WHY IS IT DIFFICULT TO LOVE YOURSELF? A Drowning Man's Guide

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

LOVE YOURSELF and success in life is guaranteed - read psychological books, motivating articles. BUT IS A GOOD SELF-VALUE SO IMPORTANT? And why is there so much obsession with this already outdated phrase: LOVE YOURSELF.

Easy to say but difficult to do.

So what are the reasons NOT to love yourself?

And so, the guidance of a drowning man.

Low self-esteem is caused by many factors. Today I will highlight a few, in my opinion, the most important.

1. Internal critic.
2. Small child.

The first is our voice, which constantly says:

• Don't eat your cheeks like a hamster;
• Go to the gym, look at which sides you ate;
• Don't wear these shorts! Do you want to be vulgar, etc.

It seems to us that this is our voice, but in fact, this is the voice that our parents, teachers, and the first beloved speak to us. In general, all the significant people whom we have met during our period of life.

It could be your mom, who constantly criticized you, or the first guy who said some kind of taunt, which, until now, lies lumpy in the heart.

These are all important, I emphasize, people whose voice you listened to in one way or another. And this voice was perceived by your subconscious mind as authoritative and recorded in the form of an attitude, embodied in a life strategy.

All these statements, situations have been collected all your life from childhood to the present moment, bit by bit, into a single whole, into an inner voice that speaks to us in the voices of many. Although we think that it is ourselves.

And now you are already rubbing the dishes to a shine, do not wear your favorite shorts and those around you, supporting this with phrases: "this is how clean she is", "she is so modest", without understanding, intensify neurotic behavior in you. No one sees the pain behind this seemingly socially approved behavior.

The problem starts where:

• Such actions go beyond the socially acceptable;
• External encouragement of others leaves;
• An important person or authoritative person whose voice you are listening to (close friend, mentor, psychologist) said that this behavior is strange or unacceptable;
• Conflicts with others are created, etc.

For example, again take the obsessive "love of cleanliness." Such a person, not only does he observe a certain rite of purity, in all his actions he requires, does not ask, which is important, the observance of his rules by others. Refusal to comply is always perceived negatively, through the prism of psychological defenses. It is impossible to get out of the situation and resolve the conflict, because of his / her staying under the cover of his / her trauma.

It is good if there is a third person who is not involved in the situation, who will act as a kind of mediator and help soften the quarrel.

And even if the conflict is resolved, the neurotic behavior will remain.

The resulting problems:

1. Neurotic behavior is perceived as part of the character. Therefore, it is not considered possible to change something. Frequent installation "I am what I am". Some people get special pleasure from this behavior "yes, I am a stupid, but I am strong."
2. Secondary benefit. Receiving any bonuses from your behavior (for example, the approval of others).
3. One neurotic behavior creates a whole group of others, feeding and complementing each other. (perfectionism - low self-esteem; “if it’s not perfect, everyone will know that I’m a failure”)
4. Display in the body. Any emotion is recreated in our body, therefore, if, in accordance with our example, taking away from our girl the compensatory mechanism - washing dishes, apartments, the accumulated charge of irritation will fight off directly on itself, in the form of self-flagellation, and then in the form of a psychosomatic illness.

Therefore, many live with this perception all their lives, believing that it is quite normal, trying to unload a little the emotional intensity through sports, diets, relationships, careers, gossip, intrigues. Others go through the search for answers, trying to find out what is wrong with them. They run to trainings on femininity, where they are again drummed into the fact that something is wrong with them, but there is a certain image, reaching which everything will improve.

"After all, if you, Olga, were feminine, then men would not shy away from you."

And then the struggle begins, you try to repeat the affirmations that you are beautiful, beloved, tender; pasting stickers with settings at home, trying to walk with a feminine gait, be playful and smile, but something goes wrong. Sometimes this mood is enough for a day, sometimes for a couple of weeks, and then again jumped off the diet, stopped going to the gym and now you snap at passers-by, etc.

But because the inner critic is stronger than all this. You only take a little of his strength, but again he takes revenge and wins, and here again another rollback.

At a deeper level stands figure - you are small. In this case, it is resourceful and from there the inner critic draws a charge. He, no matter how paradoxical, protects this little you, directing your attention deep into himself. So that you finally recognize your true needs, and not engage in meaningless winding in circles. Consider it, a LIGHT, showing you a RED light and not letting in further.

Let's look at an example

Suppose we have a very ordinary family: mom, dad and a 5-year-old daughter. Both parents work 8 hours a day. The child remains either in the kindergarten or with his grandmother. Quite a common picture.

Parents who are used to spending a lot of time at work often lose contact with their child. They come home tired, a woman may also need to feed everyone, do household chores, and she also wants to relax a little. Men, in turn, rarely use this time to spend it with a child, considering it the lot of a woman.

A tired mother or father can often freak out on a child: he made the bed wrong, washed the dishes poorly, dressed the wrong way, etc. The child, behind every next criticism, is more and more convinced that he is superfluous, he is not loved.

And there are a couple of behaviors here:

- passive (some children are more and more closed in themselves, fulfill all the requirements of their parents, they are successful, as a rule, at school and in general everyone cannot get enough of them, they often turn into introverts (yes, they become, this is not innate) or perfectionists, with problems control and excessive anxiety).

- active (children often get sick or do not succeed in school, they bully, parents want or don’t want to, pay attention to them, albeit negative, but the result for the brain is achieved: “they are with me, it means I’m safe, it means that I’m doing the right thing ", And then children turn into adults prone to addictions, infantile and irresponsible so-called" do not care "," he is not interested in anything "- the parents name).

Girls are more likely to take the first position, although there are no official statistics.

The first and second are excellent manipulators, getting attention, each in their own way. At the same time, they are deeply unhappy, because inside they are convinced that this attention is conditional, not unconditional.

They are characterized by thinking: love me if….

And these three points each fill in as to whom there are enough resources and the conditions of the environment allow. Resource depends on how much the episodes “love me unconditionally” were more than “they don’t need me”.

If we had an accurate barometer, with a separate computing mechanism, where phrases of love and its manifestations, as well as phrases of criticism and rejection were recorded, we could accurately calculate how much resources this person has and how empty he is, in terms of psychic energy.

It can be metaphorically expressed that your self-esteem lies at the bottom of the ocean, where a little princess or prince lives in the castle, and how happy or unhappy they are depends on the quality of the water and the size of this ocean.

If you are happy, the ocean is boundless and pure.

If you are unhappy, then you arrive at the sea, lake, and sometimes puddles, where the water is cluttered and dirty.

And until this child feels safe, calm and loved, you, firstly, will not be able to turn into a Girl / Boy, and then a Woman / Man, you will remain little offended childwho needs to protect the inner critic from the danger that lurks everywhere.

All attempts to numb this pain will be in vain.

After all, you first need to heal the foundation, build a strong house, and then do the decor