2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"They only betray their own" French proverb
One of the most traumatic experiences is the pain of betrayal. Such an event can radically change life - a person ceases to trust, becomes isolated. Betrayal is most often considered treason, but it can be abandonment in trouble and failure to fulfill previously assumed obligations.
Surely you will find more than one case of betrayal or meanness in your life. If you are reading this article, then perhaps your heart is still breaking from unbearable pain …
And the reason for this pain is not that you were betrayed, but that you
- "Let him take care of my well-being and safety." For example, after getting married, a woman leaves her job “for the sake of” her husband and children. It takes 20 years, the children have grown, the husband changed "one for 40 to two for 20". The woman was left alone at the "broken trough". Who's guilty? A scoundrel husband? Imagine - no, woman! After all, it was she herself who refused to realize her goals, to independently solve life problems, practically betrayed herself. Whether it was convenient for her to hand over the reins from her own life to her husband, or whether she succumbed to his persuasions, now does not matter.
- Or a man does not care about maintaining relationships, about their depth and interpersonal closeness. “Did I bring my salary home? What else do you want? You are mad about fat! " At some point, a woman gets tired of the "one-sided game" and starts a relationship with a man for whom she is QUEEN! Who's guilty? Cheating woman? No, a man who decided that she should and must fulfill her functions as a wife - a multifunctional household system. And the woman turns out to be "also a man" who has her own desires and needs …
- That's right, not yours, but yours. And he satisfies yours if you ask him about it and he has the ability and desire to satisfy them. Of course, by manipulation, you can force a person to do something for you against his wishes and beyond his capabilities. But the relationship does not get better from this …
- And you enter into a relationship in order to satisfy your needs, no matter how altruism you hide behind. By sacrificing, you hoped to receive love or recognition of your merits and deeds. Only servility, sacrifice and salvation ALWAYS lead to the destruction of the relationship.
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Very often among the spouses you can hear the following dialogue:
-I gave you the best years of my life, youth, beauty … And you !!!
-
You missed the trust-breaking signs. When you are in love, you find hundreds of excuses for your partner's unseemly actions or, in extreme cases, pretend that you do not know / have not seen / were not aware. At the same time, you are convinced that it is he who behaves this way with others, and with you - he is different. He will never do that to you! I dare to disappoint you: people don't change. They use the same behavior strategy in all areas of their lives. And as soon as the opportunity arises, he will do the same to you. For example, a woman talking about a divorce complains that it took her a year and a lot of money to defend her property invested in the “family boiler”. Discussing her family life, we managed to find out that it turns out that her (then still future) husband "threw" his partner, took what was bad and could not keep his word. In family life, this did not really bother her, because her husband carried everything into the house. But as soon as the conversation about divorce came up, she found herself on the other side of the barricades: now he did not keep his word, took what he considered his own and decided to leave her without her property.
One of the most important skills in life is sensitivity to signs that destroy trust and quickly adjusting your behavior and relationships.
Transferred OUR responsibility to another person:
You had expectations and assumptions
Girls very often think something like this: "I will marry a strong and generous, and I will be loved and happy." Therefore, she EXPECTS and EXPECTS from the other person of a certain behavior. And when he meets in life "someone", endows him in his imagination with the desired features, ascribes them to him, is enchanted and … falls in love! Time passes, and the actions of a loved one are contrary to expectations. The girl is disappointed and for some reason decides that her beloved has deceived her. He most likely did not cheat (unless, of course, he is a marriage swindler), he was himself. And in fact, she never loved him, she was in love with her illusions. And she was not ready for a meeting with a real person. So he goes through life, sorting out partners and every time making sure that there are no "real" men. " And people are just real, not fictional
You have forgotten that the other person is different
You merged with him into a single whole and began to identify him with yourself. Therefore, any behavior that deviates from yours feels like foreign. “How could he do that, because I don’t do that!” "He was jinxed, bewitched …" The mental pain at this moment is hellish! After all, if you walk with a person along the road of life, holding your hand, then if you open your palms, there may be a burn, but not fatal. It will hurt, hurt and heal. And you can again look for a life partner. And if they merged? That feeling is as if you were skinned alive. Such a wound does not heal for a lifetime. It is impossible to find yourself in a new relationship. Where, among strangers, to find new skin?
Have you ever thought that EVERY person enters into a relationship to meet their needs
- Who asked you? The husband asks. He's really at a loss. He didn't ask. He got married because he wanted to see a beautiful woman next to him. And the fact that you decided to sacrifice your life and interests is your personal right, not his desire.
You interpret the other person's actions as meanness
Why did you decide that human behavior is directly related to you? I assure you, he is not thinking about you at this moment! He thinks ABOUT HIMSELF - about his problems, acts in his own interests. He has no intention of hurting or betraying. A person makes a decision that is most beneficial for him
You don't know what marriage or relationship is
By definition, marriage is a VOLUNTARY union of two INDEPENDENT and DEFINITELY people (that is, able to live without a partner and guardianship), voluntarily undertaking obligations. Therefore, since the connection and obligations are voluntary, then the person is WILLING at ANY moment to leave the relationship and not fulfill the obligation, whether it is convenient for you or not, whether you expect it or not. And it is desirable for you to be at this moment a viable person. After all, if you are incapacitated or not independent, then you do not need a partner, but a person carrying out guardianship. It so often happens that "they confused everything", looked for a surrogate for mom or dad, and entered into a marriage or love relationship … What does the "scoundrel" and "traitor" have to do with it?
I, considering myself as an adult, bear responsibility for my life and respect the right of another person to act in their own interests. Therefore, it is impossible to betray me or make me mean. Which is what I wish for you.
And if your soul hurts, come to a consultation or the Learning to Love Yourself or Happiness as a Way of Life program to reassemble yourself for a healthy, fulfilling life.
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