Midlife Crisis In Women. One Day You Suddenly Understand

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

One day there comes a day when you ask yourself the question: what next?

It becomes clear that the main peaks in their careers have already been reached, the children have grown up and are living their own lives, the relationship with her husband has developed (or not developed) in a certain way …

And here, for the first time in their lives, many women seriously think: what do I want myself? What happened to my dreams, talents, cherished desires? And what were they like?

It is quite possible that you have been living in constant "service" for many years, fulfilling someone else's desires, caring for someone, helping and supporting. At first, there were the wishes of your parents - that your daughter graduated from school with honors, learned music and dance, knew English perfectly, entered a good university, married a worthy person, gave birth to grandchildren. Your parents prepared you for this and you tried to please them. At school, teachers' desires have increased: so that you are an exemplary student who sits quietly in class, does not play pranks during recess, always prepares homework and answers any questions well. And the wishes of classmates: so that you are a kind and attentive friend, ready to suggest the right answer and keep company for the game. Then, after school, the desires of the teachers of the institute, girlfriends and gentlemen, then the desires of the boss and colleagues at work, husband, children, mother-in-law … they want from you!

drawing - Nanami Cowdroy (c)

You wanted love and attention so much that you completely disappeared into other people's desires, trying to please. You even took other people's dreams for your own, and only found substitution when you achieved the desired goal, you felt disappointment and emptiness.

And now there is not so much strength, many dreams turned out to be empty, and something just remained in the past, a pleasant memory … But what next?

The traditional, well-known scenario is to sit at home or in the country, to engage in grandchildren and some hobby, such as floriculture or knitting. Someone really finds himself in this. But not all of them. In addition, children often leave for another city or another country, are in no hurry to have a family and children, and when they do this, they prefer to take care of their baby on their own, or find a good kindergarten with educational games.

Well, the most important thing is the feeling that life is wasted and it is not clear what is really "mine"?

And then a lot of "well-wishers with useful advice" pounce on you. One recommends going on a trip, the other - to open your own business, the third - to draw or sing … Internet magazines are full of tempting headlines: a lady "over 50" won the marathon! At 70 years old - a trip around the world! At 65, she began to sing and became a world celebrity! After retiring, I started baking cookies and launched a successful business on this!

Yes, there are many such stories. But each of them is unique, it is in no way a "guide to action." Before storming Everest or taking on the restaurant business, it is important to take the very first step: to understand "who am I? What do I personally need? What is my uniqueness?"

Often good initiatives are ruined in the bud. You start grabbing one thing or the other, sign up for yoga courses, then take a great interest in right-brain drawing, then go on a safari to Kenya … All this fascinates, but not for long. And then disappointment sets in and nothing at all enthralls. Because all this was just an attempt to fill the void, and there is nothing to fill it with (make it complete) - by definition.

drawing - Nanami Cowdroy (c)

And here doubts arise: is it worth trying something new at all? In my years? Maybe all the best is behind and now all that remains is to "live out" and be glad that at least some joys are still available?

About this I can say for sure: this is only your decision! Live - or live

I was very lucky. When I was 25 I started my practice as a psychologist, I worked mainly with people "over 40" and it was the 90s! Many of them lost their jobs due to layoffs, experienced the collapse of their businesses, and worst of all, they were disappointed in their ideals, which from childhood gave meaning to their lives. I have worked with a wide variety of people. At one time I worked with politicians, accompanying them during the elections, traveled a lot around the country and saw a lot of different destinies.

The main thing that I understood is that we always remain the masters of our lives, at any age, under any circumstances. I saw politicians and successful businessmen who lost everything because they clung to their usual values and beliefs with all their might, believing that new trends are fleeting, everything will soon settle down and return to normal. Blind self-confidence, resting on the laurels of past experience is as destructive as despair and self-deprecation. I saw many people who lost their jobs 2-3 years before retirement. Some created their own businesses, fit into new structures - and earned much more than before. Others were interrupted by odd jobs, scolded everyone and everyone around them, refusing to see any prospects and invest in new opportunities. But how much effort and time they put into their hatred of everything new, into endless self-pity and nostalgia for the "good old time!"

• When a person is born, he is weak and flexible; when he dies, he is strong and hard. When a tree grows, it is soft and flexible, and when it is dry and tough, it dies. Hardness and strength are companions of death, flexibility and weakness express the freshness of being. Therefore, what is solidified will not win. Lao Tzu,
• Tao Te Ching, § 76

drawing - Nanami Cowdroy (c)

Among my "charges" was a politician "well over 50", who with great interest asked me about psychological practices for successful speeches and negotiations, with full dedication he performed the exercises that I suggested. And he also studied English with a teacher - before he did not need it, but now he needed it for negotiations with foreign partners, he began to teach.

There were those who did not even want to hear about any psychologists and image-makers, "who teach how to wave crayfish." Still - we did not do a single decade without them, and we will live on. Their fate was not very successful in a rapidly changing reality, even despite the numerous connections and accumulated experience.

Today's situation is often compared to the 90s. Now people of my generation are being laid off, they are left without work, having underworked literally for several years before retirement, which is especially offensive.

Of course, this is not the only point. It's just that in such crisis moments we finally think "where am I actually going in my life? What will make me happy? What am I?"

After all, in fact, in a crisis, the husk flies, then what may have been convenient, but already terribly tired and certainly was not "your life's work."

The same thing happens in relationships. And this topic is especially painful for women. Perhaps you suddenly discovered that you are no longer as attractive as before, your husband began to stare at the young, beautiful. Perhaps you torment yourself with the thought that you did not give birth to as many children as you would like. Perhaps they were simply left alone, because the husband died, and the children had gone in all directions.

And again you return to this question: "What next? Where should I go and what should I do?"

I help people find answers. Unfortunately, there is no one thing in common. It is unique for each person. And it doesn't always come in the form of words. Rather, it is a change in one's state, the feeling of oneself in this world.

So, I cannot offer you instructions, but I will share a few recommendations.

1. Don't cling to your past. Let him go. Together with everything good and bad that was in it. As long as you live with memories, with a hidden hope that "suddenly everything will be as before" - nothing but complete collapse and degradation will shine for you.

2. Do not hesitate and do not hesitate to learn from those who are younger than you. Of course - depending on what and with whom. But as for new computer technologies, or rapidly developing gadgets - master what may be useful to you, or simply arouses interest. Young consultants and authors of videos on YouTube will perfectly enlighten you on this topic.

3. Trust yourself, your feelings and your intuition more. Develop this sensitivity. Do not listen to any gossips, aunts and fashionable TV presenters. That is, listen, of course, but be sure to "pass through yourself." Someone has "butterflies in the stomach", someone else gets lighter or warmer when really "theirs". You have something of your own, your own signals when really "yours". Look for them, listen to them

4. Do not be afraid of emptiness - meditate on it. Such is the Buddhist advice. Practicing meditation during such periods is indeed very beneficial. There are a lot of them - look for the right ones. The main thing is not to try to fill it with anything. Learn to be with emptiness - it is from it that something new is born, including a new version of you.

I must warn you - this is not a quick process, requiring patience and certain investments - both mental and material. Do not be afraid and do not hesitate to seek help from a psychologist. Only the strong and courageous are able to admit their weakness and accept help. Shouting "I can handle it myself! I don't need anyone" is a protective mask behind which fear and self-doubt are hidden.

The author of the article - psychologist Lana Taiges (Maslova Svetlana Vladimirovna) (c)

drawing - Nanami Cowdroy (c)