WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FORGET THE EX

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Once upon a time, there were ideal, perfect beings. Their perfection was that they were absolutely holistic, or, as psychologists would now say, adults or mature individuals. Once androgynes became proud of their independence, strength and beauty and tried to attack the gods. For this, the gods divided them in two and scattered them throughout the world. And since then, people have been doomed to find their half

We all need love, “to find your soul mate,” as our grandmothers used to say. Love is one of the energies that gives us strength. That is why every person strives to create a family - a small world where harmony and love can reign. For many, this is the main meaning of life. Once meeting that one, we believe that we have found our soul mate. Suddenly, a person whom we did not know before is endowed with us of great importance. We tend to attribute to him even those qualities that he actually does not possess. It becomes perfect.

By what principle do we choose a life partner?

In some ways, he may be like a father or mother, maybe in appearance, some qualities, occupation, behavior. And most importantly, he is somewhat similar to ourselves. We love a part of ourselves in it, we identify ourselves with it. After all, "half" is a part of me. We try to build relationships that we think are ideal. And who said that this person should have the same picture of the world? If his picture of the world is very different from yours, he will resist what is unnatural for him. And deny the qualities attributed to him. Or take advantage of the situation. There are a lot of scenarios. The result is one - people disperse and keep their memories of their former loved ones. Sometimes all my life. The breakup is often very painful for one or both partners. Because the expectations of the ideality of the other, and hence the ideality of oneself, did not come true. Many years later, we remember our first ideal love. Over time, even more positive qualities are attributed to the love object than during the life of the relationship. Or negative, as you are lucky. After all, you can't just take and throw away half of yourself, right ?! It's like cutting off an arm or a leg. Phantom pain.

The situation is especially aggravated in the case of divorces, when there was already a common life, children. People seem to have dispersed, but continue to behave as if they still live together. Claims are made to each other, demands. And here a big question arises - why is it so difficult to forget, to let go of the ex? The question is the maturity of the personality of both partners.

Transactional analysis suggests that there are three ego states in each of us: Parent, Adult, and Child.

• Parent's ego state contains attitudes and behavior adopted from the outside, primarily from parents. Outwardly, they are often expressed in prejudice, critical and caring behavior towards others. Internally, they are experienced as old parental admonitions that continue to influence our inner Child. In relationships, this is expressed in the Parent's investment of excessive custody, the role of a kind of “Mommy” (Daddy), who is sure that the half will disappear without her, die of hunger, freeze, etc. When a break occurs, the attitude "I have the best years for you, and you …" Resentment, grievance, grievance … But no one asked to put the best years on the altar.
• The ego state of the Child contains all the impulses that naturally arise in a child. It also contains a record of early childhood experiences, reactions and attitudes towards self and others. It is expressed as the "old" (archaic) behavior of childhood. A small child is absolutely dependent on his parents (big Others). In this state, a person believes that everyone around him owes something, and especially the former. If the ex-wife is in the role of the Child in relation to the husband, she is completely dependent on him, is not able to lead her life on her own, "cannot live without him." In her understanding, the ex-husband is obliged to support her until the end of her days, even if she herself was the reason for the divorce. And if he refuses, then she may well resort to all sorts of manipulations and tricks to annoy him. "I won't give him life." Why? And therefore. The ex-husband is in the role of the Child if the wife was the Parent in the family relationship. Often such men begin to drink - one addiction (on a significant object) is replaced by another. Indeed, in this state, he is absolutely helpless. "Look how I love you, how bad I am, I am small, have pity on me." The rest of the child's life is devoted to preventing the ex-partner from breathing, instead of building a new relationship like an Adult.
• The ego state of the Adult does not depend on the age of the person. It is focused on the perception of current reality and on obtaining objective information. The adult is organized, well-adjusted, resourceful, and acts by exploring reality, evaluating his options, and calmly calculating options. An adult can be compared to a self-sufficient androgyne who does not need the Other in order to feel his wholeness. A person in an Adult state leaves a relationship once and for all, remembering their ex with a smile. He will not demand unnecessary meetings, sort things out, scandal or manipulate children. He calmly builds new relationships, and often successfully, since past failures do not prevent him from believing in a happy future.

At each moment of time, each of us is in one of these three ego states.

The hardest part is for people who are in the position of a Child or a Parent. Because they get into codependent relationships, when in one way or another they built their lives around another, lived by his interests, his dreams, his, and not their own, life. It is also said about this "put the other in the form of a partial object in himself." That is, in fact, he merged with him, with another, with a loved one. And therefore, when parting, it is unbearably painful to lose part of yourself. Hence, prolonged depression, unwillingness to believe, accept and let go of the current situation. It turns out that physically the object of love has already moved away, gone, but on the psychic level it still lives in the heart, in the soul. And then all the love, all the hatred is poured out on the one who is inside … Unwillingness to live when parting is a desire to kill that part of oneself that was once appropriated. Depression is self-directed aggression.

Of course, the breakup of relations with a beloved partner is painful for everyone. The loss of “your half,” a significant object, is a trauma that needs to be experienced. This is perceived as strongly as the death of a loved one, it is grief. And someone is even worse - anger, envy, a desire for revenge are added to grief. The work of grief (due to the loss of a significant object) must also be successful. For some, this is one of the ways to become an Adult. And it only depends on us what position we will find ourselves in when we get out of the relationship - grumblings, blaming everyone around for their troubles and hardships, infantile children, blaming everyone for their troubles and waiting for someone to resolve our issues, or adults, who will build new relationships and a happy family life.

What can you do to make it easier to get over the loss? How to forget your ex?

This path is not easy, but recommendations, of course, can be given:

1. Accept the fact that he's already gone.
2. Don't try to bring back what has already died. You can't glue a broken cup.
3. Do not torment yourself with thoughts of how and with whom he is there, in another life. Don't ask your friends about him.
4. Find your interests and hobbies. Build your own life.
5. Change the environment. New people = new hobbies = new attitudes.
6. Describe your personal values and priorities. Follow your personal priorities at all times.
7. Understand that the main person in your life is you!

At the same time, of course, one must understand that it is impossible to forget the former. But to remember them with a smile, as something good, is quite. It means forgiving your grievances and thanking them for a good experience. Your negative emotions, irritation, anger, jealousy, envy - only prevent you from living. If you cannot recycle them yourself, contact a specialist.

How do you step out of the Parent or Child position and become an Adult?

1. Take responsibility for yourself. Nobody owes you anything and is not obliged to do anything.
2. Letting others be responsible for themselves. You, too, do not owe anything to anyone and do not owe anything.
3. Learn to give freedom to others. Everyone has the right to their own opinion and their own life.
4. Allow yourself and others to be wrong. There is nothing perfect in this world.
5. With all my heart, wish your exes happiness and focus on your own happy life. You deserve it!