SKETCH OF HATE

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Critically evaluating people is a common practice of my former client Vera *. I am Vera's fifth therapist. She left the first two silently and without warning. The third one made a scandal, threatened to turn to the ethics committee, and out of revenge, with a fair amount of complacency, did not pay for the last session. The fourth, sensing that “it smelled of fried,” refused Vera himself, recommending that she turn to more experienced specialists. I turned out to be such a “more experienced specialist”. At the first meeting, Vera almost immediately shared her therapeutic adventures, as if telling me: "You understand who you are dealing with, right?"

Faith is undoubtedly a person whose many actions have traditionally been described in terms of attachment disorder. For Vera, people are as dangerous, treacherous, deceitful and unnatural as her loved ones, with whom she grew up. Inside, Vera is very scared and constantly tries to control others, thus trying to make them less dangerous. Excessive control of Faith is expressed in the tendency to blame everyone and in everything, as well as in the skill of touching a person for a living, making him feel ashamed.

To avoid vulnerability in close relationships, Vera broadcast frightening programs: "I had four therapists before you, do you really think that you will not join the ranks of these worthless losers?" Talking about "failed therapies" is sometimes the provocation of primitive hatred - making the therapist fearful and capitulating to a difficult client. In her life, Vera often alienated others by endlessly predicting some kind of catastrophe, thereby worsening their emotional state and thereby forcing them to distance themselves from it. The grandiose Self of Vera felt triumph: "These fools, unable to face the truth, are unworthy of my love," the despised Self received its own: "I am unworthy of their love."

Vera's narcissistic trauma allowed her to develop the false belief that her subjectively perceived standards of rightness and truth are objective truth. Imaginary grievances, common human oversights, self-interpreted facial expressions and misperceptions have always been used by Vera to bring relationships to justice.

Vera treated herself badly and was disappointed in herself since childhood, the inability to bear this truth turned into an unfair transfer of disappointment to other people. Vera was always looking for a "scapegoat" - it could be a therapist, taxi driver, colleague, tutor, politician or blogger. The parent's hatred is assimilated by Vera in such a way that she simply needs to redirect it to someone, since it is impossible for her to withstand the attack of hatred of internal objects.

One of the most notable versions of the expression of hatred against me consisted in the desire to make me suffer from powerlessness and enjoyment of my confusion. The desire to humiliate me eventually took on the following form. Vera's transfer was not expressed in obvious aggression and devaluation of my efforts, on the contrary, she was “grateful to me for my efforts and efforts”: “I see how you are trying to help me, but, apparently, nothing can be done with me, it is useless does not lead "," I do not leave you, I stay, I do not threaten you with violence, I pay for the sessions regularly - look how unhappy you are in your attempts to do something. " Vera has an amazing ability to imagine the suffering of others when she deliberately tortures them. Vera's understanding of the emotions of other people had a dark side, for each she developed her own tortures, because she could perfectly delve into the feelings of other people. At this time, I really felt depressed and thought that my feelings are in many ways similar to my own experiences of insignificance, despair and inadequacy of Faith, I had to become her own worthless image, which does not deserve either trust or love, but only an indulgent pity emanating from the grandiose self. In other words, Vera projected unbearable aspects of herself, inducing her state in me.

Deep down, Vera needed an object of affection and longed for intimacy, but just as much needed and longed for it to be destroyed. In his analysis of the affect of hate, Kernberg writes:

“The extreme form of hatred requires the physical elimination of the object and can be expressed in the murder or radical devaluation of the object, which often finds its expression in the symbolic destruction of all objects: that is, all potential relationships with significant others. " And further: “Primitive hatred also takes the form of striving to destroy the ability to enter into satisfying relationships with others and the ability to learn something of value in these relationships. The underlying reason for this need to destroy reality and communication in intimate relationships is (…) unconscious and conscious envy of an object, especially an object that is not internally captured by such hatred."

Vera sought to destroy what she received from me, precisely when she felt that I was really helping her, these were the actions of her hostile authority, which each time prevented her attempts to receive therapeutic help, forbidding her to enter into any relationship, except destructive ones.

M. Klein pointed to envy of a good object as an important characteristic of narcissistic pathology. This envy is complicated by the need to destroy one's own awareness of envy, so as not to feel the full horror of the wild envy that a person feels for what is dear to him in the object. Hatred is primarily hatred for a frustrating object, and at the same time, it is hatred for a loved and necessary object from which love is expected and from which frustration is inevitable. Following the all-or-nothing principle, others are rejected because they are all imperfect and cannot be guaranteed to be safe.

* Name has been changed. All published client cases are published with the consent of clients after they completed therapy more than two years ago.