Space. I'm About My Father

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I have already written about my disputes with the luminaries of psychology. Here's another myth in our business: the belief that older people have a hard time coping with psychotherapy. That, starting from a certain age, it is already difficult to change something in your life, there is no strength again, at least mentally, to relive those events that at one time were not given enough attention. The nervous system may not be able to withstand …

Therefore, as a rule, the psychologist's question is: "How old are you?" - not idle and not rhetorical, as well as the significant "mmm" if the caller is over sixty-five years old. This is a serious job that requires certain risks.

Until recently, there were no such appeals in my practice either. Except, perhaps, isolated cases when a grandmother came to an appointment about her grandson or granddaughter, or when, working systematically, one should have in mind the age members of the family.

And here's the call:

- Hello, I'm on recommendation! I have already been denied … I am about my father, he is about seventy. What he is going through now looks like depression. He does not want to take pills. He became lethargic, apathetic, indifferent. He is in the ranks: he has his own company, he runs a large representative office of a German company. It hurts me to see my dad in this state. He's so strong! I fiddled with my daughter so much … And now it seems as if he is not with us: he does not leave his office, even rarely gets out to work. But recently he asked himself: “Listen, maybe I should go to a psychologist? Find it! What do you think? And please, I want to pay for these sessions myself. My dad is a man of the old formation. It is difficult for him to give money after sincere conversations, although I understand that this is very serious, and this is work. We will agree with you …

That same evening, Konstantin Georgievich called me. Very nice voice. Introduced himself. And literally his second question sounded like this:

- Will this "garbage" help me? I don't believe in her.

Clarified:

- To psychology.

- Konstantin Georgievich, you called me. Let's try. Come for one consultation. If it seems to you that this "garbage" does not help, we will part with you.

Do you know how important it is for each client to choose the correct tonality of work: sounds, tempo, images … Feel the person in order to speak with him in his language. When I first saw Konstantin Georgievich, I realized how versatile he is. And how difficult it will be to tune in to the right wave in working with him.

He was looking at me too. But, since he came himself, he took the meeting very seriously. He spoke in detail about the feelings he is experiencing, in what state he is and how hard it is for him to live. At the end of the consultation, during which I practically did not utter a word, Konstantin Georgievich said:

“I haven't spoken for so long. And now, trying to systematize my chatter, I suddenly realized what I was doing here. I realized that I want the impossible from you. I do not know what keeps me in this life. I'm tired. I guess I'm exhausted.

And already at the door he suddenly asked:

- And when is the next time? I like it. It is a little annoying that you are not talkative. I would like to chat with you. Or is it so necessary? Why are you silent? Hard case?

- I think…

- About what?

- About how to persuade you to stay … And what language to speak to you …

He came to the next meeting, as always, right on time. He looked thoughtful. He began to talk again. I've heard a lot about his rich and interesting life. My client was one of the first conquerors of the Arctic. Received a good technical education, defended two dissertations. The feeling of something very close, dear did not leave me. I had the impression that I was listening, feeling something familiar - it even touched his gaze and intonations. I was still picking the tonality …

- You are one of the most reticent people I have ever met.

- Is it so annoying, Konstantin Georgievich?

- No. My verbosity strains me. Maybe you can teach me such a calm silence? And such a presence in my stories? You are listening to me very attentively, I see.

We have scheduled another consultation.

That day, making my way through traffic jams, on the way home, I thought for a long time: “What is this? Where does this nagging sadness come from? Such a thrill and fear to come closer? " Until I realized that Konstantin Georgievich reminds me of my father. His wisdom, education, fascinating biography, subtle humor, kindness and peculiar, inherent only to him tenderness. Also - the ability to present yourself. When Konstantin Georgievich entered the building of our center, even the guards stood up in front of him, and then whispered to me: "What kind of important person comes to you?"

I realized what worried me. I understood why it is difficult for me. Before leaving, my dad was also silent. And I could not offer him my help, knowing that he wanted to remain a father to me. A strong father.

At the next meeting, I explained to Konstantin Georgievich the reason for my silence. She said that the obsession did not leave me: as if I was talking with someone who reminds me, if not of my father, then of someone from his inner circle. Their stories of formation, education, their attitude to life and everything else are so similar. And if I could not help my father, then, in any case, I know how to listen to Konstantin Georgievich and how to talk to him.

- Let's go then! I'll tell you about my brother …

From that day on, Konstantin Georgievich began to contact me on you. This did not bother me at all. Finally, the very field that has become healing for both of us has begun to emerge.

Konstantin Georgievich had an older brother who gave him so much that the words "love", "adoration", "admiration" did not explain even a small fraction of the feelings that he felt for him.

- It is difficult to express it in human language, perhaps only one word will do - "space". I cannot imagine my life without my brother … and without my grandmother.

