Place At The Female Breast: Male And / Or Infant

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The topic of sleeping together with a child on any parent forum is on a par with the intensity of passions and the battle of opinions with such hot topics as vaccinations, breastfeeding or artificial feeding and abortion.

I will make a reservation right away that I personally respect any decision regarding the topic discussed today. Parents make their own decisions about feeding, sleeping and raising their children, preferring what they consider acceptable due to values, priorities, upbringing, knowledge, parenting competence, life experience and worldview.

Also, we will not consider the medical side of the issue in the sketch: neither about whether it may not be hygienic (i.e., crawling on the floor and hugging pets is possible, but sleeping with mom and dad is not), nor about the fact that a child can be "asleep" (these are the rarest tragically accidents due to some very specific reasons), nor about the fact that there is research that co-sleeping reduces the likelihood of sudden death of a child in a dream. All these topics are beyond the competence of a psychologist, if you wish, you can google statistics and research.

I wanted to consider the scientific and psychological side of the issue, since more and more often I come across articles based or on psychoanalytic ideas about the nature of prolonged breastfeeding (for short, GW) and joint sleep (SS) (as a rule, we are talking about the fact that SS and GV after a year indicates mental disorders in both the parents and the formation of neurosis in the child in the future), or behavioral (in the context of accustoming to something or weaning the child (or his parent) from something). We will also not touch upon the situations of the union of mentally ill people who commit incest, pedophilia and other sexual perversions, initially trusting the parents with the right to sleep with their children without any "ulterior motives".

There is another understanding of the situation - from the theory of attachment and family systems psychology.

We will consider the first year of the life of a family and a child in terms of the needs of the family as a whole, and of each of its participants, and possible normative difficulties, as well as ways of overcoming.

So, a young family is expecting a child, the firstborn. We are considering a situation when a man and a woman already know each other quite well, both consciously wanted to start a family, they have mutual understanding, mutual trust, and love, of course. The child is welcome. That is, such initially favorable prerequisites for creating a family. Golden time - as women say, "the husband blows away the dust," the wife is puzzled by the pressing issues of nesting. Of course, already from that moment on, awareness of changes gradually occurs, especially when a tummy appears, the baby's movements are such that dad can feel them if he puts his hand. That is, there is an awareness of irreversible changes. Pregnancy is gradually ceasing to be an abstraction, turning into reality to hold a child in her arms for the foreseeable future.

The sexual life of this time, if there are no medical restrictions, is rich enough, the spouses enjoy open intimacy, because there is already pregnancy, that is, they are at a very deep level of intimacy, understanding and trust, filled with joyful expectation. With all the possible awareness, in the head there are idealistic ideas about life with a child - ruffles, pendants, canopy, baby honey. And so, the birth of a child takes place.

What are the needs of a child in the first year of life (I made an interesting review earlier on the needs of children from birth to 7-8 years old).

The first stage of development according to E. Erickson is the first year of life. The need to be, the need for security.

This is the stage of building trust (or mistrust) in the world. Sometimes this period is also called the time of the formation of basic trust in the world. This means that an infant who has received the experience of sufficient care, acceptance, love, care, attention is imbued with sufficient trust for a healthy and adequate relationship to other people. Essentially, this is the satisfaction of the need for security. Now he will not have to decide for himself a question every time - like / do not like, will / will not accept, etc. Otherwise, the world seems to the growing child to be hostile, dangerous, suspicious. And this, in turn, begins to manifest itself to one degree or another in the future.

The formation of basic trust occurs through the formation of attachment. Bowlby calls this the instinctive need to be close to the adult with whom the "imprinting" occurred (the very first and lasting imprinting of the signs of a person who is in close contact with a newborn. Usually a mother). Newfeld calls this time - affection through feelings. This is the pre-verbal level, when constant physical contact is important for the child - not only at the bodily level, but it is important for the child to hear, see, smell, taste (in support of breastfeeding).

The leading activity of this period is direct, close emotional and physical contact with a significant adult.

