Become Your Own Mom

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

If we briefly describe what a mature person is, then this is a person who has become a mother to herself. Ideally, dad too. But as a mom, it is a must.

Growing up, like learning, and upbringing, and any personal formation, can be completely reduced to such a phenomenon as interiorization. The term was created by Pierre Janet, a brilliant psychiatrist, neuropathologist and psychologist.

This scary word means "getting inside." Pumping any resources is putting part of them inside.

The creation of a personal core is also interiorization. Now I will try to explain in a simpler way how this happens, so that everyone will roughly understand how a personality is formed.

For a child (and an adult child, that is, an infantile, too) the law is external. He has desires and needs dictated by the search for comfort (not peace, namely comfort, because boredom is also a discomfort, and for a child it is very relevant, so he can break "to freedom"), and from the outside world, one can " it is impossible ", which he does not understand at first, but he obeys, because on the side of the external world is the force, the personification of which is the parents.

Are you familiar with the idea of "society puts pressure on the individual?" So, this is the idea of an infantile personality state. Such a person can really have a conflict between "want" and "must", and this "must" is external, violent, she does not feel this "must" herself, she simply agrees so as not to suffer damage from the side of force. If the fear is not too strong, such a person will try to oppose the "must", to rebel, if stronger, will deceive the "overseers", if completely strong, will agree, but feel depressed. That is why raising children too harshly cripples them. Until the child himself feels the need to "must", a balance must be sought between gentle pressure on him and giving him freedom.

Korney Chukovsky said: "Don't appeal to the conscience of a five-year-old child, he doesn't have it yet." This does not mean that the child should be allowed to do whatever he wants. Thus, he will quickly ditch himself. The parents replace the child's conscience, they guide and coerce him. This compulsion is inevitable, the child has not yet formed a center of self-control, but this compulsion should be gentle, and gradually leave the child more and more space for his own will. Even if the child cannot yet bear responsibility, he must have this space in order to develop responsibility. But at the same time, since he is not yet responsible, parents should be ready to intervene at any time and take responsibility.

It is similar to learning how to ride a bicycle. You can't hold a child's bike tightly all the time. You must first hold, then let go a little, then completely let go, but insure, and then remove the insurance. When the insurance was removed altogether, the personality grew.

But back to morality. Morality is a semi-internalized law. If an infantile person does not understand why she should and feels that society is constantly raping and suppressing her, and she would like an eternal holiday of disobedience, if she could do nothing and take whatever she wants, then a half-mature person already realizes the need for yourself the law. She can still feel some contradictions between "want" and "must", she can feel the pressure of morality, but now this is an internal pressure: a sense of duty, a sense of guilt. Pressure can be unpleasant, and a semi-mature person can look for ways to get rid of, sometimes rebel against their own moral attitudes, separate themselves from the crowd for which morality is needed, that is, say something like "yes, all this is relevant for the herd, but I am not it ", to accuse parents who" instilled slave principles ", that is, morality is still something imposed, even if it has already penetrated inside. But this is still something alien, although sometimes a person can feel it as true, but all the time trying to somehow adapt for himself, reducing, throwing off a part.

A mature person is distinguished by the fact that the law has become internal to her. It may differ in some way from generally accepted norms, but it does not seriously contradict them, otherwise such a person would be disintegrated and would not be able to receive energy from resources that (recall) are all social. That is, the morality of a mature person is never a dogma, dogma is by definition something external, dogma is not even morality, it is an attempt to make an external law moral. Morality is always flexible, since a person must act according to his own feeling and personal choice, focusing on the whole specific situation, and not on some template that he received from the outside. That is, morality is something that a person follows consciously, quite freely (in terms of "freedom is a conscious need" but realized by him, and not by someone for him) and bears responsibility for this. He himself makes a decision, he himself observes the consequences, he himself concludes whether he acted correctly, so that next time he has an even more idea of how he personally needs to act. That is, it becomes a full-fledged parent. Occupies the throne of the super-ego, according to Freud's concept, replaces the internal parent figure, that is, matures.

And this personal choice of a mature person does not contradict the social one. He can contradict someone's specific interests, create a conflict between him and someone, a conflict that he will have to solve. But this is never opposing oneself to society in general. This is not a "holiday of disobedience" of a child who wants to eat only sweets, not realizing that he will get sick from this. There is not a single social norm that would not be justified by something. Even if the norm has disadvantages, it usually has more advantages. For himself personally, a mature person may consider some norms irrelevant, but she will still treat them with understanding, and there will never be a violent rebellion. Only those who do not understand what adaptation is and that no part of a living system is superfluous, that is, it is always connected with others, rebel fiercely. Such people can hate themselves for some kind of flaw and strive to get rid of it sharply, not realizing that their entire body is already adapted to this “flaw”, rebuilt around it, and it is impossible to pull a brick out of the foundation without destroying the house. Everything can be rebuilt only sequentially and gradually, in a living system everything is appropriate and everything plays its important role.

In a word, a mature person always has a morality that harmoniously combines his personal needs and the interests of society, without serious contradictions, without creating internal conflicts, opening up an opportunity for self-realization. Most often, the problem of demotivation (loss of the meaning of life) is associated with the fact that a person, for some reason, feels himself torn out of society, is not integrated into society, does not see it as a field for self-expression.

