UNSUFFICIENT PEOPLE

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Take a look at this picture. It reproduces a popular idea that grew out of the ideology of individualism: a person in the confrontation "one against all" can win. The main thing is faith in yourself, in your success and in your goals - and everything will work out. But I look at this picture and think that if her character is doing exactly as it is drawn, he will not just fail. He won't start doing anything at all. Thinking about goals, perhaps, will be a lot - but it will not budge. And if it does move, it won't go far

Why? Because the idea that our personality is a kind of isolated entity from the whole world and that it can act even in spite of the whole world is not true. Although this thought is very tempting. I really love Kipling's poem "If". It is truly wonderful - a declaration of human courage in the face of the challenges that life throws down to him. And if you are able to put everything that has become / You are accustomed to the table, / To lose everything and start over again, / Not regretting what you have acquired … Powerful words. But there is one point that makes all this courage unrealistic. These are the very first lines.

Oh, if you are calm, not at a loss, When they lose their heads around

And if you stayed true to yourself, When your best friend doesn't believe in you …

When no one believes in you, and even the best friend turns away, and there is nothing to rely on - even the strongest, most confident person will falter, hesitate and begin to look around in search of additional support. “One on one” is seductive, but “one on one in opposition to the world” was beyond the power of even the ancient Greek gods and heroes. Even Hercules had a companion.

"What kind of outside support do I need to get what I want?" Many people do not even ask this question, following the usual image of an isolated person who is able to withstand, survive in a complete psychological and physical vacuum. “I only need my will and determination,” an acquaintance once told me. "What strengthens your resolve?" And he, answering, called the aforementioned poem "If …". “That is, you are supported by Kipling. And then you are not alone … ".

We are not able to find ourselves in complete, absolute loneliness - because even on a desert island we will have an interlocutor. Human consciousness is dialogical, we always have at least one internal interlocutor who, for example, questions our ideas or, on the contrary, encourages the hesitant. As M. Zhvanetsky said, "real loneliness is when you talk to yourself all night and they don't understand you." But still - you are talking … The death of an inner interlocutor is a path to madness.

It is vital for us to be heard. Heard and noticed in any of our manifestations, and not only in those that are to the liking of the one to whom we are addressing. This is why support is not consolation, although consolation can be important too. As I understand it now, support is giving a person the opportunity to be with me exactly as he is now. If he lives through grief - to give the opportunity to grieve with me, without these "everything will be fine." If he is at a loss - to give the opportunity to be at a loss to be around, not to bombard with advice or recommendations. But this is possible only when for myself grief or confusion are possible, permissible, when I am not afraid to allow myself to be like that, and I am not afraid to fall apart, fail and not get out. When there is trust in the process - and in your body. We need a close witness who is able to join us, discern our experience - and not try to do something about it.

If in our states, turning to another, we remain unheard and unsupported, when people turn away from what is unbearable for them, then we remain alone. To loneliness is added its frequent companion - shame.

Shame is not just a feeling of one's own worthlessness, insignificance and a desire to disappear. Our experiences or actions become shameful the moment they are not heard or supported by other people. When a boy cries, but his pain is not heard and they say “boys don’t cry,” he curls up. Pain and tears do not disappear, but they become shameful, and this not only intensifies the experience - it preserves it. When we cannot be weak, shy, sensitive, frightened in front of other people (add as appropriate), then we do not cease to be like that, but in addition we learn to be ashamed of these states. Shame stops the experience, it freezes in our soul, and does not disappear anywhere.

Shame - this is a lack of support in the field of life around us, and not necessarily through direct condemnation. Unsolicited advice and recommendations increase shame, because it gives rise to the feeling that all people around can and know how to get out of a difficult situation, alone you do not know or do not know how. Since helplessness is especially "shameful" for men, it is more often men who tend to try to "silence" the despair, weakness and helplessness of other people with advice or direct attempts to do something. Even when not asked. But it is precisely these attempts that reinforce the shame.

This is how forbidden zones are born in our psyche. According to the psychotherapist and philosopher G. Wheeler, “if, as a child, I feel myself in a certain way and have a certain set of abilities, and you, who belong to the adult world, demand something completely different from me, which I cannot give you, then the only possible integration (of our I) for me will be the compilation of a story in which I am somehow bad and therefore I hide, trying to the best of my ability, if not to correct myself, then at least to pretend that I have the necessary qualities. " And so, pretending that we have everything that is necessary for a "mature and healthy" personality, we are left alone with our own feelings and states.

But there is no escape from the fact that our experiences are always addressed to someone.

When we cry, we cry for someone. There are no tears that are not addressed to anyone, any of our experiences require that they be heard, seen - and responded to, and not silenced.

When loved ones and loved ones die, our tears are addressed not only to the living, but also to the dead. People turn to the dead, talk to them, talk about love for them, about anger for leaving too early, or even about joy because the suffering from a serious illness is behind - and it doesn't matter if you are an atheist or believe in an afterlife. And it doesn't even matter that the one who died may not hear it - it is important to just say these words addressed to the one who left. Just to voice - but addressed … This is the essence of social human nature - our feelings are always addressed to someone.

The essence of support - acceptance of any human condition, the ability to withstand it. "I see that it is difficult for you, I see you vulnerable, and I will not turn my back on you like that." It's difficult. At one point or another in life, each person is faced with the feelings of another person intolerable for him and turned away from them … And the essence of self-support is acceptance of oneself in any state, without attempts to underestimate, devalue or hide from oneself one's own experiences. “I was not offended, I was angry” (still, offense is branded as an infantile feeling, and is associated with “what are you, offended, or what?” And “they carry water to the offended”).

In general, if we stand alone against the whole world and cannot start what we have long dreamed of, we do not have enough external support, and it would not be shameful to admit it. Without this external support, we find ourselves doomed to shame and conserve our fortunes, to write stories that we have everything we need. And at the same time do not budge a step …

It is wonderful when in our past or present there were such people who did not turn away from us, from whom always, no matter what happened in life, came the following message: “You are ours. No matter what happens, you are ours. Then, faced with life's difficulties, we can rely on these words - and not deny ourselves. After all, the father (mother, brother, friend, girlfriend, sister …) did not turn away.

If you don't have such experience, you will have to study this for a long time. Consider other people, finds a sincere response to their experiences and notice how people react in response to your words and feelings.

To dare to open up, to admit some “forbidden” feelings, thoughts and states - and to find that people remain with you, they did not turn away and grimace in disgust, but at the same time they don’t try to “save you” as soon as possible. They're just around - and they have similar experiences of fear and self-reliance storytelling. The variations of these stories are different, but the essence is the same.

And, having suffered a wreck, you can again-

Without the previous strength - to resume your work …