How is this contact made? Most of the time, the baby is either carried in his arms, or is in constant contact, or is breastfed when he is hungry, that is, on demand (satisfying his need, and not an imposed regime appropriate for artificial feeding). For a child, feeding - no matter what kind - is not only food, but also communication, interaction with the mother. For a baby there is no understanding of the time of day, he often sleeps a lot, waking up for feeding, communication and hygiene.

However, there is such a feature that the baby, falling asleep next to his mother or in her arms, fills his need for safety and trust. For him, a dream is one moment, before he fell asleep - his mother was there, he opened his eyes (even after 3-4 hours, but for the baby - a moment), the mother is not there. What does a baby usually do when he wakes up alone? He begins to cry, because, not yet possessing any abstract concepts at all, for him there is no mother at the moment at all forever. T.. yeah, it's about such an initial feeling of loneliness, instinctive fear for your life. And this cry is the only way to call for help (and not a way of manipulation, and these are not whims).

Of course, this does not mean who any child waking up alone ends up in psychological trauma, but a constant, repeating day after day situation when the baby either falls asleep alone or wakes up alone (especially at night, in the dark, especially if they do not fit right away due to what they did not hear) are really able to reinforce the child's feelings that the world is unsafe, that one cannot relax, but one needs to hold on to mom in any way. The forces that should be spent on development drain away into adapting to cope. And he copes, over time, asking for help less and less often, since it is useless (this is a stone in the monstrous method about "leaving to roar").

What happens to the family at this moment?

And in the family, with the birth of a child, a crisis occurs. Yes, a crisis, but in psychology it is called normative, that is, quite predictable and expected. This means that absolutely all couples where children appear go through it, but, of course, the result can be very different. Unfortunately, statistics inexorably states that almost 45% of all divorces occur in the first three years of marriage, including at birth in these first three years of a child. But why?

We will not consider options for other motives and marriage, and the birth of a child. Let me remind you that we are talking about the initial favorable situation, when there was a good premarital period before pregnancy and marriage, both spouses were ready for both family and children.

But be that as it may, the birth of a child is a serious change in the life of the family, a change in lifestyle, some kind of habits, the need to change the rules established over the years. The need to adjust to the child's rhythm comes to the fore, about worries about his health and livelihoods, about lack of sleep, sometimes chronic, about the fact that a really young mother can comb her hair or eat normally only in the late afternoon, especially if the family lives separately from their parents, without outside help. As I had to repeatedly hear: "Why does no one warn that it is so difficult ?! Why is everyone lying about" happiness of motherhood ", but this is hard work!"

It's great when a young father understands the situation. And this does not mean at all that he should help his mother in caring for the child every time, but at least not demand from her to fulfill all those housekeeping duties that she performed before the birth of the child. If a mother has a choice between sleeping in the afternoon with her baby after a sleepless night, or ironing her husband's shirts, linen, or preparing a varied lunch and dinner, then, of course, the priority should be in satisfying the need for sleep. In the end, the child has two parents, but it is important to remember that until a certain age, the priority in contact with the baby still remains with the mother. It's great when dad is happy to hold the baby while mom is doing some business, hobbies or self-care. It's great when dad takes some part in the daily rituals of caring for the baby - for example, he bathes him in the evening before going to bed, or introduces him to the world, swinging on his arms.

The opposite situation, when a man does not understand what is happening at home, thinks that she "just sits at home with a child all day," does not understand that she can get tired, requires keeping the house perfectly clean, a variety of food, and marital duties on demand. In fact, a conflict of needs occurs, which causes serious tension in relationships, adversely affecting the development of a normative crisis: the mother has a need to take care and care of the baby, as well as to meet the needs for sleep, food and rest, take care of herself, the child needs in security and acceptance, a man has a need for sole possession of his woman, in his usual way of life, in sex, after all. In such a situation, a woman is faced with a choice of someone to deprive of something in order to at the very least maintain family relationships.

