The Psychology Of Betrayal

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Mikhail Litvak Source:

"I was betrayed by my beloved student, my hope, my future, betrayed in the most difficult moment, when I was counting on his help." "I was betrayed by my best friend, subordinate, husband, etc." Quite often I had to listen to such or approximately such statements from patients or clients who were usually depressed. Quite often they repeated: “How to live further? Who can you trust? " Of course, I consoled them and treated them as best I could. Everything was getting better, but after some period they again became victims of betrayal. I was inwardly indignant at their "stupidity" and again continued to help

But it was only when I was betrayed that I appreciated Hugo's statement: "I am indifferent to the knife strikes of the enemy, but the pin prick of a friend agonizes me." And I decided to fully understand this phenomenon, try to develop measures to prevent betrayal, find out the features of behavior when you have already been betrayed, find out if you have betrayed someone yourself, describe the psychological portrait of the traitor. I have already accumulated the material.

Who is betraying? "Devoted" people: favorites (students, employees, subordinates, etc.), and all those in whom you have invested both soul and material resources. The pattern is as follows: the greater the good deed, the stronger the betrayal.

Betrayal is widespread everywhere. In lectures on the psychology of betrayal, I asked those who had been betrayed to raise their hands. Almost everyone raised their hands (and my listeners are patients with neuroses and psychosomatic diseases). Almost everyone has experienced betrayal. Betrayed now by children, now by parents, now by a friend, now by a beloved student.

So what is betrayal?

Betrayal is the deliberate infliction of harm (material, moral or physical) on a person or group of people who trusted you

Betrayal is to be distinguished from apostasy. Apostasy is a refusal to communicate with a previously close person or group of people. Let us remember that Peter denied Christ three times, but nevertheless he is respected to this day. Judas betrayed Christ only once, and this act is the standard of betrayal.

The betrayal is described in detail in Dante's Divine Comedy. In the ninth circle, traitors are tormented in four ditches. In the first moat, which he named after Cain, who killed his brother Abel, traitors of relatives are serving their sentences, in the second moat - traitors to the homeland and like-minded people, in the third - traitors to fellow diners, in the fourth - traitors to the Teachers. It is in this moat that Judas, Brutus and Cassius are located.

We, brought up in certain traditions (“think about the Motherland first, and then about yourself”), may be perplexed that the betrayal of a fellow-meal is punished more severely than the betrayal of relatives, homeland and like-minded people.

True, we were taught to betray. After all, Pavlik Morozov was the ideal for the pioneers. Thank God that now the articles on the obligation to report on blood relatives are excluded from the Criminal Code! And to what level were those who betrayed their Teachers raised, let us recall the notorious session of the VASKh-NIL, defending the “doctrine” of Lysenko, and the session of the USSR Academy of Medical Sciences, “defending” I. P. Pavlova!

But why is it that the betrayal of fellow guests is punished more severely than the betrayal of relatives and homeland? This is where Dante's genius comes in. Genius always reflects what corresponds to the Laws of life, and not to the written laws. Laws are obligatory for everyone and do not know any exceptions. So what are these Laws in terms of relationships between people?

Earlier, there was a companion who was at the same time a hunting companion, employee, or homeland? And who is closer to a person: an employee with whom he communicates every day, or a brother who may be living in a completely different place? Of course, a companion, an employee. What does food mean to us? Food is life! Therefore, a companion is a person who helps us survive. And if I do meanness to the person I ate, then I automatically become a traitor.

Therefore, I made it a rule for myself not to sit at the table with a person with whom I am in confrontation. And vice versa, if it happened that I was visiting someone, then I would never oppose him. With an undecided relationship with a person, I sit down with him at the table, so as not to become a traitor later.

Dante was right that he considered the betrayal of his relatives the easiest. Yes, and the people say that it is not the mother who gave birth, but the one who raised and nurtured. And Dante is three times right that he defined the highest punishment for the traitors of the Teacher, for they become a Man thanks to the Teacher. And if you have disagreements with the Teacher, leave him, but do not oppose.

