LOVE OF NARCISSUS

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It will be about narcissistic part, and by tradition, only in the aspect of love relationships. This is the most vulnerable and fragile part of the personality in the field of interpersonal interactions, because the notorious self-esteem is formed here, in the narcissistic field. In the narcissistic part, there are such different concepts as "love" and "confession" merge, become identical. Our inner narcissist really needs (unconditional) love, but at the same time he tries to earn love with his virtues and actions. This is the point narcissistic splitting: unrealistic I, image, so-called. the false Self is used to achieve love for the real, real Self. It is not hard to guess what comes out of this.

Generally, achievements are the main value for the narcissist, the prism and measure of everything. Love and relationships are also no exception: in this area, the narcissist must be successful. The meta-need of this part of the personality is the need to manipulate: your body, objects, people, people's feelings, your own feelings. The narcissistic part develops the very last in ontogenesis, when the child has already formed basic security and received primary autonomy from the mother, that is, when a small person begins to experience himself as a separate being and independently comprehends the world. The child actively explores the world and tries it for strength (as well as himself), with age it becomes more and more functional in order to gain power over the environment, not to be helpless. This is a natural process, but getting stuck leads to an imbalance and the narcissistic radical starts to bulge out. In its extreme manifestation, we can talk about the formation of a narcissistic personality (the development of a narcissistic character), when a person loses contact with his true self and devotes his whole life to narcissistic decompensation.

But back to the topic of love. People with pronounced narcissistic radicals are highly functional, possess a ton of skills, and tend to be successful. They are skillful seducers and professional heartthrobs who have been polishing their attractiveness all their lives. However, this also has a downside - an instrumental attitude towards oneself and towards people: for a narcissist, the main thing is not the process, but the result! The narcissist also perceives the sensual sphere as a field for achievements: falling in love with someone, falling in love (of your own free will, remember?), Falling out of love … In an attempt to control what is impossible to control, the main thing is overlooked. If the neurotic component (attachment, sense of belonging) is very weak, the narcissist never achieves satisfaction in love. With an underdeveloped "schizoid" (security, authenticity), there is no depth in the relationship - two impeccable images play beautifully in love …

Individuals with a pronounced narcissistic radical are "specific guys", they live by concepts, guided by value judgments, and therefore are boring and predictable. They tend to adhere to introjected internal codes such as "real man", "true lady" and similar clichés to navigate the world of such unpredictable interpersonal relationships. (For organic orientation, authenticity is needed, and true narcissists do not.) It will not surprise anyone that the narcissist also chooses a partner according to his high, and rather strict, standards. Love for a narcissist is always “for something,” the profiling feeling is admiration. It is also not news to anyone that idealization is usually followed by depreciation - this is the hallmark of narcissistic dynamics. However, in sexual love we always love "for something" and this is normal, unconditional love can only be parental. Healthy idealization of a partner is necessary and conceived by nature for a strong attraction between a man and a woman, so that people continue the race. You can talk about pathological narcissism when the idealized image of the beloved has nothing to do with reality. A true narcissist is alienated from himself, he is only interested in the false, ideal I - to the same extent, he is only interested in the ideal images of others. There is The good news is that narcissistic disappointment and depreciation also only applies to the image of the Other, not to the real person

Due to this, narcissistic dynamics in love are tied to fear of rejection - as a mechanism of projection - and the narcissist does everything possible and impossible to avoid it, for example, develops the mechanism of anticipatory rejection. This is more common in people with narcissistic trauma than in narcissistic individuals. In this note, unfortunately, it is impossible to fit all the subtleties and differences of the concepts associated with narcissism, but we all have that part where we have to represent something in order to deserve love - the difference in the degree of expression and in the history of its formation … One way or another, what is characteristic of narcissistic dynamics is a sharp and complete break in relations.

Another interesting phenomenon from this field is the so-called, narcissistic capitalization … Its essence lies in the fact that a person is ready to endlessly invest resources in himself, in a partner and in a relationship, just to avoid rejection. That is, at the slightest sign of impending rejection, a person with an inflamed narcissistic part is in a hurry to "pump" himself with even greater dignity, to show unprecedented generosity and resourcefulness - that is, he tries to bribe the object of love in order to get his favor. This behavior grows out of the notorious illusion of omnipotence and the delusion that someone else's attachment can be controlled. Again, within reasonable limits, this should be normal - such dynamics becomes pathology when the sensitivity to the response of the Other is lost, that is, when a certain reality is ignored.

But do not forget that the narcissistic component is an integral part of the personality, and in fairness, it must be added that with its insufficient development, a person in love can be clumsy, uncouth - for example, some antisocial schizoid, or simple, like a felt boot, neurotic … People with a developed and harmonious "narcissist" are very attractive, charismatic, admirable. Their main enemy in love is inconstancy, and the ability to cope with crises in relationships and love "in spite of", and not "for something" - is a zone for growth.

Tatiana Martynenko, libido.in.ua/otnosheniya/lyubov-nartsissa/

Illustrations: Stanislav Krupp