To push the needs of the husband? He will go away. Partially push the child's needs? Psychologically, problems are inevitable in the future, first for the child, then for the members of the whole family due to the difficulties in reliable and confidential communication. Pushing your needs (as, by the way, happens most often) - a nervous breakdown, depression, a hidden grudge against her husband. What's this? Struggle or competition between a child and a husband for a woman? This is fine?

From this moment, the first stage begins, pre-divorce, called emotional divorce (according to F. Caslow), also, in turn, consisting of two phases. We will not dwell on this in detail, noting briefly that their essence is in experiencing at the emotional level, first, disappointment, collapse of illusions, alienation, anxiety, which is expressed in avoiding problems, quarrels, crying or sobbing, and then in experiences of despair, feelings of loss, depression, horror, pain, alienation, and so on, expressed in denial, withdrawal (physical or emotional), attempts to win love again. By the way, this is exactly the time when it is still possible to save the marriage in family therapy. Further, if the situation is not resolved, the subsequent stages of the divorce are carried out.

The birth of a child, being a time of crisis, makes visible all those unresolved problems, difficulties, reservations, distortions, dysfunctions. If the motives for the wedding were about anything but family, then it doesn't matter where the child sleeps - there will always be any reason to break up.

If in the initially favorable situation, which we are considering, the union is built on mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual assistance and love, then these are the very resources that are able to keep the family ship afloat in any storm. A child in bed cannot perform any other functions except his own, if the family is normal - he is neither the husband of his mother, nor the brother of his father, nor the matchmaker of the husband's sister. Only the child of his parents.

Both spouses understand that at the moment, despite the importance of marital relations, it is this defenseless baby that should be a priority. Instinctively, a woman understands the importance of constant contact with a child of the first year of life. A loving father and husband understands this too. Roughly speaking, if both spouses understand both the needs of the child and the needs of each spouse, discuss difficulties, ambiguities, openly and without hesitation talk about their problems and needs, then situations such as satisfying their needs at the expense of someone else do not arise. or they get by with "little blood".

If constant closeness is important for the mother and the child in the first months, then a loving man will not mind that the child sleeps with the mother, at least for those considerations that getting up at night to feed and rock the child is much harder than doing it without getting up. If the very fact of finding a baby in the same bed with his parents causes a whole range of unpleasant experiences, for various reasons, then there is also a great way out - a crib with a removable side, which is placed close to an adult. On the one hand, and the child is nearby, it will be convenient to feed him or change the diaper, and on the other hand, the spouses can sleep as conveniently without worrying about hurting the baby.

The child is fine without any difficulties, after a little preparation, goes into his crib in due time, knowing that he can always return to "nourish" the parental love again. A child with a healthy attachment will come less and less often, only sometimes, during times of illness and some stress, they may ask to sleep with their parents. Also, it is possible if the baby does not communicate with his mother almost all day (if she is at work, for example), then he will want to get this lack of communication in a joint dream.

Usually, a child of 5-6 years old comes with joy in the morning, but at night he does not even think to come to his mother under the barrel. And vice versa, I very often come across situations where parents cannot "shove out" a child 3-4-5 years old and even older, who comes all the time at night or in the morning. In all cases, from infancy, the child was "taught" to sleep alone, and he, of course, slept, and then … But an adult child or even a teenager in bed with his parents (and more often with his mother, since the fathers have already gone away) really a sign of some serious psychological family dysfunction.

Perhaps this is the only weighty argument in favor of infant childcentrism. As the child grows up, of course, the emphasis shifts again to the priority of the relationship between husband and wife. That is, life with a baby organically fits into the life of the family. It is important for mom and baby to be close to each other, it is important for a man and a woman to maintain the closeness that was during the creation of the family. A man and a child are not competitors, they do not need to divide a woman between themselves. By and large, a husband and wife are always a priority, but they also have a responsibility for the well-being of children, the fundamental principle of which is a reliable and strong attachment, which, in the end, will return a hundredfold to them in their declining years.