2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
All of us, like fire, are afraid of quarrels and conflicts in relationships. Therefore, we often try to avoid them. This is the reason why we do not voice our attitude to small things, but accumulate them to such an extent that it leads to scandals in a couple.
Psychotherapists Michael Batshaw and Terry Orbach talk about the rules of a good fight. I share with you.
1. Learn to listen to your partner. Communication is the key to resolving conflict. And in order for it to be effective, you need to listen very carefully to your partner, and not think about why he is wrong. Partners who are "stuck" in conflict are usually not very sensitive to each other.
2. Together, come up with a solution that works for both. Each of you may have your own worries and concerns. You need to share your concerns with your partner so that you can then brainstorm and come up with a solution that works for both. But it is not worth stubbornly defending your points of view.
The general principle is this: your anxiety is my anxiety.
The task is to find a win-win solution in which both win, so that no one has the feeling that he is submitting to the will of the other. But the conversation can be constructive only if the partners are in a relaxed state and have a positive attitude.
If partners confront each other, then in the end they experience negative feelings, at least dissatisfaction. And when they work out a common solution, they feel even more loving and close people.
3. Discuss actions without getting personal. Explaining what does not suit you, talk only about the actions, behavior of your partner, but not about his personal qualities. It will be much easier for him to hear you, and he will understand what he needs to work on.
4. Conduct serious conversations when you are calm. For a constructive explanation, we need an emotionally safe environment.
In this state, we will be able to describe to our partner our thoughts / feelings / experiences related to the conflict, and respectfully talk about all this, instead of figuring out who is right and who is wrong.
Don't start a conversation when you're overwhelmed with emotion. They cloud your thoughts and you see everything in a distorted light. It's important to think carefully about what you want to say in advance.
5. If you get nervous, pause. Once again, it is vital to remain calm when it comes to a conflict topic. But in practice, of course, a conversation can upset, agitate, annoy.
If you feel overwhelmed by emotion, interrupt the conversation to calm down.
6. Set boundaries. Determine for yourself what is acceptable to you and what is not (for example, foul language, assault, yelling, yelling).
7. Start a conversation while walking. Men find it much easier to talk about a difficult topic when they are simultaneously engaged in some kind of activity, for example, walking or cycling.
8. Don't be afraid to apologize. Apologies can work wonders. We all make mistakes, and we need to be able to admit that we were wrong in some of our reasons. It is not necessary to say "Forgive me for these words", you can say "I am so sorry that we are at war."
9. Seek psychological help. If you are "stuck" in some kind of conflict situation or your partner does not want to discuss the problem with you in any way, you should think about a visit to a family psychotherapist.
The sooner you come for a consultation, the easier it will be to help you, and the longer you will enjoy a great relationship.
Research by psychologist John Gottman has shown that two-thirds of the problems that arise in couples do not disappear over time. The secret to successful couples is that they learn to discuss their problems in a flexible and tactful manner, without blaming each other for their differences.
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