"Shards Of Violence" Or "Why Am I Yelling At My Children ?!"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why does a woman who loves her children, takes care of them and protects them in every possible way, suddenly turn into an angry monster and do something, after which she experiences a terrible feeling of guilt?

Where do these fragments of violence come from in us? Why, being of sound mind and solid memory, we are, for the most part, reasonable, caring parents, but as soon as we enter a state of stress, how the roof can be blown off, and we begin to do those things that we then greatly regret?

“When my son was 4 years old, he did not want to eat and sat for a long time over a plate of porridge. I took him into the bathroom and poured the porridge over his head. Back then, I thought I was doing exactly the right thing. Many years have passed, but this story does not let me go. I remember her with horror and incredible pity for my son. My poor boy. Was I in my mind? …”(story reproduced with permission)

Now, many years later, this woman is able to admit that pouring porridge on a child's head is madness, and she feels compassion for her son and guilt for her act. But then, at that moment, she was absolutely sure that she was doing the right thing.

at the moment when the “bar falls”, when a person begins to commit aggressive actions with his children and loved ones, it is at this moment that he believes that he is doing the right thing

When a woman screams and thrashes her baby, who does not want to go to kindergarten, or has just fallen down and dirty his overalls; when yelling and punishing for deuces; when they are beaten with a belt for disobedience - at all these moments people believe that they are doing the right thing. There are those who rationalize their actions even after, explaining that beating a child was the best way out. "Yes, and nothing terrible happened to him, he brought it out himself, etc."

Of course, the depth of domestic violence varies. Somewhere children are severely punished for any offense, somewhere they get it emotionally, constantly ridiculing and humiliating the child, somewhere mom and dad sometimes break loose, yell and punish unfairly, which they later regret.

the purpose of my article is to explain what happens to a person at this moment and why. so that you, faced with such a reaction in yourself, could recognize it and stop yourself in time

To begin with, a person remembers any experience that happens to him. And the traumatic experience, the experience of emotional or physical abuse against us, we do not just remember. This experience splits, changes our personality. We remember that we were bullied, and we also remember our feelings of a helpless victim. 72 hours after committing violence against a person, a sacrificial part is encapsulated in his personality, now in one of his parts he is a Victim. But we also remember the rapist, the person who did this to us. We do not just remember it, but we make a cast from it, its "backup copy". This cast will now always be stored in us. Will become one of the parts of our identity, our “inner rapist”. In another part of ourselves, we are the Rapist.

People who have been in contact with violence in childhood have a memory of violence and at the moment of stress, at the moment of a similar situation, when a defenseless creature is nearby, the victim may behave like a rapist who committed this to them.

A woman who poured porridge on her child's head recalled that as a child, in the nursery where she was taken, it was a common practice. She does not remember whether they poured porridge on her head, but she remembers that she saw it for sure, and how the porridge was poured into her bosom and tights. When similar circumstances developed in her life - here she is an adult aunt, and next to a small child refusing to eat porridge, she suddenly became the very same Baba Manya - a nurse from a nursery. She became her. Her "inner rapist" woke up in her. And she played a script from her childhood, becoming a rapist for her child.

Men who beat their wives and children have had a history of violent childhood abuse. No, they do not avenge their suffering. They just fall into their "inner rapist", and at this moment they come only from this part of their personality.

I recently watched the movie "Schindler's List" (1993). It tells the real story of a German businessman who, during the Second World War, rescues 1,200 Jews - men, women and children. Watching the terrifying footage of this film, I asked myself the question: "Why does anyone manage to remain human in this general madness?" People who have no experience of violence in childhood are not tempted by the smell of blood, the groans of victims in them do not awaken the inner rapist. They simply do not have it. This is the very place to remember the well-known truth: "Violence generates only violence."

Some of us experienced abuse in childhood, some only emotional, some physical, and some sexual. And then in our hearts are the fragments of violence that capture the entire horror that happened to us. In circumstances close to the original, these fragments come to life and can cloud our minds - we are already looking at the world and the one who is next to us, not with our own eyes, but with the eyes of Baba Mani or an embittered father or a cold, contemptuous mother. We become the person who once did this to us. Not worth it. You should not clone violence, pass it on like a baton to your child, so that he can pass it on to his children. Thank God, modern society now maintains a humane attitude towards children, fewer and fewer people with foam at the mouth will defend the usefulness of physical measures or raise babies according to Spock. Now it is customary to talk with children, take into account their needs, and listen to their children. We are more and more imbued with useful information, becoming smarter and kinder. But what we have learned in our adult life and are learning now is only a thin crust over the dark abyss of the unconscious. No, no, yes, and the monsters will raise their heads, and Baba Manya will wave a wet rag and her mother will burst out: “What do you want my death ?!”

Everything is written down, everything is remembered, nothing can be erased. But you can notice in yourself, track and differentiate where I speak, and where is my mother or grandmother.

And let it be more than your own. Kind, real, alive and loving, respecting himself and his children.