Moral Abuse In Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-31 14:10

Perverted communication

The main goal of moral violence is to make a person doubt himself and other people, to break his will … The victims of moral violence are people who find themselves next to the aggressor and attract his attention with some of their merits, which he wants to appropriate. Or they are people who cause him inconvenience. They do not have any particular tendency towards masochism or depression initially. In general, we can say that in every personality there is a share of masochism that can be activated, if desired.

These people allow themselves to be seduced, not suspecting that their partner can be a destroyer to the core. This is simply not spelled out in their ideas about the world

They give the impression of being naive and gullible. They do not hide their emotionality, and this arouses the envy of the aggressor.

Have low self-esteem and tend to feel guilty. Susceptible to criticism

They doubt themselves and their views. Show vulnerability and lack of confidence in their own abilities.

They are very attached to relationships, there is a great desire to give

These qualities increase the likelihood of being in a relationship with an abuser and becoming a target for perverse communication.

Perverted communication can be recognized by the following signs:

• Contempt and sarcasm, which is hidden under the guise of a joke. Teasing in front of strangers, questioning a person's ability to think and make healthy decisions. Irritated sighs, sidelong glances, offensive remarks. The pain of such treatment is ridiculed, the victim is exposed as paranoid. She is labeled as hysterical, insane, abnormal.

• Constant infringement of dignity - the attacker convinces his partner that he is worthless until he himself believes in it.

• Nothing is called by its proper name … The aggressor avoids a direct answer to the question, does not recognize the conflict, ridicules the feelings and pain of another.

• For the invader, the victim is an object, but "they don't talk to things." There is no dialogue in interaction, there are instructions from above. This is a way to show that there is no equal partner. The aggressor presents everything as if he alone owns the truth, he knows everything better. At the same time, in a conversation, his argumentation is often incoherent and illogical, its purpose is to lead away from the solution of the issue. He always finds a way to be right and blame the other.

• He may make deliberately impossible requests in order to have even more grounds for criticism.

• Most often, aggression is manifested not directly, but through the so-called cold hostility … The aggressor speaks in a cold, indifferent voice, while his tone can at times carry a hidden threat and make you worry. He is hiding real information. To do this, he uses hints, conjectures, and even outright blatant lies.

• The victim is confused by the behavior of the aggressor. In words - one thing, in deeds - another. He can say that he agrees with the proposal, but with facial expressions to show that this is only an appearance. As a result, the victim cannot accurately determine what she feels and what to believe, stops trusting herself, more and more blames herself and tries to justify herself.

One of the characteristic features of aggressor-victim communication is a shift in guilt. Only the victim feels guilty, the aggressor does not touch this feeling, projecting it onto the partner

; Close relationships with such people go through two stages.

First comes the seduction stage. The aggressor behaves in such a way that the victim admires him. And from the outside it seems that this is a great love, which is simply impossible to resist. Alarming signals during the candy-bouquet period can be:

- Constant tension of one of the partners. Internal unexplained anxiety. Everything seems to be good, but" title="Image" />

First comes the seduction stage. The aggressor behaves in such a way that the victim admires him. And from the outside it seems that this is a great love, which is simply impossible to resist. Alarming signals during the candy-bouquet period can be:

- Constant tension of one of the partners. Internal unexplained anxiety. Everything seems to be good, but

- Strong falling under the influence of a partner, loss of freedom. Under the guise of caring - the gradual isolation of a partner from his past social circles. Ideally, if the victim is left all alone, without the support of friends and family. Thus, a possible revolt is reduced to zero.

At this stage, the victim is destabilized, the loss of faith in oneself. She seeks recognition and approval and pays for this by obeying the increasingly stringent demands of the aggressor. First, she does it out of a desire to please or comfort, and then out of fear. The aggressor confronts the victim with her childhood vulnerability and trauma, which she intuitively feels and thereby gains control over her.

The victim tends to justify the partner's behavior: "He behaves this way because he is unhappy. I will heal and comfort him with my love." Thinks that the partner is doing bad to her because of a lack of information or understanding: "I will explain everything to him, he will understand and apologize." She is in search of words that can convey to her partner what she wants, not realizing that the aggressor does not want to know. She is patient and thinks she can forgive everything.

Of course, she cannot fail to notice and constantly close her eyes to the "very strange" behavior of her partner, which gives her so much pain. And, along with this, the victim continues to idealize him in other aspects. For example, notes his working capacity, intelligence, qualities of a parent, erudition, ability to impress, sense of humor, etc

He tries to adapt, to understand what the aggressor is trying to achieve and his share of responsibility in all this. She is looking for a logical explanation for her partner's behavior. And stays in the relationship, hoping that he will change.

