Traumatized Person. How To Heal

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What is "personality"? This is a person's idea of himself, which has developed as a result of his life experience. It is an image of yourself. It is shaped like a diamond cut by life's circumstances. The appearance of a diamond changes, new facets appear, but sometimes a person does not notice that he is no longer the same as before. He continues to retain the original idea of himself, formed in childhood under the influence of significant loved ones, and this phenomenon is called infantilism. Infantilism is a rejection of maturity, as the ability to perceive the World in accordance with the Principle of reality, and therefore from the ability to change it, in accordance with your desires, using the power of will and intention.

Learn more about the formation and signs of mental trauma.

How does the relationship and life of such a person develop?

The traumatized person most often turns out to be an acting character in Karpman's dramatic triangle (Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor).

If a person enters at least one of the roles, he will move from one role to another within the dramatic triangle. Breaking out of triangular roles is often a separate and complex task and is described below.

Let us now examine these roles in more detail.

Victim … Immediately, we note that it is necessary to distinguish between the victim and the "Victim". The victim is the one with whom the tragic episode occurred. The victim is the one who benefits from his perceived helplessness. The person begins to play a role.

By the way, in order to start playing the role of the Victim, it is not at all necessary to be really hurt. This behavioral pattern can be unconsciously copied from one of the parents and learned as a winning one.

So, you are observing or playing the role of the Victim if:

- demonstrate helplessness and believe that everyone should help you, feel sorry, sympathize. This does not happen episodically (which is characteristic of any close relationship where we receive sympathy, care, support), but is the core of any relationship, the only purpose of which is to gain benefits. Moral or material;

- build your life in such a way as to avoid re-injury. It is not common sense that is leading, but fear. A person totally avoids the place, people of the situation, causing tension.

Benefits of the Victim, on the social level, are receiving, so necessary for every person, “stroking” in the form of sympathy, forgiveness. This is the role of irresponsibility. It often manifests itself in the psychological game "Yes, but …". Surely you have observed and participated in such communication, when one person begins to complain about difficult life circumstances, and you begin to advise him what you can do with them, and in response you hear “Yes, but … and a lot of reasons why he cannot do. You try to find another way out and hear again: “Yes, but.. and so on ad infinitum. Until you start to feel like a complete fool. This is a vile feeling of being used. Such a person does not need an exit, advice. On a psychological level, he needs to win his game by devaluing your efforts.

In the family, the role of the Victim can be played by any member of the family: a mother who has taken upon herself all the responsibilities of the house and does not allow anyone who offers her help: “I’d better do it myself, otherwise you’ll ruin everything!”. A dad who grew up in a large family with an alcoholic father and this fact gives him the right to receive a particularly respectful attitude. A child spoiled by his parents who has been sick since childhood and will never recover while it is beneficial for him to be sick.

How is the victim brought up? The Professional Victim is formed by the Rescuer. These roles are not one without the other.

Rescuer - this is the person who, at the social level, tries to help everyone, is engaged more in the affairs and concerns of others than his own. On a psychological level, he tries to help himself through others.

It is also necessary to distinguish between professions that involve professional assistance: doctors, psychologists, firefighters, Ministry of Emergencies, etc., let's call them Professional Rescuers. And "Rescuers", playing a role, who consider it their duty to help people. Now I mean those who always know exactly what the other needs, how he should act and what should not be done. Often they are not asked for help, but this does not stop them.

In fact, the Rescuer, like the professional Victim, reaps significant psychological benefits from this role. And just as it is necessary to distinguish between the victim and the Victim, it is important to distinguish between the person who helps you and the “Rescuer”. The second is interested not in really helping, but in getting the psychological benefits due to him for his role. And the benefits are as follows.

The Rescuer is motivated to benefit from:

- he thus feeds his significance;

- he gets the eternal appreciation and addiction of The Sacrifice.

It is common for Rescuers to sacrifice themselves when no one asks for it, and then reproach others for their ingratitude, most often members of their family. In fact, this is a very destructive relationship, most painful for children who already feel their dependence on their parents, but when their childish, healthy dependence is reproached for them, an unhealed wound remains for life. As an adult, a wounded child cannot get rid of unbearable feelings of guilt and resentment, unspoken anger. He cannot afford joy and pleasure in life. This is how addictions are formed: alcoholism, drug addiction, etc.

When the Rescuer rebukes his ingratitude, he turns into a Persecutor. The persecutor shows veiled violence when he forces his ward to do something, saying: "You will thank me again!" With food, violence is most often manifested: "Well, eat another spoon!". Or when parents interfere with their children's relationships, interests. cutting them off from the opportunity to gain their own experience. This is how a new Sacrifice turns out.

Former Victims become rescuers. Unconsciously afraid to face their own problems, their own pain, powerlessness, they methodically try to heal themselves through others. This process reminds me of playing with dolls. Watching how a child plays with a doll, you can, without being a professional, see all the problems of this child. If the child has a stomach ache - he will treat the doll's belly, if the child has visited the dentist - he will certainly treat the doll's teeth, if the child has been physically abused - he will beat the doll.

It is possible to trace how the Victim turns into the Persecutor on the example of a sickly child spoiled from childhood who turns his parents into his slaves, forcing him to fulfill any whims. For older people, this also often applies when they begin to be capricious, demanding more and more attention from their children.

In essence, all life becomes a struggle for a place in the triangle. The fairy tale about Little Red Riding Hood perfectly illustrates this relationship. Little Red Riding Hood, for example, is the victim of the Wolf pursuing her until she is rescued by the Hunters. As a result, she herself turns into the Persecutor, pushing stones into his stomach, now the Victim is the Wolf.

To get out of it,

The victim needs to take responsibility for his life and give up the lucrative learned helplessness. Those. make your own choice and stay with the consequences of that choice. Without throwing responsibility on anyone

The rescuer needs to deal with feelings of guilt and resentment (find the reasons for the occurrence in the past and respond to the child's situation, where the parents were most likely incapable in their parental role or were unable to maintain healthy relationships in the family. integrate the traumatic experience into the patient's personality

The persecutor needs to acknowledge his aggression, learn to recognize it and use it correctly. To use it correctly is to protect your personal boundaries in relationships, achieve your goals, get results in sports, business, etc

I hope the reader will forgive a somewhat simplified model for solving such a difficult task as contact and work with psychological trauma. It takes years in psychotherapy. Minimum 1 - 3 years. For every trauma patient, all roles need to be traced and learned to emerge from them.

Illustration: Victoria Belova "The Third Way"

List of used literature:

E. Bern "Beyond Games and Scenarios."

M. E. Cherepanova “Psychological stress. Help yourself and your child."