CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER! THE ROLE OF THE FATHER IN THE FATE OF A WOMAN

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Femininity, self-worth, boldness, a feeling of "right" in a girl arise under the caring gaze of her father. A look filled with paternal tenderness and love, devoid of "shadows", contributes to the formation of the psychological well-being of a future adult woman. “Mother is a home, nature, soil, ocean; the father, in fact, does not represent the natural principle,”wrote E. Fromm. Not being associated with the natural principle, the father represents the other pole of human existence: the world of thought, man-made objects, law and order, discipline, travel and adventure. The father teaches and shows his daughter the way to the world.

As a girl grows up, her emotional and spiritual development largely depends on her relationship to her father. For the normal development of the girl, psychoanalysts insist, the girl's libidinal interest in her father is important, the development of which is possible only if the father is involved in a relationship with her. This contributes to the process of separating the girl from her mother and finding her own identity. The role of the father increases rapidly during the separation-individuation stage (at the age of 2-3 years) and becomes extremely important in the oedipal phase. The father plays an important role in setting boundaries: the boundaries of his own identity, the boundaries between genders and generations. The father is the bearer of the Law, he has the function of prohibition, control and order.

For the normal development of femininity, the father must be emotionally available. The preoedipal relationship with the mother, as with the main object of love and identification, is transformed. The girl is separated from her mother. The father, fulfilling his function, invites the girl to leave the heavenly tabernacles and be impressed by the beauty of the world, to see her possibilities in it. The father is the child's guide to the world. He gives the girl an idea of social rules and laws (including sex-role behavior).

The father is the first male figure in the girl's life, on the basis of which she for the first time forms a model of attitude towards her inner masculinity, and, ultimately, towards real men. Since the father is the Other, i.e. different from both her and her mother, he also shapes her otherness, uniqueness and individuality.

The paternal attitude towards the femininity of the daughter determines how a woman will be formed from her. One of the many roles of a father is to help his daughter make the transition from a safe motherly home to the outside world so as to integrate with the outside world, to cope with the conflicts that it generates.

The father's attitude to work and success will shape the girl's attitude to work and success. If the father is a failure and is experiencing anxiety himself, then the daughter is likely to assimilate his pattern of shyness and fear.

Traditionally, the father defines the ideals for his daughter. The father creates a model of authority, responsibility, decision-making ability, objectivity, order and law. When a girl becomes an adult, the father steps back so that she can interiorize these ideals and actualize them within herself. If his own attitude towards these aspects of life turns out to be either too rigid or too soft, it will affect his daughter's attitude towards these aspects of life.

Some fathers, indulging their desires and whims, cannot set boundaries for themselves, do not feel their inner authority, and become the “wrong” model of behavior for their daughters. Such men often remain “forever young”. They can be romantic, avoidant of real-life conflict, and incapable of taking responsibility. Such fathers strive to stay in the space of possibilities, avoid reality and live a kind of conditional life. Very typical examples of such men can be found among addicted people who are forever attached to the object of their addiction. These are "Don Juans" running from one skirt to another, "little sons" obediently creeping before powerful wives, "daddies" seducing their own daughters.

The daughters of such “eternally young” fathers do not have before their eyes the necessary model of self-discipline, determination of boundaries and, becoming adults, often do not feel safe, suffer from self-doubt, anxiety, frigidity and, in general, from a feeling of weakness of the ego. In addition, if the father was downright weak, it is likely that the daughter will be ashamed of him. And if the daughter was ashamed of her father, then it is likely that she will transfer this feeling of shame to herself. Under such circumstances, the girl creates the image of an ideal man and father, and her whole life becomes a search for this ideal. In this quest, she can become attached to the ideal man who exists only in her imagination.

It is likely that the lack of commitment she experienced in her relationship with her father will give rise to a lack of faith in men, which can extend to the entire spiritual realm, that is, in the language of metaphor, to “God the Father”. At the deepest level, she suffers from an unresolved religious problem, for her father did not create a sphere of spirit for her. Anais Nin, known for her erotic novels and keeping a sensual diary, which an eleven-year-old girl began to keep for her father, said of this: “I did not have a spiritual mentor. My father? "In my eyes, he seems to me to be my age." I remember Madeleine Murray O'Hare, the founder of the atheist movement in the United States, who once tried to kill her father with a kitchen knife, shouting, “I'll see you dead! I'll get to you! I will walk over your grave!"

Other fathers lean towards rigidity. Tough, emotionally cold, indifferent, they enslave their daughters with an authoritarian attitude. Often these men are deprived of living vital energy, cut off from their inner femininity and sensual sphere. For them, obedience, duty and rationality are at the forefront. Such fathers insist that their daughters share these values. For them, control and correct behavior are priority, spontaneity is alien to them, and they are closed to creativity and feelings.

