needs a mother so badly that it is not possible to "leave" her - children are not abandoned. So grown daughters stay with their mothers forever. Together at home, together on vacation, … together, together, together … and the adult daughter's own life passes by.

But it also happens that despite her role in the parental family, the daughter still manages to get married. True, only formally, her soul still remains with her mother. She can bring her husband to live with her mother, outwardly for this act, of course, there are good reasons.

Trying to balance two mutually exclusive desires: to remain a mother for a mother and a wife for a husband. But to become, in the full sense, a wife to a husband is possible only by being a daughter to a mother.

Therefore, a lifelong mental conflict is formed. Such women very often say that they are torn between mother and husband. And the choice is usually made towards the mother. The losers in this war are the husband and children.

The husband leaves either in the literal sense, or with his soul: to the computer, garage, to friends, to alcohol, to another woman, etc. And the children are trying with all their might to restore the family: they start to get sick, behave badly, break their fates. And all with only one purpose, so that mommy would return her soul back. To your family.

The daughter's tragedy is that very painful circumstances are needed for her to decide to refuse her mother to replace her mother. Behind this is the fear that the mother will reject, because the fulfillment of this role was the only condition for contact with the mother.

Now leaving this role will cause inevitable conflict in the relationship, resentment and aggression on the part of the mother. After all, looking at her girl, mother sees her mother, but not her daughter. Therefore, it is unbearable for mom to experience another "betrayal" (now from her daughter). This very often stops daughters from moving into their lives.

The daughter has another important role in the parental family - the role of a psychological wife for the father. If a mother, due to her involvement in difficult things, for example, there were abortions in the system, does not cope with her role as a wife, then in order for her husband to stay in the family, the mother unconsciously delegates all the rights of the wife to her daughter. And the daughter, out of love for her mother, accepts the role assigned to her.

Either the daughter has an identification with the old father's love. Then, out of love for her father, the daughter replaces the woman he loved for her father. Growing up, such a woman will be active, lively, dynamically solving any problems.

She is attractive, resourceful, has a tenacious mind, quite easily achieves success in society. With their father, they understand each other very well, they are on the same wavelength, but with the mother, the relationship will be very difficult, like rivals.

Moreover, the mother, being the main one in the family, easily begins to suppress her daughter. Without realizing what she is doing. Mothers and daughters in such families suffer greatly that they cannot find common ground, because in their souls they both feel that the love intended for each other remains unfulfilled.

In pair relationships, such women are very popular with the opposite sex (just like the man “mother's husband”), they easily find partners, but it can be extremely difficult to start a family for a long time with one partner, because the place of the partner in her soul is already taken by the father - the best a man in the world.

Therefore, the rest of the men have no chance of competing with him. Such women can start a family with a man who is left with his mother - there is no competition with him. In addition, such a man does an excellent job of playing the role of a mother for herself.

There is another dynamic in which a daughter stays with her father. These are daddy's aborted children from previous relationships. Moreover, it does not matter whether the father knows about them or not. The daughter, unconsciously identified with her aborted brothers and sisters, has the deepest connection with those women whom her father left behind.

Perhaps they wanted to start a family with him, but had to have an abortion. The pain of these women hangs in the family field. No matter how hard the mother tries to show her love for her daughter and no matter how the daughter strives for her mother, their movement towards each other is burdened.

Basically, a difficult and tense relationship develops with my mother, and an even more difficult relationship with my father. It is quite difficult for such daughters to start a family or maintain an existing relationship.

Because it’s hard to accept life at that price. Namely, the price of her life is the lost love and / or children of her father's women. After all, if he married one of them, she would not exist. Then, on an unconscious level, out of loyalty to them, the daughter also begins to destroy her paired relationship and also loses love. And, the most painful, this service does not give her the opportunity to approach her mother.

There is another dynamic in the family that makes grown children stay with their mothers forever. When the mother has a tendency to go into death. Those. in her soul, a mother seeks to go to her dear people who have died: parents who died early, brothers or sisters, children, etc. Then, feeling the mother's desire to leave this life, the child unconsciously decides to stop the mother at any cost. And stays by her side. Unconsciously controlling her presence.

An example of this is adult children who stay with their mothers until their death. In the beginning, they say: "I live with my mother." And then: "Mom lives with me." Such children destroy their families in order to return to their mother.

Or they don’t create a family at all, don’t have children. Or, on the contrary, they give their children to their mothers so that they fill the spiritual emptiness of the grandmother. Still waiting for mom to come back from her pain and, finally, give them her love. But this is not happening.

These are not all the speakers that work in the system. For example, if the mother failed to realize her dreams and aspirations (work, marriage, hobbies, etc.), then the daughter is perceived as an extension of herself, but with a new resource and energy. Those. mother, as it were, replays her fate through her daughter. She will join her daughter's fate with great energy, leaving everything her own for the sake of her daughter's realization, or rather her dream.

Only a daughter, having accepted such sacrifices of her mother, will feel unbearable guilt, for which she can only pay with her own life. For example, not create or destroy your family. Fathers likewise expect their sons to follow in their footsteps and become continuers and custodians of their cause. Most often, out of loyalty to the parent, children are ready to fulfill his will. And then there is a "mission" - to realize the deepest hopes and aspirations of the parent.

A rather familiar story, when parents expect from their children that they will give them everything that they did not receive from their own parents. A child can give parents only what a child can give - respect and gratitude, the result of which is his successful life.

With the birth of a child, a woman receives a lot: in society and family, she receives status, value and significance. In the soul there is a deep satisfaction from the female natural self-realization, which is felt as inner happiness, confidence and comfort.

Not many people know what mental anguish women who are unable to have children live, how many mental and social difficulties they have to overcome. And what kind of mental work they have to do in order to accept their childlessness and remain in society without pain for themselves.

Thus, by its appearance, the child makes the mother really happy. He fills the mother, helps her to develop internally. Finally, the most important female mission - motherhood - is being implemented. Having become a mother, a woman at a deep level feels peace, comfort, grace. She calms down - everything is going right.

The arrival of a child is always associated with expansion, movement towards life, towards God. The child discovers a tremendous inner strength - the flow. Once, one woman described her condition during pregnancy: "It is an amazing feeling when God is inside you, and you are inside God." But that's not all, the child continues to raise the status of his mother in society as he grows up and achieves success in life, already creating his own family, giving birth to children.

And even when the child is terminally ill, or he has a difficult fate, or even if the child has died, the woman still does not lose her honorary status as a mother. Therefore, when children are looked at as ungrateful creatures who only bring problems, anxieties and burdens to their parents' lives, for which the children owe their parents for life - this is a vivid indicator of the violation of systemic, spiritual laws for many generations.

When the soul has the strength, love and support of your own parents, i.e. generic energy flows correctly - from ancestors to descendants, then children cannot be a burden. Giving to children is easy and joyful, but being a parent for your own parents is a really overwhelming burden.

If a child has failed to be a child in his parenting system, then he experiences tremendous mental pain and a large number of claims against his parents. Becoming an adult, even if his parents have already died, he continues to wait in his soul that something will happen and the parents will finally change, finally they will notice him and make up for him all that they did not give once.

But if a child insists on his claims to his parents, he cannot separate from them. He continues to wait, he continues to look at them, but not into his life. These claims tie him to his parents. The bond becomes very strong and negatively colored. In this state, the parents and the child are separated.

For an adult, only one solution is possible - that is to leave the parents to their fate. Agreeing with their choice. This cannot be done by a child, because he is completely dependent on his parents, but an adult can. An adult has his own family, children who need him. It is very important to let the parents go where they want to go with love and respect. Then life can go on.

In nature, it is so arranged that the mother releases the child into life in stages. As they grow up, it gets further and further. The first step is when the baby has just been born. Now mother and child occupy different places in space. Each has its own boundaries. Now the child is near, but not inside. Then a year old, when the child himself begins to move in space.

The next step is at the age of three, when mom lets the child go to dad to explore the world. This is the age, which in psychology is called "I myself!". Then the elementary school, when the first teacher becomes a great authority and what she says and does is more important for the child than what the mother says and does.

At this time, a very important quality is formed - trust in another authoritative adult. This will give in the future the opportunity to seek help from other people. After all, parents will not always be there and cannot know everything.

Then adolescence, when friends become an authority. The age when a teenager explores and tries for the strength of his own and others' boundaries, his capabilities. Tries to answer the question: "Who am I?" It is this age that parents are most often afraid of.

But this period becomes difficult not because the child has become a teenager and hormones "hit" his head. And because violations of systemic laws were not eliminated in a timely manner, which means that the teenager now has a deficit of inner confidence, stability and parental support. And also the previous stages of separation were ignored and skipped. Now a teenager will be able to separate and defend his boundaries only through conflict.

Well, and the last stage is adolescence, when adult children begin to look for a partner and start a family. A new family is the last frontier when parents let their children go forever. Now the child, as the people say, is a “cut off hunk”.

In nature, animals and birds themselves push their adult children out of the parent's nest. It continues with life.

There are no perfect parents. Moreover, we develop and grow thanks to the imperfection of our parents. Of course, it is impossible to forget and ignore the pain caused by the mother or father. This pain lives inside. In many ways, this childish mental pain determines our life.

Psychotherapy can help resolve this issue. But if you look at the facts, and they, as you know, are uncompromising, then the most important thing the parents did - gave life. This is what now belongs to us until we die. We can do the rest ourselves. And this is already the choice of an adult.

Each of us has received something from our parents and we all lack something. In this sense, we are all equal. Further, it is only a matter of the person himself. What position in life will we choose? That we lack a lot or that what we have is enough to start the journey?

In the first option, we will conflict with the whole world, make claims, fall into depression from our own impotence. It will be difficult in interpersonal relationships, since the fear of evaluation is great, the criticality to the world and dissatisfaction with it are strong.

Or, on the contrary, connecting in our soul with the fact that we have received something, we can accept it, feeling gifted. In this case, you can give to others. This is agreement and harmony with parents as they are. “It is important to give up what you could not receive from your parents. From longing for closeness with parents.

The one who has fewer claims gets more,”said S. Hausner. A mother can do a lot for her child, but when a mother can no longer give us more, it is important to gratefully accept what has already been given to us. This is what gives the strength to do the rest for yourself.

Statistics show that among people who grew up in orphanages, there is a very small percentage of people who have become successful and prosperous in their lives. But among those who achieved something in their life and successfully socialized, the main internal attitude was the reliance on the fact that life was given to him and it was in his hands.

And for those whose life did not work out, the inner emphasis was shifted towards the fact that life had deprived many of them. Therefore, there is no need to live. And so it happens.

In adulthood, the main role is no longer played by the parents themselves, but by the image that we have in our souls about them. Here he is what matters. We shape our reality in accordance with our inner images. The image changes - reality changes. The relationship with the parents will not necessarily be perfect, although constellations often result in improved parenting for many clients.

The changed inner image of one's own parents gives a person the opportunity to feel strength, warmth and support, regardless of the fact that the parents are still in a difficult situation. An internal distinction appears between the intertwined (burdened) part of the parents, which has nothing to do with the child, and the giving, that is, the parental part that only belongs to the child.

This is a great and fruitful spiritual work. The result of which is a deep inner maturation. Then it is possible to say to my mother: "Yes, you are my mother." And the soul calms down. As Bert Hellinger said: “One becomes a father and mother not because of some moral qualities, but through a special performance that is intended for us. This is a kind of service, a great order of being that we serve."

And if you do not freeze in your childhood pain, but go further, accepting your childhood as inevitability, as something that was predetermined, when you can say to your childhood: “I agree with you,” then in an amazing way, from somewhere in the depths, it is released tremendous inner strength. And then a clear understanding comes that only through my mother could our deep spiritual development, movement towards God take place.

Over time, the feeling comes that our mother is the right mother for us. It is exactly the one that we need - with all that she has, and with that - that she does not have. It is she who is the best for us. As our destiny, filled with deep inner strength, which makes it possible to move forward, grow spiritually, grow stronger and fill with something greater than ourselves.

After all, it is no coincidence that once our soul chose this one from so many women. It turns out that only she alone - our mother, could fulfill for our soul what we came to this earth for.

There is a saying: “Mother is not the one you can always lean on, but the one thanks to whom you will learn to stand firmly on your feet”.