But the task of "becoming a mother to yourself" concerns not only the interiorization of the law. Morality is the crown of formation, which will not exist if there are no life skills. To become an adult and strong, a person must become independent, but this in no way means that he must become “self-sufficient” in the wrong understanding, which means separation from society. On the contrary, independence is an active and productive integration into society, that is, the creation of strong mutual ties (this is the meaning of resources).

Separation from society is always based on reducing the needs for it, that is, frustration in different areas. If a woman decides to separate from men, she forces herself to stop being interested in the topic of love, sex, image, family (how does she? Scaring her imagination with pictures of possible suffering, violence, disappointment, damage, until these resources are blocked from disgust and fear altogether). Such a woman turned off half a circle of resources, and even had to limit herself in other areas, because resources intersect, and friends can begin to discuss topics that are unpleasant to her, causing frustration for friendship too (you have to look for a narrow circle of friends like her), and in art, unpleasant her themes (therefore, literature and other art seems to her to be violent, and she wants to create her own, from scratch) and the economy is closely connected with this, and at work no, no, and the themes of sex, family and image will arise. Thus, the separation begins to spread to all spheres, and makes this woman in the end very marginal, limited from all sides in her capabilities, separated not only from men in her personal life, but also from people in society (after all, in society, half a man, and half are women, most of whom are associated with men).

The situation is even worse with men who decided to become independent from society, having begun to despise the "predatory grin of capitalism" and stopped working. All other resources will gradually begin to turn off. Even those people who are trying to simply break ties with their families or simply leave for another country are experiencing crises. Until they create a new family for themselves, a circle of close people connected not only by interests, as friends, but also by everyday life, by a sense of physical kinship, they can feel their isolation. It is also very difficult to integrate into a new country, many emigrants do not succeed to the end, they remain hanging between the spaces. In a word, breaking ties does not contribute to independence, it is sometimes necessary when ties are very destructive, but these ties must be replaced by others. If there are too few connections, there will be no independence either, since there will be nothing to stand on, the strength of the legs will have nowhere to come from.

Therefore, "becoming a mother to yourself" means developing more social skills to meet your needs. But here it turns out that a certain amount of separation is still necessary for the development of skills. It is important that this is just a fraction, and that the general trend is to connect with people, and not to abandon the connection. A simple example is everyday life. If a person wants to be absolutely independent in everyday life, he must live alone, but this is a rupture of ties: the absence of family and love, and to some extent friendship. But if a person tries to establish a life with another person (it does not matter, with a spouse, with a relative, with a friend in a hostel) without having the skills to serve themselves on their own (the same share of separation), they will run away from him.

Normal communication is the ability to satisfy your basic needs on your own, but the willingness to cooperate for better satisfaction and development. This applies to connections with any resources (!). There should be a minimum of separation from the resource (there should be no hunger, complete dependence, thirst), but the tendency should not be towards separation, but towards maximum interaction (interest, love, attraction to the resource).

An immature personality constantly gravitates to one or the other extreme. These are the people who say “I don’t know how to cook, I can’t deal with everyday life, and if I could, I would not marry,” or “I don’t earn money, but if I did, I wouldn’t need a husband.” These people perceive the connection (it does not matter, with a resource in general or with a specific person in the sphere of this resource) as their complete dependence on it. But as a rule, such dependent people are very burdensome for others. It is an illusion that, completely not knowing how to take care of himself in everyday life, a person can reward another with something so important that he who knows how to take care of himself and about another, could not receive. He will burden him with such an amount of his own everyday helplessness that the second will seriously think about whether he needs a part of his salary (as a rule, small, infantiles very rarely earn a lot). And vice versa, if a woman does not know how and does not want to work (not just temporarily on maternity leave, but generally avoids any work, in principle), it is very doubtful that she will be an excellent hardworking hostess (such people are not afraid of work), which means the second will consider that gives more than it receives.

That is, a minimum of independence: in everyday life, financially, and emotionally (to cope with their emotions), a person should have if he wants to be a good partner to another. The minimum does not mean separation, on the contrary, it makes the connection comfortable, does not overburden the second one excessively, and allows this connection to be developed. That is, the wife can take on most of the household chores if she wants, but if she suddenly gets sick or does something else, the husband can calmly do his own life. The husband can provide the budget, but if suddenly he has difficulties or the need for large spending, the wife can earn money. When both partners are able to provide themselves with a minimum in everything, they become each other more reliable support, they can interact at a deeper level, because none of them feels in the other a parasite (infantile) that has stuck to him, but could have stuck to anyone to another, because almost anyone could satisfy this simple need of his. The wife should not feel that her husband is holding her by the household nanny, and the husband should not believe that he is being used as the only material support.

I am specifically considering the traditional layout, because it is still the most relevant. But even in him there can and should be a balance, and both must be mature enough people. If one feels that he is becoming another mother, it does not matter emotionally (forced all the time to console, praise, support, listen, unilaterally) whether it is material (forced to contain and listen to wishes, what else would I like to have and what) in everyday life (forced clean up after another, fully serve, take care, always unilaterally) the second one feels like a load that you want to gradually get rid of.

Friends, colleagues, bosses, relatives feel the same, and a vacuum gradually forms around the infantile personality. No one wants to become a mother to an adult child, no one is interested in it, only some scammer can be interested in them, if he has something to take. Sometimes another infantile is interested in one infantile, but the first one either does not like this idea, because he is looking for a mother for himself, or he agrees, but they very quickly make each other's life unbearable.

Illustrations: artist Mark Demsteader