The negative side of relationships is that they often suppress "feminine" qualities. Some examples of such fathers are: “patriarchs” who control all material resources and thus suppress their wives and daughters; Lawyers who create rules and order them to be followed; Housebuilders who demand that their daughters fulfill their intended feminine roles; "Heroes" who do not recognize the slightest weakness or any difference from others.

The daughters of such fathers often find themselves completely disconnected from their feminine instincts, as their fathers could not recognize their femininity. Since such women have experienced rude treatment from their father, they are more likely to treat themselves or others the same way. If they start to rebel, then something ruthless often manifests itself in this rebellion.

Some daughters fully accept authoritarian rules, and then they forever refuse to live their own lives. Others, although they may rebel, remain under the control of the father and act with an eye on him. Daughters of both overly domineering and overly soft fathers most often do not develop healthy relationships with men and have difficulties in manifesting creative spirituality.

These are two extreme tendencies that can exist in the relationship between father and daughter. But the attitude of most of the fathers is a combination of these two tendencies. And even if the father manifests in life only one of these extremes, he plays out the other tendency unconsciously. Thus, a rigidly authoritarian father may suddenly experience an uncontrollable explosion of emotions, which poses a threat to their own established order, violates the sense of security and gives rise to a feeling of horror in their daughters. Since such fathers deliberately do not recognize their emotionality, but from time to time, violent emotions overwhelm them, then children who observe the manifestation of these emotions become more and more frightened. It happens that sexual overtones increase in the spectrum of emotions - for example, when a father applies physical punishment to his daughter in such a way that she feels a threat from him on a sexual level. Thus, although the father's rational behavior is dictated by his parental duty and at a conscious level he may not cross the existing line, such overtones can sound against the background of immature youthful impulses that break through unconsciously.

The "seducing father" eroticizes the relationship with his daughter and, even if the sexual impulses do not turn into action, this very unconscious attitude binds the girl with the inviolable bonds of an unspoken, inappropriate secret that can poison her whole life.

It is likely that fathers who indulge their daughters are also not devoid of the contemptuous cynicism of the harsh judge hidden in the unconscious. Such a father may unexpectedly condemn his daughter for the same impulsive manifestations that he does not like in himself.

Many women who have achieved great social success have inherited the father's directive "Go ahead, do not give up, and everything will work out for you", "Risk is a noble cause." Such fathers did not discount femininity, but taught their daughters fearlessness. And the girls grew up and achieved success in their careers, because they knew how to play by the rules of men, while not forgetting that they are women.

It is quite another matter when a father tries to deny the sex of the child and raise a boy from a girl. After all, even today many fathers would like to have an heir son. Such fathers can "cut off" the girl from the female world, bringing up masculine traits in her. As adults, these girls continue to be "daughters of their father", defending the world of masculine values to the detriment of the feminine principle. Often such women live only by their “head”, being cut off from their bodies. As a rule, the feeling of romanticism, eroticism and coquetry is alien to these women.

Other fathers, disappointed with the sex of their newborn child, convinced that “The chicken is not a bird, the woman is not a man”, form in the girl such ideas that one should live without sticking out and not show his mind in any way. Some parents generally believe that the mind for a woman is God's punishment, and it is wise to hide it, otherwise the woman will be lonely and great sorrows. Such girls are taught not to take risks, to always be neat, quiet and moderate, pulling the phrase: "You are a girl!". In such conditions, even good inclinations atrophy as unnecessary. Many conservative fathers seriously divide classes into purely male and purely female. Such fathers do not allow their daughters to come near them while doing what they love and thereby erect an impenetrable wall between themselves and their daughter. Such a father is not interested in what his daughter likes to do.

In "gray mice" fathers are often despotic and mistreated in childhood. The needs of their daughters were ignored by such fathers, and any manifestations of individuality were suppressed. Such women, becoming adults, find it difficult to endure situations in which they need to show their "character". They almost never get involved in romantic relationships, they cannot stand intrigues, since they do not know how to act in these areas at all.

In some cases, both the girl and her mother will be better off if the father does not live with them. But regardless of whether the girl had a father (whether she saw him, whether she remembers), she always has the image of a father figure. And even with the physical absence of the father (divorce, death), the father is still present in the family in the form of an "image", a certain symbol or myth. And it is better if this myth carries positive connotations. However, a myth must exist, the absence of a myth affects psychological well-being even worse than a “bad” myth.

A “good enough father,” who simply loves his daughter without introducing her psychological problems into the relationship, helps her to become a self-sufficient woman who can feel confident and comfortable.

Literature: 1. Leonard Linda S. Emotional female trauma: Healing childhood trauma suffered by a daughter in

relationship with father

2. Schaller J. Losing and finding a father

3. Freud Z. A family romance of neurotics

4. Fromm E. The Art of Love