Family Dramas Within Us Or How To Communicate With The Inner Child

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Recently, I told my husband about the concept of the Inner Child. I said that thanks to the Inner Child, we can rejoice, create, create.

This is the one who makes us alive and gives us the colors of life.

After listening, he asked very interesting questions:

• What if childhood was not cloudless?
• What happens if a person only does what to satisfy the needs of his Inner Child?
• Is there a risk that such a person will play and stop taking responsibility?
• Could it be that by cultivating this part, there will be no adults left at all?

I think many people are asking these questions.

I decided to talk about the Inner Child so that even an excellent mathematician husband would no longer be afraid to accept this part of himself.

Inner family

Imagine that there is a whole family living inside you:

Parent - the aspect of personality that communicates with us in the words of significant adults. Much depends on whether he is criticizing and controlling or supporting and accepting.

Child - An ego state that reproduces our childhood behavior, thoughts, attitudes, and perceptions of the world. A child can be natural and spontaneous, or adaptive and rebellious.

Adult is our rational and objective part. It helps to be aware of what is happening at the moment. I would call an Adult a family friend who helps to resolve family conflicts within us.

Internal families are different - well-off and not so. And as in any other family, the child's behavior directly depends on how the parents behave towards him.

Let's compare what families are with what happens inside us.

Criticizing and controlling parents

Imagine a family with overly critical and controlling parents.

• Parents devalue everything their child does;
• The father screams and insults;
• Mom constantly compares with other “obedient and good” children;
• The Family is constantly criticized and humiliated.

It is very difficult for a child in such families and needs to somehow adapt in order to survive.

But the ways in which a child adapts are different.

Family sabotage

With controlling and critical parents, the child begins to rebel.

He often sabotages. It just “forgets” to do the right thing. Agreeing with everything, he acts in his own way.

For example, my parents have always considered me an obedient and good girl. They did not know that I ran out the window at night, so that no one knew about it.

Think back to yourself when you were a teenager.

Sabotaging the Child in the Inner Family

Outwardly, we may look quite successful. But inside, real family dramas with domestic violence can take place.

An example of an eating disorder

You look at yourself in the mirror, and you hear the voice of the Inner Parent: “Look at who you look like. Stop eating! . You are in pain, you cry, but you agree with the Parent. “Indeed, I’m not like that,” you think. And don't eat after 6 pm.

But at night a hungry Child wakes up. He tiptoes into the kitchen and finds a delicious cake there. You yourself do not notice how you start to eat it quickly and greedily. But then the light turns on, and you see the indignant and angry Parent. Put the rest of the cake in your mouth. Well, maybe he won't.

But he had already seen everything. And you hear: “Well, look who you look like! How could you, cow! Spit it out! So that tomorrow I do not leave fitness!.

You go to the toilet to "spit out this stuff." And spend the next day in the gym, not getting any pleasure from the workout. What pleasure is there - this is a punishment, and punishment should not be pleasant. And to make it even more painful, hang the inscription on the refrigerator "Don't you dare open, cow!" and a “motivating” poster with a slender girl.

You feel very bad, but you “don't deserve” positive emotions. Therefore, the Inner Child has no choice but to steal a cake at night.

It turned out to be a short tutorial on bulimia. But this happens when the Parent and the Child do not hear each other and ignore the Adult.

Any extremes work in the same way: Parent humiliates and shouts - The child, not receiving support and love, rebelles.

And so it turns out: we either work, not paying attention to health, then we do nothing, then we wake ourselves up at 6.00 in the morning, then we sleep all day. Continue your list yourself.

But it can get worse. Riot as self-destruction

I often see this picture.

Mom runs after the baby and yells at him, and when she catches him, she slaps on the bottom. But as soon as the little bandit breaks free, he continues to do what he did before. He often fights, falls from trees, breaks something for himself. And he does it as if out of spite, demonstrating his attitude towards all adults.

