Too Much Love Mama

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What is "motherly love"

I started writing this text a long time ago. In the head. At night. After sessions with clients. After groups of family scenarios. After casual memories of casual conversations

I am aware that I will "encroach on the holy" - motherly love, which is "sung and fanned."

At the same time, I know from my own professional and personal experience: when the moment comes, and someone calls by their proper names what is unpleasant, scary, unbearably painful and difficult, it becomes easier for everyone.

Therefore, I will try to call by their proper names what in our culture is called "mother's love"

As soon as we say the word “domestic violence”, “violence against children,” we come across terrible images of beating, physical harm, rape, punishment and other equally cruel treatment of children. Even callousness, indifference and ignorance of the child are not included in this series. This is often called the strange word "dislike".

But there is another violence, which outwardly has all the signs of a kind, sensitive and sincere attitude. Which is often called "motherly love" and "care." Which is glorified by the culture as a “mother's selfless heart”. And it is precisely this that is the most severe violence, from which there is practically no chance to get rid of.

If you, while reading this text, suddenly remember that you were often punished, beaten, humiliated in childhood, say from the bottom of your heart: "I was lucky." Yes, you're in luck, even though it sounds horrible and paradoxical.

After all, a child who was beaten and tortured has an obvious right to say: “You will never do this to me again. You dare not do that to me.” And over time, stop feeling guilty about this. Because in the blows and the physical pain inflicted, it is definitely impossible to discern love. No matter how you look. And it is easier for such a child to face the truth directly and admit: “my parents (mom or dad) didn’t love me”

Those who fall prey to “soft violence” disguised as “love” have no right to protest. After all, how can you protest against love? Against motherly love? And try to recognize that under the mass of emotions, worries and pains in the heart, under constant anxiety and anxiety, under the refusal to accept help “what I already need” and under the mass of other actions and words is not love at all, but control and power.

For all people who have lived and are living in the field of such violence, the suspicion that “something is wrong in this play” breaks into a lot of stereotypes: “all mothers are like that, for them children are their life”, “here if you have your own children, then you will find out”,“whatever the mother does, everything is fine, she’s a mother”,“you need to forgive and not hold offense”,“it is not known how you will behave when…”.

There is no escape from this web and no escape. After all, we are dealing with the shadow side of the eternal archetype of the Great Mother, which, in contrast to the bright side of it, which gives life and happiness, mortifies and imposes witchcraft. And we can find this shadow in almost any family. Because in our culture, violence disguised as love is elevated to the rank of the highest value, is considered good and right, and is not regarded as evil.

Millions of people live in this paradox. Most of them believe that this is normal, that this is life, and they behave in the same way with their children.

Some people vaguely sense that something is wrong, but do not find ways to somehow articulate and express it.

And only a few people realize that they have been living in a field of violence for many years. But even they rarely find adequate strategies for responding to it.

How to recognize violence masquerading as motherly love

I have tried to collect here the most striking patterns of behavior, words and phrases, actions and deeds that are signs of soft violence, And do not be misled by the word “soft”. It does not mean that such violence is less damaging. More often than not, everything happens exactly the opposite.

“Soft violence” dulls the instinct of self-preservation and self-care, educates dependent and influenced people, the most common emotion of which is fear - repressed, unconscious, guilt-packed fear.

In addition, I deliberately focused solely on the behavior and actions of mothers. It is they who are more prone to “soft” violence, and more often resort to it than to open and explicit violence. Moreover, the manifestation of “soft violence” in the repertoire of mothers is so common in our culture that it is considered normal and natural maternal behavior.

For 20 years of my practice, there was not a single group (think about it, not a single one!), In which at least a few people did not voice the actions and deeds of their mothers, which fully fit into the template of “soft violence”.

Most of my clients have had the experience of dealing with their mothers completely falling into this pattern.

Perhaps you will recognize yourself and your mother in this text. You may experience feelings that are familiar to you. Perhaps you will be covered with a wave of horror and despair. Maybe. That being said, it is always best to be aware. After all, awareness gives the same “cubic millimeter of chance” for freedom.

So, the manifestations of "soft maternal violence"

In the future, the word "child" I use not so much as a designation of age, but rather a status in relation to the mother (at 5, and at 20, and at 40 we are children in relation to our parents)

You are my joy

Transferring responsibility for your emotions and states to the child

In psychological and near-psychological circles, the negative side of this process is often discussed. This is when my mother says: “you upset me”, “you ruined my mood”, “don't you understand that you are hurting me”.

Or they don't speak, but with their whole appearance they show how something bad happened to the child because of the child: they sigh, cry, clutch at the heart, call an ambulance, etc. Yes, this is the transfer of responsibility to the child for his emotions and states.

