2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
You suddenly stop listening to many hours of complaints about life, do not maintain round-the-clock correspondence, do not rush to a meeting when it is inconvenient for you, stop giving advice or, conversely, follow their advice and accept help from them that you did not ask for, etc. …
When loved ones do not accept the changes that occur to you in the course of therapy, there comes a moment of doubt about the need for the changes themselves.
Along with the expected pleasant changes that occur with clients in the course of therapy, often comes such a depressing at first phenomenon as a discord with family and friends.
They suddenly begin to notice and show you that you do not understand them, do not pay attention to them, forget about them, stop supporting them, etc.
In their eyes, you become an egoist, thinking (unheard of!) Only about yourself.
Inconvenient
You suddenly stop listening to many hours of complaints about life, do not maintain round-the-clock correspondence on social networks, do not rush to a meeting when it is inconvenient for you (and it is inconvenient, if you admit to yourself, it was very often for you), stop giving advice (what is that ?!) or, conversely, follow their advice and accept help from them that you did not ask for, etc.
Simply put, you become uncomfortable for them.
They can be understood. After all, how convenient it is when you are sure that the light will turn on if you press the switch button even by touch! It would never occur to you that the buttons may not be at hand.
So is a friend to whom at any time of the day you can drain the negative without thinking about whether it is appropriate, and whether he has other things to do now.
You will interrupt him without hesitation when he starts talking about himself, because you appointed him as a Rescuer for yourself, and he shouldn't complain about his life.
When he is suddenly not at hand, the Persecutor's anger becomes necessary to bring him back to his place.
In this situation, clients begin to question whether such changes are really helpful, which can lead to quarrels and even a break in the relationship.
At this stage, they suddenly clearly realize that my warnings at the first session about possible changes in their system of relations are not just words, they are natural realities of life.
At that moment, when the client just felt a breath of inner freedom, it suddenly turned out that there are external restraining forces, and these forces are his social connections.
Often friends-Victims appeal that your friendship is many years old, and if the relationship breaks down, then it is you who will bear the burden of guilt for making your friend unhappy.
Of course, this is another trick of the manipulator, seeking to maintain a habitually comfortable relationship in any way.
All of the above applies to relations with relatives.
At the same time, if your loved ones know about your work with a psychologist, a third party often becomes guilty, which greatly facilitates the game inside the classic triangle.
There is, in my opinion, another reason why loved ones are not interested in your changes.
They will have to look at themselves from the outside and start changing something in themselves, in their relationships!
And this is difficult, energy-consuming, maybe even scary.
Therefore, they may not even guess about their own fears, but stubbornly unconsciously defend their position, keeping you in the old framework of behavioral strategies in any way, using a wide variety of emotional hooks and tricks.
Stop and think about what else, besides the feeling of your altruism, you get in this relationship:
- what common interests bind you, - whether there is mutual assistance or it is carried out only in one direction, - are you interested in each other as individuals in general?
What will you lose and gain if the relationship breaks down or persists?
A detailed analysis will help you to look with different eyes at your relationship and be ready for their transformation or breakup.
Or maybe you will have a desire to leave everything as it was, which may also be a completely reasonable decision at a particular point in time.
Most clients note that along with personal restructuring, the environment changes in one way or another: some people begin to change with them, some of them leave their field of vision, while other people appear who turn out to be so close, as if their acquaintance has been for many years …
Sometimes, just looking back, you can make an unambiguous conclusion how beneficial changes in your social connections are for you.
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