My scientific work is related to the problem of fate. One of the highlights here is Karpman's triangle of fate. If a person gets into the script, then his life follows this triangle, where his roles change.

What are these roles? These are the roles of Persecutor, Deliverer and Victim.

A patient or client comes to my appointment as a Victim. A return to a happy life can come only if he learns to build equal relationships with people. Then he will avoid the role of Persecutor and Deliverer, which from a psychological point of view is the same thing - communication with a sign of superiority over a partner. If the boss pursues the subordinate, then the latter, if he gains strength, will pursue the boss, who will turn from the Pursuer into the Victim.

The Redeemer's fate is similar. If parents in the process of upbringing relieve their children of difficulties, then the latter will sit on their necks, and the parents will become Victims. From these considerations follows the rule: do not persecute and do not deliver, and then no one will betray you, and you will not betray anyone.

Many endure bullying, hoping that the traitor will wake up a conscience. But something that does not exist cannot wake up. Conscience is a function of the soul, but a traitor does not have it.

Dante deeply noted that "as soon as the soul committed betrayal … a demon immediately possesses her body, and remains in it, until the time for the flesh is extinguished." Moreover, no traitor realizes that he is a traitor. Usually he explains his action by the interests of the case. Say, he opposes the Teacher not out of a desire to harm him, but because his ideas are already outdated, his activity is a brake on the matter, etc. A traitor, in order to justify the first betrayal, commits the second, third, and so on until infinity, "until the time for the flesh is extinguished."

A few words about the personality of the traitor.

Traitors are active and passive. They are related by the fact that they do not have their own business, they live off creative individuals. Who would have known about Judas if it had not been for Jesus Christ? Thus, the traitor is always secondary. Eugene Onegin can be considered a passive traitor. So, out of boredom, courting Olga, he provokes Lensky to a duel and kills him. An active traitor is Pechorin. He is courting Princess Mary, an inexperienced girl, hiding his romance.

So, if you do not want to become a victim of betrayal, do not lead loyal people, acquire immunity to admiration. Do not deliver, but do not pursue either. How not to become a traitor yourself? After all, betrayal is conscious and unconscious. But the payback is the same in both cases. After all, when Judas realized that he was a traitor, he hanged himself.

Betrayal of a communication partner usually starts with doubt. “Doubt is equal to betrayal,” says Eastern wisdom.

I know one manager who never hires employees who doubt him. And this is absolutely the correct position. After all, if I doubt a person, then, therefore, I see or assume that he has such features that do not suit me. And who cares whether they really are or not, I behave with him as if they are in him, this is a constant source of unnecessary worries and worries. Wouldn't it be better to give up communication right away? I always tell my listeners something like the following: “If you have any doubts whether to go to my lectures or not to go, then don’t go. If you feel good elsewhere, I will be happy for you. But if you feel bad there, your soul will be with me. And then she will bring the body. In light of the above, it is clear that if doubts arise when making vital decisions, it is better to abandon the intention (for example, to build a family with this person).

But if communication has already begun, then you must trust completely and without doubt. Following this rule led to the fact that now I have no enemies in my immediate environment. Someone may argue that I am mistaken. Well, maybe! But this is better than not having enemies, but thinking that they are. After all, if I live with the feeling that I have no enemies, then I feel bad only at the moment when they do something dirty to me, and if I doubt my friends, I always feel bad.

I even learned to use my gullibility. Starting any business with a new partner, I completely trust him. Thus, I make the impression of a simpleton on an unscrupulous person, and he deceives me. But the first thing is always insignificant! So I have formed a "card index" of reliable and unreliable people. And this is already a good capital! In addition, there is an opportunity to cooperate with reliable people in whom I am confident. And if something doesn't work out, then I know that it's all about the circumstances. In general, as Rasul Gamzatov said, "don't blame the horse, blame the road."