Such a child disturbs everyone, neither teachers nor neighbors love him. He also forgot about the expression of parental love. And since the child's need to be loved, he himself is, oh, how bad it is. But he does not know how to prove in another way that he has the right to exist.

Self-destruction in the inner family

• We destroy ourselves, going all the way. There are gambling and computer games, alcohol and drugs. Anything to muffle this ever-humiliating and criticizing voice.
• We stop making money just because the Parent wants it, and we don't want to obey.
• We stop striving for goals. All the same, the Parent will not appreciate and will make it even more painful, comparing with someone more successful.

And at some point we completely drive our Parent into the shadows.

The adult inside of us is still trying to fix everything for some time. He is trying to say that it is important for ourselves, that alcohol is really bad. But the Parent intervenes and says - "Alcoholic, what to take from him!" To which the Child replies - "Yes, I don't care, I drank and I will drink!" And the Adult leaves, as he ceases to understand what is happening. Self-destruction is too illogical, and no one hears its arguments.

Very similar to the fairy tale "Red Shoes", described by K. P Estes in the book "Running with Wolves." When we can no longer stop on the path to self-destruction, because our creative part was thrown into the fire.

But it so happens that the child does not have the strength to resist at all, and he completely resigns himself.

Resigned child

Humility in this case is when the child does not resist in any way, and unquestioningly obeys his parents.

I am always alarmed by very obedient and correct children. They sit quietly in a corner. Mom will say sit down - he will sit down, asks to tell a rhyme - he will tell you. He is not interested in anything and therefore does not climb anywhere. And everyone around them is touched and says “what an obedient child”, and they also set him up as an example.

Only few people notice that he is very bad. It is very scary when a child is not interested in anything at the age of three, does not ask questions and does not show curiosity.

Resigned or Adapted Inner Child

I think you are familiar with the situation when an idea comes to mind, you light it up. And suddenly you hear a voice: “Well, where did you go, you still won’t succeed. Last time you remember how you screwed up. Sit better and keep your head down.” And we don't stick our heads out.

Then the Inner Child becomes silent and goes to the “corner”. And we continue to go to our unloved work, strictly follow all the prescriptions of society. But at some point we notice that we are not interested in anything, everything is indifferent and we do not want anything at all. Welcome to depression - an important sign that you are not living your life!

But there is also another extreme.

"Kind" parents

“Kind” parents who bring up a child according to the principle of permissiveness. Everything would be fine, but it can turn out, as in the joke:

A woman with a child is traveling in a trolleybus. The child behaves ugly.

Spins, dangles with legs, stains everyone. The people are beginning to be indignant:

“Woman, your baby is making everyone dirty.

To which she stands up and proudly declares:

- I bring up my child so that he can do anything.

Then a hefty bogai rises from a nearby place, pulls out the gum from his mouth and happily sculpts it on her forehead:

- And my mother taught me that too.

I also observed this behavior of parents more than once. Parents think that if they ask the child not to run or scream in the library, they will destroy his tender psyche.

They do not understand one thing - it is very difficult and unsafe for a child who does not know the boundaries of what is permitted. He does not understand why, when he pours soup at his mother at the age of five, she says: “What a fine fellow you are!”, And the teacher scolds. This causes anxiety and confusion about how to behave.

In such cases, the rebellion described above can also manifest. In this way, children test boundaries and draw attention to themselves.

Unrecognized genius

Having read "smart" books, parents make another mistake. They raise a child according to the principle - "Well, it doesn't work out - come on, it's not worth your worries!"

For example, the kid starts to fold the pyramid, but he does not succeed. He worries, gets nervous, throws everything away. And mom, instead of supporting and helping to finish it, says: “Fu, what a bad pyramid, throw it! Come on, I'd better give you some candy.” Thus, the mother deprives the baby of the joy of realizing “I did it!”. He does not have a sense of victory.