But there is also another side of the transfer of responsibility for your feelings and states. When “you are my light in the window”, “you call, and the heart is light”, “if it were not for you, I would not know how I lived”, “I only live by waiting for you when you arrive”, “only you keep me in this world”. And this side is even worse than the previous one. After all, the child is praised! He is told that he is good. But only with an additional meaning: mom can't live without him.

More often than not, both of these sides go hand in hand. And the child is gradually taught that all the well-being and state of the mother is the result of his actions or inaction. That his every step, word, silence, deed, call will affect his mother and cause her something: either pain or joy. No, not even joy, but at least some opportunity to live. And it becomes so habitual that the world is not thought of as different. There is no place in it for the understanding that a mother is an adult who is himself responsible for his own well-being.

How do children feel when they have been given such an overwhelming burden? Since childhood, they have been laden with anxiety and fear about how everything they do will affect their mother. Years go by, and anxiety becomes background and habitual. You can still not call mom for a day. Two - there is already tension. Three or four - and it's already scary to call. Because there, at the other end of the tube, there will be a sad voice, sighs, reproaches "you have completely forgotten about me …"

And a dense, thick, inescapable feeling of guilt for anything (for “a lot of work”, for “having fun with my friends”, for “flew to Prague with my beloved”, for “tired and forgotten” ….) Becomes a constant companion, a gray background of changing pictures of life.

What does this lead to.

To constant control of yourself. To the inability to relax. To the ban on the joy of life and carelessness. To the exorbitant inflating of pride (“the life of a person completely depends on me”). To broadcast the same to your children.

I do not need anything. Everything for you

Refusal to help and from any action that could improve the situation or well-being of the mother

“I live for you” is a phrase that millions of children have heard from their mothers. And in our culture, this is considered a feat of the mother.

In every way, mothers try to show that everything they do is for the children. They believe that it is good and right. And that maternal love is a sacrifice in the first place.

“I left my favorite job because you needed to be transferred to another school”, “I didn’t sleep at night because of part-time jobs because you wanted new jeans”, “I didn’t get married because I didn’t want to injure the children”, “I didn’t get divorced with my husband, because children need a father.”

An endless series of sacrifices and hardships “because of you” that sounds without reproach. No, mom does not blame or reproach. Mom demonstrates that her whole life is serving the child. It doesn't matter how old the child is - 2 or 48.

“No, I will not take money from you. It's hard for you anyway,”says mom, despite the fact that her daughter has a successful business. “No, I’m not going to Paris, you’ll embarrass yourself with me,” my mother says to her daughter, who bought a tour for her mother’s birthday. “No, I don’t need a homemaker, why are you going to spend money,” a mother says to her daughter, whose weekly income is thirty times that of a homemaker.

The number of mothers' victims is so great that there is no chance of compensating them. And even attempts to do something for the mother are rejected and not accepted.

Some mothers refuse doctors "No, I don't need this, I will tolerate." Refuse from nurses “No, I cannot be with someone else's woman. Better yourself. " Even if it is fraught with a real threat to their life and health. And at the same time, with a heartache in their voice, they say to their children: "Why don't you call … Now I will die, but you will not know."

How do children feel when they are constantly told that everything is for their sake? They live in an eternal, unpaid debt. Without a chance to get him back. With no hope of redemption.

Do you think that they feel this duty only to their mothers? No, they feel this duty to the whole world. They constantly feel that they owe something to someone - money, love, attention, time … They feel that they are constantly missing something - children, loved ones, friends, company … They are eternal debtors. Because their life is borrowed life. Loan from mom who won't take her back.

What does this lead to.

To deny yourself, to ignore your needs. To a severe distortion in exchange - they tend to give in a relationship, but are not ready to receive. After all, if accepted, it will further increase their unpaid debt.

"You can never say anything!" “If you don’t do it, I will feel bad”

Denying the legitimacy of the child's feelings and boundaries

"Why are you angry, you can't say anything …". This phrase, pronounced in an offended tone, is traditional for mothers who use mild violence. Until the climax, when she sounds, usually the mother says something unpleasant, offending, controlling in relation to the child. He says even after the child asks not to do this. At some point, the child's patience ends, and he sharply responds to the mother. Then the mother takes offense and utters a sacramental phrase, after which she can demonstrate resentment and bitterness for a long time.

Children raised in an atmosphere of mild violence will immediately recognize this dialogue. Mom says: "Put on a jacket, the room is cold, I am cold." "" I'm fine, everything is ok, "- the child replies. “Don't you understand that it's cold. My shoulders are freezing. Put on your jacket quickly. " "Mom, it's okay, I'm not cold." "Put on your jacket, I'm worried about you !!" "Damn it, I said I was not cold !!!" “Well, don’t tell you anything,” Mom takes offense.

This dialogue is so formulaic that most people will not see anything special in it. They will not see total control and violence in every mother's phrase. And at the end - an inverted offense - the offense that the aggressor demonstrates in relation to the victim.