The seduction stage can last for several years. When the victim's will is paralyzed and she can no longer defend herself, the relationship passes into the second stage - open violence.

A "useful thing" turns into a dangerous enemy, and envy turns into hatred. Insults, blows "below the belt", ridicule of everything that is dear to a partner are used. The victim is constantly in anticipation of aggression - contemptuous look, icy tone. When she tries to talk about her feelings, the main reaction of the aggressor is to silence her. In his confrontation, the victim feels very lonely, others often do not understand her - because from the outside everything looks decent.

Due to their inability to trust themselves, the victim feels confusion, which creates stress and further hinders resistance. She complains of constant depression, emptiness in her head, inability to concentrate, loss of vitality and immediacy. More and more doubts about himself and his abilities.

She still thinks she can dissolve the hate in her love. But for the aggressor, her benevolence and forgiveness looks like superiority, so this tactic causes an even greater wave of violence. But if the victim loses his temper and shows open hatred, he rejoices, since his projection is confirmed. The partner is really bad and deserves to be "re-educated". This is another reason to shift the blame onto someone else.

As a result, the victim is trapped - if she resists, she looks like an aggressor, if she does not resist, suffers a destructive effect. The aggressor may not seem too interested in the relationship, but if the victim begins to slip away, he begins to pursue her and it is extremely difficult to let go. If she has nothing more to give him, then she becomes the object of open hatred. Calmly and quietly, the aggressor cannot leave. It is important for him to preserve his sense of "I am ok" and not to come into contact with the dark sides of his personality, so he demonizes his partner in order to remain "in a white coat" against this background.

The aggressor transfers unrecognized hatred from himself to his partner … By displacing it outward, he creates a triangle combination. To love another partner, he needs to hate the previous one. At the same time, when parting, he often drags out litigation in order to maintain relations with the previous partner, at least in this form, to maintain contact and his power over him.

As a result of interaction with the aggressor, the victim is left alone with very heavy feelings.

At first it is confusion and resentment. She expects an apology, but there won't be one.

When the injured party finally realizes what happened to her, she experiences a shock. She feels that she has been deceived, feels like a victim of some kind of fraud. And, at the same time, to the end, as if she cannot believe that this can happen to her.

After the shock comes apathy and depression - too many feelings have been suppressed. Against this background, the victim may begin to blame himself. She loses her self-respect, is ashamed of her behavior, reproaches herself for having endured for so long:" title="Image" />

As a result of interaction with the aggressor, the victim is left alone with very heavy feelings.

At first it is confusion and resentment. She expects an apology, but there won't be one.

When the injured party finally realizes what happened to her, she experiences a shock. She feels that she has been deceived, feels like a victim of some kind of fraud. And, at the same time, to the end, as if she cannot believe that this can happen to her.

After the shock comes apathy and depression - too many feelings have been suppressed. Against this background, the victim may begin to blame himself. She loses her self-respect, is ashamed of her behavior, reproaches herself for having endured for so long:

Psychosomatics can connect: problems with the gastrointestinal tract, digestion, cardiovascular or skin diseases begin.

If you find that your close relationship is described above, chances are good that the only way out of it is to break up

• Analyze the situation without feeling guilty. Give responsibility to the aggressor for his behavior. You are not to blame for doing this to you. You are the injured party.

• Recognize that your loved one is a threat. And you can effectively defend yourself only by getting out of his influence.

• Physically distance yourself from the aggressor as much as possible. Find support for yourself in other people or with a counselor.

• It is good if someone from the uninterested person helps you to look at the situation from the outside in order to see it as objectively as possible.

• Remember that any changes in the victim's behavior cause a surge of aggression and provocation. Take care of your safety.

• Stop making excuses and understand that any dialogue is useless. If you want to agree on something with your partner, do it in the presence of a third party and record everything in writing. This does not provide guarantees, but increases the likelihood of compliance with the agreements.

• Allow yourself to be angry with the aggressor and vent that anger in a safe environment. Not the aggressor, of course. It is important for you that emotions that have been suppressed for a very long time come out. Beat your pillow, shout, stomp, write your feelings on paper - any safe method is fine.

• Give yourself time to recover and regain self-esteem. This experience helped you become stronger, better understanding people. Take everything of value that was in it and let go of the situation.