The brother of Konstantin Georgievich was talented in everything. In writing, in music, in invention. But two years before his death, he was struck by depression. He retired from everyone, locked himself in his apartment and turned off. Nothing helped. No doctor, no persuasion. Konstantin Georgievich did not imagine that it could end badly. He was all in work, on trips, in sports, in helping his daughter and raising his granddaughter, in “conquering the world” (as he put it himself). And suddenly my brother was gone:

- You see, my world has collapsed. I looked around, but did not recognize anyone or anything. I was worried for a long time. Then he slowly recovered. Now only I understood what he felt then. This hopeless emptiness … Which is now in me …

- And your wife, Konstantin Georgievich?

- I love her. We've been together for so long that she has become a part of me. I don't know where I end and it begins. I can see how much it hurts. I can see how she is worried. You know, she's perfect! I was very lucky. She is a good wife, a good mother, a good grandmother. But I am killing her with my condition. Now I don't feel it …

- Konstantin Georgievich, maybe you will fall in love?

- Well, what are you talking about, Nana!

- You are a prominent man. And if you shave, in general you will be irresistible!

- Lord, well, I chose a psychologist for myself!

But the next lesson came clean-shaven and in a white shirt. He said that he had dreams, not heavy, oppressive, as before, but calm. He does not remember them, but wakes up at peace.

- Konstantin Georgievich, tell us about your grandmother.

- And what about grandma? Grandma is the heart, the soul of our family. How can you tell about it? Although, you know, I'll tell you something. My grandmother had two sons. My father is the youngest. In her twenties, she married a wealthy businessman. He was much older than her, so her grandmother's family was against her choice. Because of this, they broke off relations with her, maybe there was something else, I don't know … She gave birth to two sons. And in the late thirties, my husband was taken away at night. What happened to him later, no one knows, most likely - 58th … There were rumors that his grandmother's family reported on him, dad told us.

You know, I think about one inexplicable thing all the time. After her husband was taken away, the grandmother sent her boys to an orphanage. I can't figure out why. Imagine, they fled from there, wandered for several years. And in the war they found their mother in evacuation. I don’t understand why she passed them …

- She saved them … She saved them.

Long silence until the end of the session. Silence and tears of Konstantin Georgievich.

At the next consultation:

- You are smart! I'm a fool. How could I not understand this? Why didn't I understand this? After all, my dad adored her! You know, he learned to be a soldier and in all garrisons, in all places of his service we wandered with my grandmother. You have no idea how much love she gave me and my brother. And one song … Lullaby, she sang it in French … I just can't remember the words! No way. And I can't forget her. Wow, because my grandmother left when she was younger than me. Nana, I miss you. I miss my grandmother, I can't live without my brother. I want to see them.

- You also have your favorites here.

- Yes, Yulka. Daughter. She is good. With men just unlucky. I do not press. She's doing it. I don't even know if I should talk to her about it or not. Tell me, did your father tell you that he loves you? Did he say he was proud of you?

- No.

- Why?

- I knew this. He didn't have to talk about it.

- Do you think my Julia knows that I love her? I wish she knew too …

- Konstantin Georgievich, tell us about your granddaughter.

- This is my happiness. You know how good it is with her! Was good. I don’t get it right now. And before that I walked with my child, rolled it on roller skates, on a skateboard - I'm cool, once I even jumped with a parachute! He promised when he grows up - and I will teach her. Now she's probably disappointed in me. I haven't talked to her for over a year.

- She's just waiting.

- Well, tell me: I'll call her - and what will I say? "Your crazy grandfather showed up"?

- She will tell you everything herself. You just need to call. The girl is waiting.

- Yes, Nana, listen, I bought a ticket here for my wife. To go to rest.

- Do you want to go with her yourself?

- No, well, you're stupid! Can you hear what I'm telling you? A person needs to rest FROM ME.

- Well, you explain, I will understand …

We started talking about the work of Georgy Konstantinovich. About the people he led. I said that his inaction makes them feel frustrated and cheated.

- Listen, I pay them their salary! He put the boy over them, he was running around there, fussing about something …

- When you started this business with a software product, as you say, exclusive, these people did not follow the boy, but you.

- Well, speak, speak, how bad I am … I leave people …

- You can fix everything.

After some time, Konstantin Georgievich said that he had called his granddaughter. They went somewhere together. We had a very good time and talked. The girl told him:

- Grandfather, don't leave me anymore, okay? I feel bad without you. You are space for me! I can't live without you. Grandfather, you will recover, won't you?

He came agitated, confused, confused - but different. Alive! He said that he felt better, that he had the strength to live and do something else in this life.

We began to say goodbye to him quietly. He left almost "in English", saying:

- Remember, you talked about tonality. I'll tell you what I felt here with you: solicitude. You helped me pack my memories carefully. Only with you did I recognize my grandmother, all her longing and pain. All the time I think that my brother could also be helped … And you know, it's amazing, but your "garbage" works!

Later, the daughter of Georgy Konstantinovich came to me to pay for the sessions. A wonderful, intelligent, kind, intelligent woman. She asked me:

- You worked with my father. I understand, of course, that this is confidential. But do I have to know something? Or be ready for something?

- Yes. Must. He loves you very much and is proud of you.

- I know it.