This colossal scheme tells the child only one thing: what you feel does not matter. Your feelings don't matter. Your needs and opinions don't matter. Such mothers constantly broadcast: “I know better what you need, what is good for you, what is useful for you”

“Eat the soup, I tried so hard for you,” my mother says with tears in her eyes. And an adult “child”, hiding disgust, pushes into himself a soup that he hates.

“Take the apples, I carried them from the dacha for 2 kilometers,” my mother sighs. And the daughter, hiding and stifling her irritation, puts apples that she does not eat in the trunk, so that she can forget them there and throw them away in a week.

Here is a conversation that is repeated every time an adult son visits his mother. “I'm going to buy you something now. Here, I saved a jar of pink jam for you.”“Mom, I've told you more than once that I don't eat pink jam, I'm allergic to it.” “Come on, this cannot be! You love rose jam, I know for sure! " "No mom, I don't like rose jam." “Well, try a spoon, you might like it, I tried so hard, cooked it” “Mom, I'm allergic to it and it might be a shock!” “Please, try… A small spoon… I tried so hard for you….”, - tears, sighs, a look to the side.

Adult children put on sweaters, eat hateful food, hurt themselves. After all, if they object, then they will have to bear the burden of guilt for “offending (a) the unfortunate mother, and she tried so hard …”

What does this lead to.

To a constant feeling of guilt for your needs, tastes, your “want” and “don't want”. As a result, these adult children have very little understanding of their needs. It is better not to know about them than to feel constant feelings of guilt. They can't be themselves. This deep prohibition leads to the fact that for any desire that is different from the desire of the mother, they feel like traitors. And, in the end, they prefer to stop wanting altogether.

Stobie nothing happened?

Fixing the child on problems, constantly intimidating

A typical daily phone conversation between a mother and an adult daughter. “Well, how are you there, nothing happened?” - with a heavy sigh. “Mom, everything is in order, everything is fine with me.” - the daughter still cheerfully answers. “You must be very tired at work. Does your husband help you a little? “Mom, everything is fine. I don't get tired, I love my job. And the husband helps,”the daughter replies without much courage. “Are you going on a trip again? It's so expensive. And the time is so dangerous …”, - again with a sigh. “Mom, it's time for me to run. I'll call you back.” “Of course, I understand everything. You don't have enough time for your mom right now. Well, call me, at least sometimes,”- with tears in his voice.

Such mothers habitually and from an early age intimidate their children. “Aren't you sick?” - with horror in your voice? Oh my God! Did you hit hard?”- with a frightened look and a gasp?

If the child stayed on the street for 5 minutes longer than the allowed time, the mother rushed around the yard, wailing and shouting. After all, something terrible can happen!

If the child sneezed from a cold, the mother would cry next to the bed, clenching her hands over her heart. "I'm so worried!" "I'm so worried about you!" This is a refrain for life! Most people will say: Mom loves her baby so much, that's why she worries. In fact, these mothers create a constant atmosphere of fear around the baby. They broadcast with all their appearance: “The world is a dangerous place. Something terrible can happen to you at any moment. Do not leave me !!!”

How do children feel when they are constantly bullied in this way? Fear of everything new. This is usually so unbearable that fear is localized in one topic. Someone is afraid to fly on airplanes, but otherwise brave and courageous. Someone is constantly afraid for their health, listening to themselves and undergoing various examinations. Someone is afraid of loneliness, someone of the crowd. But basically, in any new undertaking, in any new topic, these people are primarily afraid. Not interest, not curiosity, not excitement, not anticipation of change. And fear.

What does this lead to.

These adult children are more likely to deny their fear. They choose an anti-script for maternal horrors. I'm great! I am a positive person! I'm not afraid of anything and everything is fine with me!” But any stressful situation leads to a breakdown, to panic attacks, to insomnia, to depression and, as a result, to depression. And this leads to a feeling of total failure and lack of control.

I'm going to do something with myself now

Threats to self-harm, or actual self-harm (beating yourself, for example)

This is one of the most dangerous manifestations of soft violence. And it can lead to the most dire consequences.

I will not describe it for a long time. Anyone who has experienced such episodes (or experienced them constantly in childhood) will understand what is at stake.

Those who at least once saw how mom beat herself, how she tore off her clothes, how she bangs her head against the wall, how she threatens to lay hands on herself, remember the total paralyzing fear and the all-consuming feeling of guilt. Yes, the child is scared, because he can lose his mother. Yes, he feels guilty because he believes it's all because of him.

As awful as it sounds, it would be better if the mother beat the child. In this case, the child would sooner or later realize that the mother acted badly.

Self-harm in front of a child is sophisticated emotional abuse. And the child has no chance of realizing that the mother is doing wrong. He considers himself bad. And for years he cannot forgive himself. It is not clear why!

