Implicit Abuse In Relationships. Part 2. Sexual Assault

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Continuation of the article on Implicit Violence in Relationships.

The first part "Implicit violence in relationships. Part 1. Physical violence.":…

Sexual abuse

Implicit sexual abuse is sexual contact (touching, as well as other actions, such as words, hints, glances, performed in a sexual context) that is painful or unpleasant, or simply does not bring joy or pleasure.

For example:

• Sex, when one of the partners is tired, sick, wants to sleep or has any other dominant need (for example, wants to use the toilet) and at the moment does not have his own desire to have sex, but agrees to sex so as not to refuse the partner (wants to please him or is afraid reaction to failure).
• The form of sex, touch, posture, pace, words, etc., that cause pain, physical or emotional discomfort, harm to health, or simply indifferent, does not bring pleasure.
• Overreaction to a partner's refusal of sexual intercourse. Yes, it's okay to feel frustrated and frustrated when you can't get what you want. But when a refusal is followed by strong anger, resentment, a long stay in a "spoiled mood" - this puts emotional pressure on the partner.
• Sex, when one of the partners is not yet aroused, the natural lubrication has not yet emerged and the body and psyche are not yet ready for coitus. Artificial lubricants can soften the entrance, but do not replace the preparation of the body (physically and emotionally) for the process itself. If no natural lubrication is released, there may be insufficient foreplay or emotional stress.

It's very sad that our culture has an object-oriented relationship. * to women in a sexual context. It is believed that the need for sex is a male prerogative. And a woman must satisfy his need, "must give." Otherwise, he will simply have sex with the one who does not refuse.

There is a widespread opinion among both men and women that if a woman does not want sex now, then she can simply “be patient”, “after all, she can just lie down with her legs apart,” “or she can at least give a blowjob if she cannot have sex. " However, this is violence both on the body and on the psyche, even if the woman does not feel pain from the process, but simply feels "indifference."

For men, the phenomenon of "sex" is often glued together with other phenomena - with maternal love, with their own masculinity, etc. And when a woman refuses, a man may perceive this as a very painful rejection (“they don’t love me, I’m not needed”), denial of his masculinity, male gender, etc. However, his partner should not be held responsible for his experiences.

There are also reverse situations when a man is forced to agree to sex, forcibly arouses himself or endures some form of sexual contact that is unpleasant for him. This is also violence.

Sexual contact is the contact of two equal partners, the desires of both are equally important and valuable. Sex is a joint creation, joint joy and pleasure. If one is good, and the other “just be patient”, then this is use, object relation, violence, there is no love in this and there is no real contact between a man and a woman. If sex is not about joy and pleasure, but about “just be patient,” then over time, you will not feel like having sex at all.

[*] Object relation - a person is not perceived as a living separate person with his own rights, desires, with his own value, is not perceived as a whole as a person with his inner world, but is perceived as a functional, as an inanimate object that serves to satisfy some need.

Fragment from the collection "Codependency in its own juice". You may also be interested in the book "What do we confuse love with, or Love it" - about the illusions and traps in codependency and about the model of healthy relationships. Books are available on Liters and MyBook.