Why Is It Hard To Forgive An Insult?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Resentment arises when, as it seems to us, we were treated unfairly. The concept of justice is perceived exclusively subjectively. And, as a rule, justice most often proceeds from the principle: if I feel good, then it is fair, if it is bad, then it is unfair. Sometimes another component is added. If everyone is good and I feel good, then this is fair. If everyone feels bad and I feel bad too, then perhaps this is also true. That is, justice is assessed in opposition to other people. If everyone has a benefit, and I do not, my family cannot afford it, then it is unfair. If no one has this good, then it is fair

In relationships, perceptions of fairness are linked to expectations. Each of the partners draws in his head a model of the behavior of the other partner, how he should behave: what words to say, what actions to take, what emotions should be felt and what not. A person loads with expectations all the people with whom he somehow encounters in life, with whom he communicates, with whom he builds family relationships, with whom he works, with whom he rests. When people's behavior goes against expectations, resentment arises. Resentment is a painful, painful experience, suffering when a person was treated unfairly, that is, not in accordance with expectations. And even if a person is happy to get rid of this oppressive feeling, he does not always succeed.

Why is it hard to forgive an insult?

1. Desire for punishment, retribution

The offended person thinks that with his offense he is punishing his offender. As long as the offended is angry and indignant, he thinks that it is bad not only for him, but also for the person who offended him. In this case, you can hear "I will not forgive him! Let him now suffer the same way as I do." And in this expectation of his, the offended becomes completely unaware that from a victim he pretends to become a punisher, to turn into an executioner. It is not for nothing that they say: resentment is a poison that you drink in the hope that others will be poisoned.

2. Expectation of redemption, compensation

The offended person expects a special apology, compensation for moral damage. How exactly the offender can deserve redemption, the offended person often does not know himself. But it must be something huge, "to crawl on his knees," "humble himself," "beg for forgiveness." Or compensation should take place in the form of some kind of material compensation, a gift.

3. The illusion of issuing an indulgence

The offended person perceives forgiveness as an indulgence - the release of the offender from punishment. punishment, absolution. A person cannot forgive, because it seems to him that with his forgiveness he admits that the offender had the right to do this, say so. Forgiveness is perceived as a reward for the offender, while the offended one is left with nothing. It would be nice to remember the quote: "Forgiveness is a rather selfish thing. It does better than the one who forgives. But it does not teach the forgiven anything."

4. The illusion of the holy great martyr

The offender is always bad. And who can be offended by a bad person? Well, of course, only a good person. The offense automatically ranks the offended as a saint. After all, they are suffering, tormented, groaning from unbearable pain, but only people who are extremely positive, with a clear soul and a clear conscience, proudly endure this unjust violence. It remains only to bow your head, like Alyonushka by the pond and in a moment a well-deserved reward will follow - the pity of others. The offended are always pitied, and if they do, it means they love. This is the simple logic of the offended.

5. The illusion of power

"All right, now you will dance with me!"

The offense of one person is based and feeds on the feeling of guilt of another. And a guilty person is an obliging person. There is no servant more humble than a repentant sinner. The guilty can be manipulated, controlled, and revel in power. Touchiness is a childish form of manipulative behavior. If I get offended and cry, then my mother will come running and give me a tasty candy, take it in her arms and kiss. This is how a small child, who is already forty-two years old, behaves further.

6. Fleeing guilt

Sandbox Conversation:

- Ay, I will not play with you, you hit me with a spatula, I am offended by you!

- I'm offended by you too!

- And why are you on me?

- For the fact that you are offended at me …

Such a non-trivial children's dialogue is often found in an adult, more complicated version. Resentful offense is a way of protection. Avoiding feeling guilty about your actions. It's so hard to ask for forgiveness, to admit your guilt! It's easier to be offended in response …

Ultimately, resentment always harms only and only the offended. This feeling is a great stress for the body and psyche, so it is necessary to give up all the benefits and illusions of resentment. You don't need to forgive, you need to stop being offended

(C) Anna Maksimova, psychologist