Inner unrecognized genius

You have a creative impulse! You literally light up with the desire to create something so ingenious. Immediately rush to do it. But suddenly, what a surprise, something starts to fail. Perhaps there is just a little lack of knowledge or some skills.

With a caring and motivating Parent, you have most likely read the necessary literature and would have taken a course to improve your skills. But you get bored, and the Child inside you says in the words of Carlson: "Oh no, I don't play like that anymore."

And the Parent is used to saying: “Little one, do not overwork yourself, drop this bad pyramid. You'd better go eat some candy, you think it didn't work out."

Having eaten sweets, having thus received positive emotions, you are fond of something else. Further in a circle - euphoria, difficulty, boredom, throwing halfway.

It is very sad when you realize how many wonderful projects are on the table, because the inner Parent did not play its role in time. He might say, “What a good idea you have, it’s a pity if it doesn’t come to fruition. Let's find a way out, how to solve your difficulty."

There is also a lack of an Adult who would put everything on the shelves and explain why you need to make efforts.

Without a Parent and an Adult, unrecognized geniuses are obtained. Nobody sees the results of their labors, and relatives are forced to finance and serve their ideas.

Becoming a Good Enough Parent to Yourself

Judging by what I wrote, someone might think that parents are evil that should not be allowed near children. But I just described examples of parents whose behavior may not reflect well on the child.

The role of the Parent is irreplaceable for us, including the controlling part of it. Proper control protects us from dangers and injuries. Plugging your fingers into an outlet is really dangerous and painful.

Moreover, I believe that Adult is someone who can be a good enough mom to himself. And such a mother loves her child and takes care of him. She will not let him go where it is dangerous, but she does it without bringing the matter to a riot. When you don't feel like doing anything, and you understand that this inner child is resisting, when faced with an obstacle, support him. Give it a break, praise the work already done, and motivate it to continue.

As a parent to yourself, you will be able to hug this little girl or boy inside you and say that you see and love him. He no longer needs to be afraid, now he has you. You will be able to tell him everything that you yourself once wanted to hear, but you did not hear it.

Sometimes it happens that the Parent and the Child had a fight. The Parent shouted, and the Child was offended, and you went to eat chocolates. At this point, stop and call an Adult for help. Ask him: are you actually walking this chocolate bar now, or are you just rebelling.

If you really want to, eat it enjoying the taste and guilt-free. And if you understand that this is a riot, go outside and breathe for a few minutes. Then return yourself to the business you were doing.

And in order for the child to rebel less, you need to communicate with him. Think of how attention-deficient children draw attention to themselves. Now, the inner child is no different.

Communicating with your inner child is a very interesting and rewarding activity

• Do any kind of creativity;
• Indulge in little pranks, such as jumping for a run or riding a carousel;
• Swim more often - children love water;
• Go for a massage, the child loves everything related to the body;
• Allow yourself to enjoy the little things;
• Play role-playing games with your children more often and just run;
• Watch the good cartoons of your childhood.

Why communicate with the Inner Child, what will it do?

If you have no connection with the Child, you cannot create and invent anything. Even sex without her will only be the fulfillment of a conjugal duty.

Communicating with your inner Child will help you become more creative and spontaneous. You will be gushing with ideas and will easily begin to get to work. You will enjoy all the little things and rejoice over the little things. Life will acquire bright colors, cheerful firecrackers and the sweet taste of wild strawberries!

Let's summarize

It is important to give space to any of your parts. Everything will be fine if each of them fulfills its functions:

• Child - inspire, ignite and delight;
• Parent - support, protect, guide and motivate;
• Adult - to return to the here and now, to analyze and be aware of what is happening at the moment.

As with any family, a dialogue between Parent and Child is essential. Often this is helped by the inner Adult, who shows a real picture of what is happening.

And if your Adult is tired, then you can find an external assistant, for example, in the person of a psychotherapist. He will help support the Child, calm the Parent, restore the Adult and establish a dialogue between everyone.

I wish you peace in your inner families!