2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Today it is customary to think: a husband has a mistress on the side - it means a goat, and poor women then suffer with him. A peasant can, of course, be a goat. However, triangulation in relationships arises, firstly: with a conscious or not really - but the consent of all parties. And secondly: the deep need of the mistress in such a relationship is basically not at all in a man, as is commonly thought. The mistress is pushed into another's family by an unconscious, unsatisfied (frustrated) need for female initiation. And she is looking for her (paradoxical at first glance) from the wife of that very strange man.
In the female stages of natural maturation and formation, there are TWO important psychological initiations.
The early and first of them should take place from an adult authoritative woman, but not a mother (the mother accepts us from the cradle, and loves us, no matter what; and since initiation is not about a child, but about a woman, her friend will do, aunt, teacher, girlfriend's mother, alpha female of the tribe, and even a casual acquaintance). This initiation serves as an internal confirmation of the feeling that a young growing up woman is part of the female Kin, she is accepted by him and among women like her, she has the right to feel “her own”. In the natural variant of development, a woman receives initiation imperceptibly, on time - usually at a prepubertal age and goes on to grow up. Then, after a while, she enters into a relationship with a man, who initiates her differently - as a sexually mature female, capable of reproducing offspring.
Initiation from women - very important in matters of women's self-esteem, a sense of completeness and recognition as equal members of the female family.
Needless to say that all mistresses have much more relationships with the wives of their married men (of course, completely unconscious) than with the men themselves. But since the need is in the area (as psychoanalysts say) - "unconscious", (and gestaltists) - "functions of the ID", it is replaced all the time by another desire (only the desire to be with him is realized, and for some reason he is classically married; or as a desire to "win" over his wife), and the method of realization is not chosen the most adequate; she - this need - remains chronically frustrated. The need is to be on a par with me.
By the way: married - in a civil marriage - in difficult relationships with three other women - chronically divorced - does not matter. If the man you choose is always busy - this is it!
Classic mistresses - these are girls, often rejected by older, non-empathic women, often - incestously traumatized (by fathers, other adult men). Here - sexual abuse does not necessarily take place - it is simple enough for the father to violate her psychological boundaries in communication with his daughter, giving her the opportunity to feel in the role of his wife. The imaginary victory over the mother in the inner world of such a girl leads to a serious unnatural shift in emphasis in the field of the female self. These and many other reasons lead to the fact that later, in adulthood, a woman will painfully try to become her (woman). Endlessly competing for male attention and female envy with the entire female population in the habitat - or its brightest representatives.
And all this is in pursuit of the constantly elusive inner confident feeling and experience of oneself, on which one can rely and calm down. Which is the basis for a woman's self-esteem. Which, when it is there, cannot be confused with anything.
Since there is no experience of recognizing oneself as equal to others, the need for such a woman is transformed into a form that is understandable to her and often sounds like: to defeat a rival. Usually there are many rivals, but winning all the time and everyone does not work, which for such a woman is painful, and even does not saturate - this is a way to temporarily seal the hole in herself, which constantly whines and asks for more.
This is where the substitution lies: initiation is before competition. Because you can only compete adequately with an equal; or in the area where we - two women are approximately equal (by the way - such "correct" competition is often colored by warm feelings). Initiation is when a woman you, a teenager, is guided by, you want to be like, says to you: “You will succeed. You are beautiful, smart, feminine, economic (etc., emphasize what is needed). Are you okay. You are a real woman. You are ours! " And on this knowledge, received in time, you can rely later on throughout your life.
This felt, simple experience gives a woman the opportunity to stay in touch with herself, her femininity. Accept her, develop, know her, so to speak, in person, which means - be able to handle her. To be able to distinguish - where is mine and where is not. And not to experience a megaton of unconscious anxiety every time a man at a nearby table in a cafe compliments someone other than you; when a girlfriend has a successful career as a mathematician, and you are a deep humanitarian; or when he loves brunettes and is married, and you are blonde - and that means - he will be yours!
Psychological maturity - one of the biological tasks - otherwise there would be no age-related crises and humanity could afford forever, and most importantly, painlessly swim in the abyss of infantile syrup. And so: it periodically covers with shame that "all women are like women, and I …" - moreover, there can be any topic for alarm. That time to give birth to children, and all relationships - only as a mistress. And then, by the age of 40, you discover that your youth passed in whirlwind romances, the presentation is not the same, and you don’t know what else to enjoy in life. There are a lot of options, and all are not pleasant.
It is much more difficult for a woman to receive initiation in adulthood - like any experience that was not received at the natural stages of development. The exception is psychotherapy, which just works, including in the direction of excavation and "growing" in a person of the encapsulated, unlived experience in time. Which, when it appears, harmonizes many aspects of life.
Psychotherapy is always not a fast process, but rather a slow unhurried immersion into the inner world. A study in which a woman can discover a lot of interesting facets in herself, put together a puzzle that has not been formed for a long time, understand and notice something - and therefore gain the ability to change it.
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