2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Kanskaya Ksenia
One of the most common requests in therapy lately is for help in coping with a situation of cheating and jealousy.
So. I'll start with a trivial question. Why do people get married? French psychoanalysts, during their internship in Paris, answered this question very succinctly and clearly: "People unite in pairs, get married in order to be treated for each other." That is, people unconsciously choose each other and unite in a pair to work out their personal neurosis. The complementarity of neuroses is that invisible base that forms a pair. People, without realizing it, read each other for the complementarity of the leading topics that will be worked out in the relationship.
Further. How does this happen?
The brilliant English psychoanalyst, the founder of psychoanalysis of married couples, Henry Dix, on the basis of his numerous studies, concludes:
entering into a relationship, a person seeks to project his infantile part into another, with the expectation that the other will grow up, modify it and return it in a more mature and holistic form.
This is what each of us knows:
"Decide for me"
"Do it for me"
"Calm me down instead of me doing it for myself", "Organize a trip for me, instead of myself doing it for myself", "Make me money, instead of me doing it for myself," and so on. etc. - all of these are numerous examples of the projection of the infantile part, with the expectation of its growth through a partner.
And it may happen that in the process of personal growth and the acquisition of a greater degree of psychological maturity (which, by the way, in a couple can happen unevenly for everyone), a more advanced partner refuses to take on infantile projections. And then there is a high probability of a break in the pair.
Further. Every betrayal grows out of splitting.
Actually, four groups of reasons for betrayal can be distinguished (each of which, at the same time, can be a way to maintain control over a weaker object):
1. Perception of a spouse as an incestuous object from a personal splitting that changes, distorts his perception (that is, roughly, it is not the wife who positions herself as a "mother", it is he, from his distorted split perception, can see her as an incestous object). In this case, the split person makes the spouse in his picture of the world a parent object, on which incest is superimposed. And then, for example, the wife becomes a taboo object, in relation to which the potency decreases.
2. The second reason is the perception of the spouse as a carrier of the Superego. It is important to understand that in this role, in this place, the spouse is being pushed. And then cheating is a rebellion against the Superego. "The spouse is the embodiment of morality; the lover is the embodiment of vice."
3. Reason three - the presence of one of the partners of the splitting of libido.
Splitting libido is when an unconscious conviction firmly lives in a person's head: "What can be done with a mistress, God forbid, is allowed with a wife." And it does not even occur to him to do all this in the family. Then we have: in the family - the norm; on the side of perversion. This is the so-called "harlot madona" complex, well described in the literature.
What is the basis of libido splitting? In his work "On the humiliation of love life" Freud describes in detail and in detail the phenomenology and roots of this phenomenon: the splitting of libido is based on the separation of the tender and sensual sides of libido, when a person cannot experience passion and tenderness and lust for the same object and respect. And then, in a split person, these currents of libido are multidirectional: tenderness to one object, lust to another object. Attraction to one, to another… - a feeling of guilt. While it is normal, in humans, these two currents of libido are combined. And even deeper behind this is the fixation of the gentle flow of libido on the maternal object, which the person did not transfer in time (in adolescence) to a non-incestuous object. This is how Freud explains this phenomenon in his work.
4. The fourth reason: treason is an attempt to break out of a symbiotic family, an attempt at separation. Well, everything seems to be clear here)
Real life situations illustrate the reproduction of the same schemes. So, for example, a split man, regardless of who he ultimately chooses - to stay with his wife or go to his mistress - will again and again reproduce the situation of the triangle, in which he will push two women "foreheads".
Thus, what at first glance seems to be an accidental, fleeting betrayal, in fact, may have rather deep reasons.
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