About Female Wisdom Or How Concepts Are Sometimes Substituted

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

About female wisdom

or how concepts are sometimes substituted

Recently at a reception I once again heard from a client the phrase: "I decided to act wisely as a woman." In the psychologist's office, these words are heard quite often. And in general, women's wisdom is a fairly popular topic. The network is full of blogs, websites, collections of aphorisms, where women are encouraged to be not just smart, but wise. Glossy magazines give some pretty witty juxtapositions of the simple woman and the Wise Woman. That's right, with a capital letter. Questions involuntarily arise: what kind of special wisdom is this - female? What is the most common meaning of this concept? Women's wisdom is somehow different from just wisdom and, if so, how exactly?

Let's start with the concept of just wisdom, no gender definition. From a scientific point of view (both psychology and philosophy), wisdom is not a separate personality trait, but a set of traits and properties. It is a combination of knowledge, experience, striving for truth, creative activity and harmony. CG Jung describes the archetype of the Sage. Sage Jung is the embodiment of freedom of thought, he personifies our craving for knowledge and a deep understanding of things, and also helps us make the right choices, especially in difficult situations. It is no coincidence that Jung's archetype of the Sage is a male archetype, that is, in Jung's terminology, it refers to the active, decisive, creative part of our psyche (both in men and women).

The concept of self-actualization by A. G. Maslow is often associated with the concept of wisdom. In short, Maslow's self-actualizing personality is a person with deep knowledge and acceptance of reality (himself, other people, the world), with independent thinking, judgments and assessments. This personality is characterized by deep interpersonal relationships, constant internal growth and spiritual work on oneself, as well as constructive use of internal energy and focus on solving tasks.

It is easy to notice similar moments in different descriptions of wisdom, such as experience, knowledge, independence and freedom of thought and choice, a deep understanding of the world and people, as well as an active, creative principle. At the same time, wisdom is viewed as a kind of universal phenomenon, without reference to a specific gender. No separate "female" wisdom is found in the scientific literature.

But in popular magazines, on the Internet, in personal conversations and discussions, the situation is completely different. Magazines and sites publish articles about female wisdom, mothers and grandmothers pass on their “wise female secrets” to young girls, women of different ages evaluate their own and other people's actions from the position of “female wisdom”. Here are just a few typical examples of the use of the phrase "female wisdom".

• At a psychologist's appointment, a middle-aged client tells that her husband is cheating on her: “But I decided that it was necessary to show female wisdom: do not shout, do not swear, just wait it out. Then I can keep my family together."
• One of my thirty-year-old acquaintances, her mother gives insistent advice about quarrels with an angry husband: "Well, let her yell and call herself names, you are a woman, be wiser, keep quiet and that's it."
• In one of the popular blogs on a completely advanced site, women's wisdom is presented as silence, patience and avoiding "rude", direct actions: "point him to this thought", "let him think that this is his idea", "do not show that and you know it yourself”and so on.

Let's look at these examples from the point of view of a psychologist and try to understand what motivation is behind each of these manifestations of "female wisdom", and what development of events is most likely if you act in a similar vein.

With the first client (the one whom her husband cheated on, and she wisely waited for him to stop), everything is simple and sad. Her husband really did not leave her, but he is already cheating on her openly, spends both holidays and vacations with his mistresses, even goes with them to visit mutual friends, and tells his wife that her business is home and children. She continues to endure. And she got depressed. What happened on a psychological level? Now it is not so important why he cheated on her for the first time, the reaction of this woman is important. She said nothing. And my husband was very happy with this, because silence can be interpreted as you like, including as consent. And, of course, this woman was guided not by wisdom, but by fear. Fear of losing this man, or fear of being alone, or fear of conflict. But in fear it is difficult to admit even to yourself, wisdom sounds much more worthy.

My acquaintance (the one whom my mother advised to remain silent in response to her husband's rudeness) still could not stand the “wise” position, declared that she would no longer allow herself to be humiliated, and put an ultimatum in front of her husband: either to change his behavior, or to leave. It is difficult to say exactly how this story will end, but one thing is clear: this woman, unlike the previous one, will not be depressed because of the feeling of continuous humiliation. And my mother's advice to be wise … Let's be honest, it was not dictated by wisdom either. Just for some reason, my mother did not want her daughter to risk marriage. Maybe the mother was afraid that her daughter would be left alone. Or treasured this particular son-in-law. Or she had some other motive. In any case, it would be little joy for her daughter to live her whole life under continuous insults, consoling herself with the thought of her own "wisdom."

As for magazine tips, here the description of female wisdom is not advice about silence or patience. This is by and large a call to manipulate a man in every way possible. So, they say, it will be wiser. The position is not new, moreover, in the long centuries of patriarchy, it fully justified itself: after all, it is true, it is stupid to pump rights if you have no rights at all. Well, what if there is? If we live in the twenty-first century, and women have no less rights than men? Why do modern women need an old, manipulative relationship model? Again, out of fear. Fear to prove themselves, fear for relationships, which, apparently, deep down, women themselves do not consider strong enough. Or out of fear to openly take responsibility for something (this fear is typical for people with infantile features). Of course, every woman makes her own choice. How open is she in her desires? How tough is it to defend your case? There is no single recipe. But it's worth remembering that manipulative relationships have one extremely unpleasant consequence. This is a growing aggression towards the manipulator, most often unconscious, and therefore bursting out in various unexpected and unsightly forms. In addition, those who prefer to “achieve success through someone else” should be prepared for another unpleasant surprise. The phrase "I did everything myself, what have you got to do with it?" sounds much more often than toasts in honor of the “wise” wife, who diligently created the illusion in her husband that he is the only one here so smart and wonderful.

A disappointing conclusion suggests itself: often the concept of "female wisdom" is brought to light when there is a need to cover up other motives - fears, uncertainty, inability to stand up for oneself, unwillingness to take responsibility, and so on.

It is interesting that both in everyday conversations and in blog-magazines, often next to discussions about female wisdom, there is a piece of a famous prayer quote - about finding the strength to endure something that cannot be changed. Moreover, it is characteristic that the first part of this prayer is, as it were, forgotten, and yet it is about finding the strength to change what can be changed. And wisdom is needed to distinguish the unchanging from the fact that we are quite capable of changing. And not at all in order to find a beautiful excuse for inaction.

Women often have enough wisdom to correctly assess the situation, and the strength to carry out their plans, and patience on the way to the goal, when necessary. In general, it seems to me that wise women are not so rare. And, probably, in each of us there is a particle of the Sage, who is able to tell us the most optimal way out even in an extremely difficult situation. But we do not always hear this part of ourselves. And we do not always have enough inner strength to face the truth, see the situation as it is, and make a decision. But this is a completely different story, a story about fears, self-doubts and internal conflicts that stand in the way of true wisdom.

Alla Dmitrieva, psychologist, psychoanalyst, PhD in Psychology