What does this lead to.

Distorted, toxic relationships with other people. Such adult children will be afraid to speak out in relationships, to demand, to protect their borders, to defend themselves. In their childish state, there will be a belief that at any moment another person can do something to himself. And it will be their fault.

Influence him (her) …

Building coalitions with a child against someone in the family

And the last manifestation of soft violence for today. It is also very common, familiar, understandable and is not considered violence. It is considered a maternal pain, a misfortune that requires constant help.

In this case, the mother is a victim who cannot cope with either the aggressor or an unlucky family member. A father or an adult son (daughter) can be an aggressor or an unlucky one. And then the mother constantly complains to her other child about this aggressor, asking for help.

“I don't know what to do anymore. I don’t know where to go … Do at least something …”, - the mother says crying about the troubles caused by the aggressor or the unlucky one. And the child turns on, interferes, instructs on the path, quarrels with his father, brother, sister. “If it weren't for you, I wouldn't know what I was doing. Only you understand me,”says my mother. And after a week everything repeats again.

At the child's protests, at the unwillingness to intervene, the mother is offended, becomes silent. And after a while it “breaks down”. “I didn’t even tell you half of what was going on! If you only knew (a) …”And again everything is repeated from the beginning.

Mom constantly broadcasts to the child: “Protect me, become my mother. You are big and strong, and I am small and weak."

And this is a concrete slab on the shoulders of a child. This is a heavy burden that sometimes has to be borne until the death of the mother. This is a feeling of total lack of freedom, chainedness.

Such grown-up children live with the feeling that they have no right to happiness, joy, and carelessness. They become double adults. For myself and for my mother. And if there are episodes of joy, then they immediately punish themselves - with illness, hard work, crisis, accident.

They live constantly on alert, constantly waiting for a phone call. They want to disappear, disappear, evaporate. But “only you understand me, if not for you …” does not let them go for a moment.

What does this lead to.

To codependent relationships, to hyper-responsibility, to hyper-control. To the inability to relax, to the loss of the joy and taste of life. And to do the same with your children.

Before us is a total cultural collusion. Yes, because in our culture everything described above is called mother's love. In all these manifestations, no one tries to recognize violence. The default is: “All mothers are like that. She is so strong, motherly love. Watch at least one Soviet film, and you will immediately understand what it is about.

This "motherly love" breeds millions of emotionally disabled people. Who continue to do the same with their children. To make the wheel of Samsara turn.

Any “mantras” about “forgive and let go” do not work here. Clarifications and conversations don't work. Those adult children who try to talk to their mothers run into misunderstandings. Sincere misunderstanding and resentment: “I didn't want anything bad. But I love you . In their world, this is love. And they perceive any conversation as an accusation.

I have seen so many times the hopeful eyes of grown-up daughters who “talked” to their mothers. After all, we all want everything to be good with our mothers. But in the next session, those eyes were already filled with tears: "This is hopeless, I will not succeed."

Are there any recipes in this thread?

There is. One. Decide to end this relationship. It is acceptable in some cultures. But not in ours. In our culture, there is a risk of such destructive feelings of guilt that can lead to very dangerous self-punishment. After all, a mother is sacred. To stop communicating with a “loving mother” is tantamount to the most terrible betrayal. And adult children are looking for excuses for their mothers, explaining their behavior by a difficult childhood, experienced troubles and anything else.

For twenty years of my practice, I have roamed these roads. Fifteen years ago, I believed that you can find a "magic wand". Ten years ago, my fervor subsided. Now I know that this is a total cultural collusion. That such mothers are legion. That everyone believes that this is love - both mothers and children. That at some point every child of such a mother tries to break free, to gnaw through the ropes with which “mother's love” entangled him. Some try again and again. Some people manage to loosen tight hinges.

And every time, with every new client, with every new group, I feel like a sapper making his way through a minefield. With quiet steps, carefully, without riots and protests (if possible), a unique method is slowly being invented for each client, for each group. Because in our culture, the only way that can lead to recovery - “end your relationship with your mother and never call her again” - can cause total damage. The system is stronger and more powerful than us.

But I do not lose hope. I know that the children of these mothers can definitely stop doing this with their children. And this will already be a victory!

I know awareness softens automatism. And the children of such mothers, without breaking off the relationship, learn faster and more efficiently to get out of their usual states after contact with the mother. And this is another victory!

I know that deep awareness and understanding “Mom didn’t love me (doesn’t love me)” causes acute pain, but it gives me the opportunity to breathe, gives me the right to be myself. And this is what a victory!

So we move, wandering in the dark forests of "mother's love" in search of light through the dense branches. And on one of the paths in the soul, perhaps, there will be a sigh: "Mom, too much love … Too much for me." And what is too much is no longer love. I don’t know what it is, but it’s definitely not love.