Kim Saeed. "Narcissist Is A Traumatized Person" And Other Misconceptions

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In recent years, articles and books on narcissism have flooded the Internet. I often wonder if the Internet has turned us into a community of addicts to narcissism.

It all starts innocently enough. Your partner (or friend, colleague, family member) behaves in such a way that you feel like Quasimodo from Notre Dame de Paris. You turn to the Internet to understand the reasons for this, and by search query you get to a large number of top pages. You feel like a student gathering information for a coursework.

Most of the narcissistic relationship material encourages readers to cut off contact with the narcissist if possible. However, along with this, you come across other articles and books, in which the narcissist appears as a vulnerable person with a subtle soul who needs your sympathy and compassion. It seems to you that these recommendations are more appropriate for your situation. In the end, leaving the relationship with the narcissist, breaking off contact, is probably too cruel and heartless. LIKELY something can be done to convince him that he can trust you.

When you are satisfied with this hypothesis, you make a well-meaning promise to yourself to follow the few hopeful advice you read in one of your books. Its author is a Doctor of Philosophy, he already knows what to do, doesn't he?

Maybe, but I can't believe something.

I have met strong advice that supposedly “works with the narcissist”: “be strong in what the narcissist shows weakness”. But I did not find confirmation that someone who used it would succeed. Of course, everyone who has contacted a narcissist is free to make their own decisions - they can try to "save the relationship."

Below I have listed five dangerous recommendations that supposedly “work with the narcissist” and explain why they are useless.

1. You can understand the mindset and behavior of a grandiose narcissist through meditation

Everyone who has read my blog knows that I practice guided meditation. This is a good method for contacting your own body, relieving tension, for relaxation and reformatting negative attitudes and delusions.

However, meditation will not help you comprehend the grandiose narcissist's mindset and behavior.

Victims of narcissistic abuse usually have their own traumas, which are compounded by spending their own resources trying to heal the trauma of the narcissistic partner. Victims of narcissistic abuse stumble upon triggers, are constantly in a state of panic, or are faced with a choice: run or defend? It takes a lot of strength to leave your hideout and become a savior for someone else, and then cope with the physiological consequences of re-traumatization.

It is impossible to constantly give away your resources without negative consequences for yourself. You need to be able to draw energy from an environmentally friendly source, direct it to something and replenish when it dries up. With a narcissist, all your resources simply disappear in a black hole, your energy is wasted, your efforts will never be appreciated, you will never hear a word of gratitude from the narcissist.

2. It is important to know whether your narcissist is big or small so you can adjust to it

People tend to attach too much importance to the question "what type of narcissist is this or that."

In the end, the answer to the question is grandiose or insignificant, it may satisfy your curiosity, but delving deeply into this topic to find confirmation of your hypothesis is a waste of time. Why? Because this will not help you avoid abuse and will not change the nature of your relationship.

Believing that the narcissist can be helped is a pernicious illusion. Narcissists tend to stop developing. They are concerned exclusively with immediate needs - this is precisely what explains their impulsive behavior. They usually do not think about the future, do not try to improve themselves, do not strive to be good partners or friends. What really worries them is how to learn how to manipulate others more often in order to satisfy their own desires.

In short, answering the question of what type your partner is - grandiose or insignificant - will help you understand the motives of his behavior, but it will not save you from the fact that you will be chewed and spat out.

3. The narcissist is so crushed by a sense of shame and his own worthlessness that he cannot control himself

This thesis encourages you to take a high bar, put your partner's interests above your own, give him the opportunity to prove himself, to feel better.

A victim of narcissistic abuse tries to please their partner because they believe they cannot control themselves. That is why there is no mutual contribution to the relationship, the balance is not achieved. The victim is invested over and over again because he hopes that "golden days" will come. But they happen so rarely and fly by so fast! The fleeting moment, when the narcissist will turn to the victim with his “good side”, has to wait too long.

For a victim of narcissistic abuse, this can result in chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, high blood pressure, and other problems such as clinical depression or learned helplessness. Trying to help the narcissist overcome feelings of shame and imperfection further traumatizes the victim, especially since the narcissist is prone to self-affirmation through verbal humiliation of the partner.

What can the attempts to adapt to the inappropriate behavior of the “driven by unconscious motives” of the narcissist lead to and become for him “a boy or girl for whipping”? Many people who took this path ended up losing their jobs, home, child custody … or worse, seriously ill.

It's worth it?

4. Tightly maintaining one's own boundaries allows you to resist narcissistic aggression and ignorance

If you find material that says that protecting your boundaries in a relationship with a narcissist can help counteract aggression and ignorance (usually taught in the process of family therapy), then very soon you will discover how useless this advice is.

My experience of working with clients who were in a narcissistic relationship, and the results of numerous studies I have conducted show that there is not a single example of the effectiveness of this method. This tip doesn't work!

First, setting boundaries in a relationship with a narcissist tends to generate narcissistic anger directed at the partner. Or the narcissist pretends to agree to the conditions so that later, at the first opportunity, he can inflict a crushing blow on the sly, when the partner least expects it.

Further … The narcissist does not go to therapy to correct his deficiencies (to improve his relationship with you). He goes to a therapist for his own purposes. Therefore, trying to learn to maintain your boundaries in a relationship with a narcissist will lead to the following: 1) you will waste your time and money, 2) get stuck in a relationship that is doomed to failure sooner or later, and 3) it is very likely that you will feel that way. crazy”, for which your partner keeps you.

It is important to consider that in order to deceive their narc resource provider, the narcissist will be able to reliably portray a desire to undergo therapy. After studying psychological terminology, he later uses it in his arsenal to turn the situation upside down: he is the victim, and the partner is the aggressor.

Personal therapy can be effective for you if you work with a therapist to deal with feelings of anxiety or depression. But don't use a narcissistic partner if you really want to improve your condition.

5. The narcissist is emotionally flawed and desperately needs your help

This may be true, however, the irony is that the assistance provided will never be sufficient to produce positive results and the satisfaction of the provider. Many desire, hope and try to positively influence the life of the narcissist, but as a result they find themselves face to face with the opened abyss. And because narcissists are great at pretending, they mimic positive changes in order to then hit the victim more painfully.

Years of experience from my clients suggest that the decision to stay in a relationship with a narcissist or to rebuild a relationship after breaking up was a mistake. All victims then regret this decision.

Does this mean that narcissists should be avoided, left alone? The decision is yours.

Catch 22 is that only strong personalities, with a healthy sense of self-esteem, adequate emotional responses, and the ability to create sustainable relationships, can safely communicate with narcissists. Fortunately, it is these very people who usually competently build boundaries and quickly part with narcissists because of their selfishness, propensity for exploitation and various types of abuse. That is why narcissists look for people with vulnerabilities, internal traumas, which victims try to heal with the approval of the narcissistic partner - they look for those who are full of fear or anxiety, who are ready to help and save.

If this description is anything like you, you shouldn't stay in a relationship with a narcissist.

I am convinced that maintaining a relationship with a narcissist will sooner or later lead to self-destruction of the victim. The most a loving person can do for a narcissist is

part with him, because this is the only effective way to make him understand that he will not get what he wants from you, and this may prompt him to look for a different way of being. However, keep in mind that even if the narcissist does change, it won't be long. Soon he will again become what he was before - a manipulator and a parasite - because he is not able to think for a long time, "what is good and what is bad", is not ready to make efforts to become better … he is only enough for a couple of steps.

Sirin translation (from SHRM)

Original: