2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Once I came across a page of humor in a psychological magazine and began collecting jokes about psychologists. I decided to share the most successful ones here. Let's laugh together! And whoever wants to, share your funny stories about psychologists in the comments …
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? For a patient complaining of insomnia, the psychiatrist will prescribe sleeping pills, and the psychologist will advise you to count sheep.
You are a real psychologist if:
1) In response to a friend's request for a headache pill, you make him remember all the times in his life when he had a headache.
2) After the director's order about your dismissal, you tell your colleagues that apparently he was greatly offended in childhood, and this became the reason for making impulsive decisions.
3) When the hooligans start fighting on the bus, you go up to them and ask how they feel about the Bible.
4) When a passer-by is asked how to find house 12 on Lenin Street, you show him the way to house 34 on Gorky Street and explain that this is the most correct route!
5) To the question "how old are you" you answer with a smile: "How old do you think? Although you do not think at all that someone wants to think about it!"
6) In response to the complaints of a plump woman that she was called a "fat cow", you say that she is simply envied!
7) After transferring you to a lower position, you remember the movie "The Godfather" - which says that the most advantageous position is when the enemy exaggerates your shortcomings!
8) You prove to the woman that she has a great sense of humor, although you cringe when she tells an anecdote.
Psychological center answering machine: - Hello, you are welcomed by the "Peace with you" psychological health center, - If you have obsessive-convulsive psychosis, press key 1 until the spasm appears.
- If you have a split personality, press keys 2 and 3 at the same time.
- If you have a persecution mania, then we already know who you are, what you do in life and what you want, so stay on the line until we figure out where you are calling from.
- If you are suffering from hallucinations, press the 4 key and you (and only you) will see an orange crocodile on your right.
- If you are a schizophrenic, ask an imaginary friend to press key 5 for you.
- If you have depression, it doesn't matter which key you press, it still won't change anything, your case is hopeless, and nothing can help you …
- If you suffer from indecision, leave a message after the tone; or before the signal; or during a signal; in general, as you like.
- If you have pathological greed, then hang up immediately, as this is a paid call.
- If you have low self-esteem, please call back later, since now all our operators are busy with people more worthy than you.
Doctor, I constantly talk to myself
- Do you interfere with your family?
- No, I live alone.
- So talk to your health.
- Yes, but I'm such a bore …
A psychologist talks to a parent about raising a son:
- You bring him up too strictly.
- Why?
- When I asked his name, he answered - Vova Stop.
A lecture on psychology begins at the university. Professor:
- A person is in three states. Let's consider a specific example. Taking a phone out of his briefcase, the professor dials the first available number:
- Hello, can you please Vasya?
- You know, this one does not live here …
- It's just a slight surprise.
Dials the number again.
- Hello, did Vasya come up?
- He said, there are no such …
- This is an irritated state.
Dials the number for the third time:
- Well, call Vasya what you need …
- Fuck you!..
Hangs up:
- And this is anger …
A student gets up from the first desk.
- Sorry, professor, but you have forgotten the fourth state.
- What is it?
- A state of awesomeness.
Approaching the pulpit, the young man dials the number.
- Good afternoon. This is Vasya. Nobody called me?
The psychologist:
- You know, my mother-in-law is blind from birth, plus she is very greedy and constantly suspects us that we do not love her. She thinks that we put a lot of food for ourselves, but we don't report to her …
- You take and cook a few kilograms of dumplings and put it all at once - so that she is convinced of your love.
The client did just that: he cooked 10 kg. dumplings, put in a bowl and served on the table. The mother-in-law groped, examined the contents of the basin, and then indignantly declared:
- I can imagine how much you have imposed on yourself!
The psychoanalyst asks the client:
- Tell me, did you accidentally have a dream last night?
- I don't know, maybe I was dreaming …
- Maybe you saw a fish in a dream?
- No … no …
- And what did you dream about?
- Well, I was walking down the street …
- And there were puddles in the ditches?
- Well, I do not know…
- Well, could they be there?
- I suppose, in a ditch or somewhere else, maybe there were puddles …
- Could there be fish in these puddles?
- No no…
- Was there a restaurant on the street in your dream? You were walking down the street, weren't you?
- Well, maybe there was a restaurant there …
- Did you serve fish in the restaurant?
- Well, I suppose the restaurant could …
- Aha! I knew it! Fish in a dream! Fish in a dream!
At the train station, a girl with a heavy suitcase draws with a guilty smile to the man walking next to him, who turned out to be a psychologist:
- Sorry … Could you help me?
- Yes, sure! Tell us about your problems …
“Eh… I’m… A suitcase! - there was a girl.
- Hmm … An interesting case … - said the psychologist.
How many psychologists does it take to replace one light bulb?
Psychoanalyst:
- It depends on the depth of the injury that was received by the bulb earlier.
Gestalt therapist:
- We must first find out to what extent the light bulb itself is ready for changes.
Behavioral Psychologist:
- And what is the purpose of the proposed replacement ?! It is impossible to move forward without a goal!
Fairytale therapist:
- In a certain Kingdom, in a certain state there lived a Lightbulb …
NLP practitioner:
- Why do we need to change the light bulb ?! We make the room brighter, brighter, brighter …
The therapist asks the client:
- Do you talk to yourself?
- Yes.
- I do not recommend!
- Why?
- Because you can tell yourself something wrong, be offended and then not talk to yourself for a whole week!
Conversation of two psychologists:
- Colleague, do you by any chance know what Hellinger is dreaming of?
- To rearrange the furniture in the apartment …
A psychoanalyst is having lunch at a restaurant … A stranger approaches him and slaps him in the face. The psychoanalyst thought for a second, and with the words - "this is not my problem," continued lunch.
Acute psychosis - I'm seriously talking to the cat
Acute psychosis, complicated by hallucinations - I'm talking to a non-existent cat.
Paranoia - I'm afraid to blurt out too much in front of the cat.
Schizophrenia - the cat speaks inside me.
Neurasthenia - the cat ignores me, and it's completely unbearable!
Manic-depressive psychosis - my inner cat doesn't appreciate me!
A client comes to a psychologist:
- I have a problem's!
- You have problems.
- I hate myself !!
- You have self-loathing.
- I want to commit suicide !!!
- You are ready to commit suicide.
The client walks to the window and is thrown out of the twelfth floor. Psychologist:
- Splash, chpok …
The psychologist asks the client:
- Tell me, are you really a very indecisive person?
- How do you say … yes and no.
Dad in the store cannot buy his son an overly expensive toy … He - yelling, falls to the floor, begins to beat in hysterics. The people are gathering. Father is terrified - what to do ?! Suddenly he sees a sign "Psychologist". Son by the scruff of the neck, and - there. The psychologist politely asks dad to come out for a minute. Exactly a minute later, the son returns and, wiping away his tears, asks his father for forgiveness. On the way home, dad is curious - how did the psychologist manage to calm the child so quickly? Finally he breaks down and asks his son about it.
- Yes, so … - he says, - promised to kick his ears, if I don't stop …
Job interview with a psychologist:
- Do you have a mental health certificate?
- Unfortunately no. On the way here, the Martians took it away.
- I'm afraid I'm losing my wife, - the man complains to the psychologist.
- Is she avoiding you? - he asks.
- No, absolutely not, - the man replies, - she meets me at the door when I come home. My shirts are always carefully ironed, she cooks well, the house is always clean. She even lets me watch all of my programs on TV and never gives up on my perverted sex needs.
- So what's the problem? !!!
- Perhaps I am too sensitive, - says the man, - but in the evening, when I go to bed, and my wife is sure that I fell asleep, she often whispers in my ear: "God, when will you finally die!"
Helpline. The exhausted psychologist-consultant has been talking for the fourth hour with a man who has a terrible depression:
- Have you thought about suicide?
- No…
- And you think, think!
One mother came to a psychologist with complaintsthat her seven-year-old son is driving her crazy.
“You are too worried about him,” the doctor said, “so I advise you to take regularly sedative decoctions.
Two weeks later, the lady is again at the reception.
- Well, how are you? Have you calmed down?
“Yes,” she replied.
- And how is your son?
- Who is interested in this?
The plumber fixes the sink in the psychologist's office and says:
- From you five thousand rubles.
- You need money?
- Sure…
- Want to talk about it?
The World Congress of Psychoanalysts is underway. Final banquet. Two psychoanalyst professors are talking sedately. ALL OF A SUDDEN! The door swings open, and an unshaven, slovenly dressed man with matted hair and burning eyes rushes into the hall. Insanely looking around the room, he chooses a victim and rushes to one of the psychoanalysts. Grabs him by the breasts, shakes, lets go, shakes again. All this time, the person incoherently shouts:
- You! You!!! Vvvyyy !!!
Then, already in complete frenzy, he grabs a glass of wine from the tray and splashes it in the psychoanalyst's face, from the same tray he rips off a piece of cake and voluptuously smears it on the psychoanalyst's face and shirt-front. Pause. The psychoanalyst takes off his stained pince-nez and begins to gently wipe it down. After carefully wiping it, he puts the pince-nez back in place and sympathetically says to the rude man:
- Yes, my friend, well, you have problems.
Two psychologists ride bicycles then one of them fell. Lies, groans, blood flows from the knee. Another approaches him and says:
- You fell! It hurts you! Do you want to talk about it?
Every day two psychologists meet and greet:
- Hello!
- Hello!
And so, day after day, week after week:
- Hello!
- Hello!
And then one day:
- Hello!
- Good morning!
-And what happened?
Psychologist to client:
- Well, how do you feel the results of our work with you?
Client:
- You see, before I was tormented by various questions. And now they are tormented by different answers.
A psychologist asks a salesman patient complaining of insomnia:
- Have you tried the old remedy - lying in bed with your eyes closed, mentally imagining a herd of rams and counting them?
- I tried it, but it turned out even worse.
- Why?
- Having counted the drums, I load them onto the train, take them to the slaughterhouse and sell them. And then I suffer all night to see if I’ve made it cheaper.
The psychologists decided to conduct one experiment. During the experiment, the subject had to punch in the face of a specially hired person. The Englishman beats first. When asked what he was thinking, he replied:
- I wonder if I acted decently by hitting a person in the face, even if it was an experiment.
The second is hit by a German. When asked what he is thinking, he answers:
- I wonder if I did the job in good faith.
Russian beats third. From his blow, the man falls. The Russian is naturally asked the same question, and he answers:
- I think: maybe he has another foot?
The psychologist is different from the psychiatrist, like a crazy day from a madhouse.
Client at a psychologist's appointment:
- Why does everyone say that I have delusions of grandeur?
- And who are you, actually?
- I'm genius. Just a genius.
- Enough, you don't have to continue. You don't have delusions of grandeur. We geniuses do not suffer from this.
An experienced psychologist asks a young colleague:
- Tell me, what is the difference between psychosis and neurosis?
The young psychologist begins to name the symptoms, feverishly recalling the institute course. The old psychologist listens carefully and then says:
- It's very simple, colleague. In psychosis, the statement "2 + 2 = 4" causes a slight grin, and in neurosis - strong anxiety.
Two psychologists meet:
- Oh, Vasya, how glad I am to see you! What a luxurious raincoat you are wearing! And you began to look much better, Vasya, pulled yourself up, looked younger. You can see right away, Vasya, you have a good wife. And by your blue clear eyes I can see that your children are good students. And I met with your boss yesterday, Vasya, and he praised you very much. Oh-oh-oh, Vasya, what a tie you are wearing! You are a big original, Vasya. It is so pleasant to communicate with you, Vasya, at once it is clear that you are a man of great mind, extraordinary. Vasya attracts you straight to you … Well … Now tell me how good everything is with me !!!
Psychologist: I strictly told you that you can drink no more than one hundred grams a day? !!!
Client: Yeah, do you think that I am only being treated with you?
Psychologists talk:
- Well, how are you doing with that guy?
- Yes, he was completely cured of paranoia, but then he was shot …
Client to a psychologist:
- My husband constantly complains that I cook tasteless …
Psychologist:
- And you feed him twice a week.
A client comes to psychologu. The psychologist says affectionately: "I ask you to sit down and tell us about all your worries."
-Oh, you are my last hope. Borrow me 100 rubles before payday.
What is the difference between a phlegmatic person and a choleric person?
The phlegmatic person assumes that 2 + 2 = 5 and is calm, while the choleric person is sure that 2 + 2 = 4, but is nervous.
The professional consultant asks the businessman has a feedback in six months: - Have you followed my recommendations?
- Yes, your nephew is now the director of my firm.
A movie star comes to a psychologist:
- I was advised to contact you to take a test for my acting ability.
- I do not see the need for this - I saw your last film.
Two psychologists meet:
- Yes, life knocked me down - I haven’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t eat fat for five years. And how are you?
- And mine is better! I have the same thing, only two years!
After his death, Jung went to heaven. Apostle Paul meets him:
- What are you doing here?!! All psychotherapists go to hell!
Jung looked over the shoulder of the apostle Paul and saw that in paradise Freud was jumping over a rope. He asks:
- But what about Freud? He's also a psychotherapist!
Apostle Paul, confidentially:
- Between us, well, what Freud is a psychotherapist?..
A woman psychologist was attacked on the street late at night by a robberb. Hit her, took the bag and ran away. She, with difficulty getting to her feet, says with sympathy: - Wow, so young, and so many problems …
Two psychoanalysts are talking:
- You know, I had the most interesting slip of the tongue today.
- Which?
- I wanted to say: "Darling, please give me some tea", but it turned out: "Bitch, you ruined my whole life!"
Client - at the exit from the psychologist:
- And as soon as this insignificance managed to cure me of an inferiority complex?..
A psychologist addressing a client:
- Tell me, did your inferiority complex appear suddenly, or developed naturally, in connection with marriage and paternity?..
The client comes to the psychoanalyst and asks to interpret her dream:
- Imagine, Jung comes and offers me a banana, and that one is so green, unripe - I refused. Then Adler comes and offers his banana - and that one is so overripe, covered in specks - I thanked him and refused … And then you and your banana come - so ripe, good - I ate it. What do you think this would mean?
- Well, my dear, not all dreams mean something …
Psychotherapist - to the client:
- What delusions of grandeur can YOU talk about, pathetic, despicable KLOP ?!
Client - psychotherapist:
- My wife and I have a psychological problem. But we cannot afford to visit you together for material reasons. Please tell me what will be cheaper: to cure my inferiority complex or my wife's superiority complex?
Psychologists are talking on the street. A man approaches them:
- Hello, gentlemen, psychologists!
- Hello.
- Where is your colleague?
- What colleague?
- Yes, the one who said that my problem is that I am not able to kill even a fly ?!
Students ask an experienced psychotherapist:
- Tell me, who is better - a male psychologist or a female psychologist?
- It depends on which side you look at. A woman psychologist is not a psychologist, and a man psychologist is not a man …
The psychologist talks to the client:
- Let's look at the causes of your neurosis. Tell me, what do you work for?
- I'm sorting oranges.
- What is it like?
- It's simple. There is a huge chute with oranges rolling along it. And I sort them: big - into the first basket, smaller - into the second and the smallest - into the third.
- So what's the deal? You have such a quiet job …
- Don't you understand that I constantly, every second, have to make decisions, decisions, decisions!..
A psychotherapist for an annoying client:
- I repeat to you for the hundredth time - amnesia is not treated here!
The client asks the psychologist:
- My seventeen-year-old son is so carried away by the computer that he even sleeps beside him! Advise how to distract him?
- O! There are many ways: women, alcohol, drugs …
One of the questions in the questionnaire: "Have you ever been to a psychologist?" Answer options: "Yes", "No", "I do not know."
The client asks the psychoanalyst:
- Tell me, how long can I still tell everything that comes to mind?
- Speak, speak, do not hesitate … Time is money …
Two psychotherapists lived in one of the boarding houses, nadhering to different scientific views. Every morning, the ode and the same scene were repeated: they met in the hall, one spat in the face of the other, after which they peacefully dispersed in different directions. The concierge who watched this once broke down and asked one of them:
- Master, please tell me why you spit in the face of another master?
- I do not know. This is his problem …
A woman came to see a psychologist with a complaint about a psychological problem:
- You know, I have a small child.
- So what?
- I am constantly afraid that he will fall from the bed, but I will not hear it.
- Tell me, is there a carpet under the bed?
- Yes.
-So take it away!
An experienced psychotherapist tells the student how he managed to cure a person who was sure that he was an alarm clock:
- Imagine, if he was not turned on in the evening, then at seven in the morning he began to have a real withdrawal …
- And how did you deal with it?
- Every evening I reduced the time of the plant. One day I didn’t start him at all and he was completely cured.
After some time, the student says:
- You know, professor, but I managed to cure a man who was sure that he was an hour hand.
The astonished professor, at a loss:
- Tell me, colleague, how did you do it?
- Everything is very simple. First we infected him with delusions of grandeur
- convinced that he is not an arrow, but a whole alarm clock. And we already know how to treat alarm clocks …
The man went to see a psychologist. They ask him:
- Well, how is a psychologist? What did he say?
- You know, if I talked to an ordinary person, he would listen to me and advise something. And the psychologist listened and said: "What do you think you should do?"
An experienced psychologist explains to a young colleague: "A psychologist is like a detective: he has never seen a crime, but he must tell everything about him" …
A young psychologist asks an elderly person:
- Tell me, how do you manage to protect yourself from emotional burnout? You have so many clients, you need to listen to everyone …
- Who listens to them?..
Psychotherapist:
- Tell me what worries you?
Client:
“I don’t know, I can’t remember.
Therapist (quietly):
- This is repression.
Loudly:
- And how is this expressed?
Client:
- What is expressed?..
Two psychologists are sitting in the office. One tells the other:
- I always diagnose Rorschach spots. A sexual maniac sees a woman in them, a sadist sees blood stains, a neurotic sees all sorts of monsters. But now you will see for yourself …
Then a businessman enters the office. He is also shown a drawing. He looks at him for a long time and says:
- No, dear, I won't pay that much …
A person comes to an appointment with a psychoanalyst, pays fifty dollars, sits down and says nothing. The psychoanalyst tries to get him to talk, but nothing happens. An hour passes, after which the customer pays, thanks and leaves. The next time everything repeats itself. The psychoanalyst is getting used to it. At the fifteenth session, the person suddenly asks:
- Tell me, professor, do you need an assistant?..
The professor explains to students the difference between psychological theory and practice: - Theory is when everything is clear, but nothing works. And practice is when everything works, but it is absolutely unknown why.
In an unfamiliar area, a tourist pHe tries to find out from passers-by how to get to where he needs to go. Everyone shrugs their shoulders and, without stopping, walk by. Finally a passer-by, a psychotherapist, stopped. After carefully listening to the tourist, he says:
- I don’t know how to get there. But isn't it wonderful that we were able to talk about this so frankly?..
Psychoanalyst got married and tells friends about his wife
- She is ugly, does not know how to cook and is absolutely frigid!
- So why did you get married then?
- Oh, if you only knew what nightmares torment her!..
The client asks the psychotherapist:
- Tell me, how much will your consultation cost?
Psychotherapist:
- Let's do this: you tell me your price, we will laugh together, and after that I will name mine …
An old psychoanalyst dies and says to his sons:
- I leave the house for the eldest, money for the middle one. And to you, the youngest, most beloved son, who followed in my footsteps, I leave two of my clients who will feed you all their life.
Everything is relative. An animal psychologist explains the theory of conditioned reflexes to students:
- After the monkey presses the button, he will receive a banana. The animal got used to this, a conditioned reflex was formed.
Meanwhile, an old and experienced monkey explains to a young one:
- Whenever you feel hungry, press this button. The guy in the white coat will immediately react and give you a banana.
The client asks the psychologist:
- Is it true that you can determine a person's psychological problem by the literary work that he likes?
- Absolutely right. For example, tell me what is the name of your favorite book?
- "What to do?" Chernyshevsky.
- Well, how long have you had problems with potency?..
Two psychologists are talking:
- I ask every client if he can play chess.
- What for?
- If he doesn't know how, I advise him to learn. And if you can, I advise you to stop playing.
- But why?!
- I don't know, but in 80% of cases it helps …
A woman comes to a psychologist:
- Help, I have two problems: I have acne and men do not sleep with me.
Psychotherapist:
- Sorry, but I need time to think.
He goes home and thinks:
- She has acne because men do not sleep with her … And men do not sleep with her because she has acne … Just some kind of vicious circle!..
A violently shaking man came to the reception. The psychologist invites him to discuss the problem, but he begins to shake even more. Then the psychologist offers the client to drink a hundred grams "for courage" - it does not help. The psychologist suggests another drink. And so - four times. Then the psychologist asks:
- Well, now they are bolder?
- Still would!!! Now let someone just try to get into my soul!
At the reception with a psychotherapist:
- Hello, Doctor.
- Hello, patient.
- What makes you think that I am sick ?!
- And where did you get the idea that I am a doctor ?!
Two psychologists meet:
- Are you okay?
-Yes.
- And I have?..
One psychologist asks another:
- Tell me, why do you always ask clients about what they ate before visiting you?
- By the answers I am guided by how much to take from them …
Client: I have a problem
Psychologist: What's the matter?
Client: I can't live with my wife anymore …
Psychologist: So get a divorce!
Client: Exactly! How could I not have thought of it myself! Thank you so much!
Psychologist: Not thanks, but $ 50 …
Psychologist - to the client:
- You have very big problems. The state of your psyche raises the most serious concerns. What do you want the most now?
- To see another psychologist …
Students ask the old psychotherapist:
- Tell me, how does a psychotherapist differ from a prostitute?
- Her services become cheaper over time, and his services become more expensive.
A psychotherapist talking to a little boy:
- How old are you?
- It will be five in the fall.
- Wow, what kind of optimists we are …
The client asks the psychotherapist:
- Help. My life is sheer boredom. No thrills. I've already tried everything - parachute jumping, scuba diving, climbing rocks …
- Get a mistress.
- I have three, it doesn't help.
- Then tell your wife about them …
The prospect asks the therapist:
- Tell me, how much does your appointment cost?
- Expensive.
- And in especially interesting cases?
- For fifty dollars an hour, any case is interesting to me.
Two psychotherapists are talking. One says to another:
- I have a unique case! Split personality!
- So what, I also have such clients?
- But I get paid both!
At the reception with a psychotherapist:
- Madame, your child is clearly suffering from the Oedipus complex.
- To me too … Complexes are shmomkleps … All this is nonsense just to love my mom!..
Psychologist - to the client:
- In vain are you complaining about an inferiority complex … On the contrary, you are extremely correct in assessing your capabilities …
A psychologist is a person watching the men present as a beautiful woman enters the room.
The psychologist says to his friend:
- If you are looking for a psychologist, I can advise Rudkevich. He has such a large and profitable clientele that he can afford to say that you are all right, if it really is …
One psychologist says to another:
- Imagine, answering the question from Eysenck's test: "Can you say that you are a confident person?" I choose no for the fourth time …
- What a nightmare! Psychotherapy never helped!..
A young psychologist comes to his colleagues, sees that they are drinking and asks:
- And for what reason?
- So today is our professional holiday - the day of the border guard!
At a psychologist's appointment:
- I see that you are tormented by a terrible problem that poisons your whole life.
- Hush, for God's sake! She's sitting in the corridor!..
A person turns to a psychotherapist:
- Help! Every night I dream that I'm pulling a train. Half the night - there, midnight - back. I'm so tired!..
- Okay, agreed, the second part of the night I will drag the train.
The client thanks, pays and leaves.
Another comes:
- Help! I dream that I spend half the night with a blonde, and the other with a brunette … I'm already tired …
- Okay. I take the blonde on myself …
- But I like the blonde more …
- I don't know anything - the second part of the night I drag the train …
Psychotherapy is when you pay $ 50 an hour to complain about yourself
Tell me, are you a psychoanalyst?
- Yes.
- Then help me.
- And who are you?
- Also a psychoanalyst.
- Then help yourself.
- I can not. I take too much …
The psychologist calls a friend psychiatrist:
- Listen, friend, help! Suddenly something became very good with the person!..
A client came to a psychologist and said:
- You know, everything is bad with me … My wife left, took the children … I was kicked out of work … No money … No friends … I started drinking a lot … Tell me, what should I do?
- Yes … As a specialist, I recommend that you refrain from alcohol. But as a person - I do not advise …
A businessman came to a psychologist:
- Remember, you said that I need to get distracted from work and get carried away by girls?..
-Yes I remember…
- Now tell me - how can I get away from the girls and start working again ?!
Two psychotherapists are talking:
- I had a client with delusions of grandeur … So, she saved his life when he decided to shoot himself.
- I understand, the hand did not rise on such a great man!
- He just shot 15 centimeters above his head …
During a psychotherapy session:
- You know, I am constantly haunted by thoughts of suicide …
- Truth? Then I will ask you for an advance payment …
Client saying goodbye to psychotherapist:
- Thank you for curing me of megalomania … Now I am a person of unsurpassed, fantastic, just the same phenomenal modesty!..
The psychologist asks the client:
- What does your husband think about it?
- But I'm not married!
- So … So your husband is still a bachelor.
At a psychologist's appointment:
- I have a serious problem.
- What's the matter?
- I'm very unhappy. What should I do?
- There is a good way - go somewhere far, far away.
- I tried it. Does not help.
- Get a puppy, a kitten.
- It does not work.
- Get a mistress.
“It only makes it worse.
- Then go to the circus. There is one stupid clown - you will see him and just die laughing …
- I am that very clown, - said the client and threw himself out the window.
A man came to a psychologist:
- Tell me, what should I do? I am so afraid of thunder and thunder!
- Firstly, you need to realize that a thunderstorm is a normal natural phenomenon and nothing threatens you … And, secondly, do as I do - just hide in the basement and cover your head with three blankets.
During the official visit of the Queen of Romania in America she was shown the best university in the country. The rector took her to the eminent professor of psychology:
- Let me introduce you to the Queen of Romania …
Professor rubbing his hands:
- Well, well … And for a long time this old woman imagines herself a queen, huh?..
At the reception with a psychotherapist:
- Hello! What is your problem?
- You see, no one hears me …
- Hello, so what's your problem?
Two psychologists are walking along a dark street. INfriend they see a robbed and brutally beaten man lying on the ground. One psychologist says to another:
- Look, colleague. Whoever did this clearly needs our help …
Client - psychotherapist:
- Thank you for curing me of megalomania … By the way, how many billions of dollars do I owe you?
Once robbers broke into the office of a psychotherapist - hypnologist … They pointed a gun at him and demanded money. Seeing that the situation was hopeless, he threw a wad of money with the words:
- Take it, do it!
A week later, racketeers arrive, emaciated and exhausted, with a wad of money:
- Take them back … Take the same amount … We will pay more … Only, please remove the installation!
A conversation between a psychologist and a client:
-Tell me, why did you decide to commit suicide ?.
-Living is boring …
-Do you think suicide will cheer you up?
A businessman came to see a psychologist:
- You know, it always seems to me that there is a killer under my bed. I have been unable to sleep for many months.
- It can be fixed. You need two (looks at the expensive clothes of a businessman), no - three courses, ten each (sees a gold chain), no - twenty sessions worth two hundred (notices a precious ring), no - three hundred dollars each.
- Okay, I'll think …
A week later, a businessman calls a psychologist:
- Sorry, I won't need your services. One helped me here in half an hour and took a hundred rubles.
Psychologist (with jealousy):
- And who is this colleague of mine?
- Why a colleague? This is a joiner. He just sawed off by the bed
legs …
Teacher in a lesson in communication psychology: Carnegie taught us to smile … Murphy made it clear that this will not help …
Phone call:
- Hello, this is your psychotherapist. Well, how are you doing?
- Thanks, everything is fine!
- Oh, sorry, I seem to have got to the wrong place …
The psychoanalyst tells the client:
- I have two news for you - good and bad.
- What is bad?
- I am absolutely sure that you are a hidden homosexual …
- And what kind of news can be good after that?
The psychoanalyst, sitting closer:
- Do you know, you are very handsome …
The therapist tells the client:
- During your vacation, you need complete peace. Therefore, I recommend taking tranquilizers - one tablet every morning for your wife.
A loser came to see a psychologist:
- Hooray! The case started! Today I dropped my sandwich and it fell butter up!
The psychologist takes a sandwich and studies it for a long time:
- No, my friend … you smeared butter on the wrong side …
An old friend turned to the hypnologist:
- You know, my father has a long history of insomnia. Nothing helps - neither alcohol, nor sleeping pills … Maybe you can help?
The hypnologist agreed, came and began the session:
-Your eyelids are getting heavy … All members of the body are filled with a pleasant weight … You are immersed in a deep sleep …
The session lasts an hour and a half. After him, the hypnologist quietly gets up to call a friend. But as soon as he fell silent, the old man quickly opened one eye and asked:
- Sonny, look, is this madman gone?
The client asks the psychologist:
- Am I really so hopeless ?!
- Well, why so gloomy! Let's just say: if I cure you, I will become world famous …
Client: My ear is constantly ringing
Psychologist: Don't answer!
A former client's wife comes to see a psychotherapist:
“You promised to cure my husband. They said that psychotherapy was going well. And yesterday he threw himself out of the window!
- That's right. He died completely mentally healthy …
NLP Specialist - Client:
- How can you explain all this?.. Well, imagine, as if you know what zero-transport or teleportation is … Hey! Here you go! And this one disappeared …
Psychologist - visiting his mistress … Suddenly - the doorbell rings.
She: Husband!
He: Where is the emergency exit ?!
She: I don’t know !!!
He: Then where would you like him to be ?!
At a psychologist's appointment:
- And how long have you believed that your husband is the ideal man?..
Two psychologists are talking:
You know, one of my clients thinks he's a car!
- Yes? And how are you going to treat him?
- What for? I ride it home …
Note on the table: “I went to see a psychologist. I will be late. Dinner is in the washing machine."
A person comes to a psychologist. Silently hits him in the ear and leaves. Psychologist, at a loss:
- And why did you come? Can I say what I wanted?..
NS Holmes and Watson are consoled in a balloon. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a hurricane carried them away. They see in front of them only the endless sea, behind - the receding shore and the man on the boat. Watson shouts to him:
- Where are we?
The man is silent. Watson shouts even louder:
- Where are we now?
The man is silent. Watson, gathering all his strength:
- Where are we?
The man answers:
- On the air balloon!
After that, they are finally carried away to the open sea. Holmes:
- It was a psychologist.
- Why did you decide so?..
- It's elementary, Watson. First, at first he thought for a very long time. Secondly, it is absolutely impossible to find fault with his words. Thirdly, they are completely useless for us …
At a psychologist's appointment:
- Tell me honestly, how big is my problem?
- How much money do you have with you?
The psychologist tells the client:
- And from this day - not a drop of alcohol!
- What?! Do I have something serious?
- No. You just need to save money now.
The woman at the reception says to the psychologist:
- My husband is cheating on me.
- Why do you think so?
- On Mondays, he disappears, comes back cheerful and contented, and a day later he starts grumbling and thinking about suicide again.
-Ah. So he comes to me!..
Two psychologists walk past the mass work hall … One asks the other:
“Listen, why does it smell so bad in here?”
- Yes, our colleague engaged in hypnosis conducted a session here. Imagine, he hypnotized the entire audience with a clock. And when he went up to the stage, he fell and smashed them.
-So what?
- So the watch was expensive, with diamonds.
- So what?
- And the fact that he could not restrain himself and shouted: "Shit!". Since then, the hall has not been cleaned in any way …
University graduate comes to be hired … It is tested by a psychologist:
- Look at the picture: three people are sailing in a sea infested with sharks. The first has nothing, he is not afraid of sharks. The second has a huge knife, he won't give up so easily. And the third has an underwater cannon. Which drawing do you associate yourself with?
- With the third person floating.
- Unfortunately, you are not suitable for us. Our company needs people who associate themselves - with sharks …
One woman couldn't sleep … She went to see a psychologist, he taught her to repeat: "I do not want to sleep … I do not want to sleep …" and her insomnia was gone. After that, she brought her husband, who suffered from impotence, to the reception. They had a splendid night that same evening. The next evening, all in anticipation, she sneaks up to the bathroom, in which her husband has locked himself and hears from behind the door: "This is not my wife … This is not my wife …" …
Two psychologists meet. One asks the other:
-Well how are you?
- Yes … do not ask …
- What is it? …
- Everything is bad. The mood is worse once.
- Let's go in for psychotherapy?
- Come on … Why fool around … Our people - we know that there is no psychotherapy …
Psychologist rides a compartment with an entrepreneur … The latter says:
- Since you are a psychologist, it means that you are well versed in people. Let's play: you tell me my thoughts, if you guess right, you will get $ 100.
- Good. We're going from the south now. You are without a wife. So you had an affair there and you are now thinking about that girl …"
-That's right … Take 100 bucks!
-And your wife is waiting for you at home, and you think how tired you are of her …
- Keep another 100 bucks!
- And then the thought comes to your mind: shouldn't we “remove” it?
- Hold 1000 bucks!
- For what?! For a thought?
- This is no longer a thought! This is already an idea …
Client: Colored circles are constantly floating in front of my eyes
Psychologist: Yes?.. And what color do you prefer?
At a psychologist's appointment:
- I am depressed.
- Then you need to plunge headlong into work!
- But I work on a concrete mixer!..
- And I often have this … how is it … well, what is it called when you keep forgetting?
- Debts?..
Chapaev came from the academy. Petka asks him:
-What sciences were you taught?
-Logic, philosophy and psychology.
- How do they differ?
- You see, there is a bathhouse, and next to it are two people - clean and dirty. Which one will go to the bathhouse?
- I do not know. And really what?
- From the point of view of logic - dirty, since the other is already clean.
- And from the point of view of philosophy?
- The one who is clean will enter, since he is used to cleanliness, and the dirty one is used to being dirty. Now tell me: who will really go to the bathhouse?
- Who knows!
- But this is already psychology …
After lengthy research at the Institute of Family Psychotherapy the formula for the shortest family dialogue was derived:.
Husband: Rrr …
Wife: Woof!
The psychologist recommends the client an effective remedy for depression
- If you feel unbearable - go home. Buy a Johnson anal thermometer at the pharmacy on your way. When you come home, change your clothes and lie down. Read the anal thermometer's instructions for use, which states that manufacturers guarantee that each thermometer is individually tested. Then close your eyes and think, “What a blessing that I am not a quality control officer for anal thermometers at Johnson!”
The client approaches the psychologist's office … Knocking - not a sound. Comes in - not a word. The client is waiting. The psychologist goes about his business. Finally, the client fails:
- Hello. You know, now I feel like an invisible man …
Psychologist (looking up from the papers):
- Who said that?
The French psychologist was asked:
- Tell me, how does the new generation differ from the previous one?
- Practically nothing. They also grow up. They go to the Lyceum. Smoke the first cigarette. Leave home. Get married. Have children. But - in the reverse order.
According to research by prominent American psychologistsThere are two reasons why a man spends time in a bar in the evening. First, he has no wife. Second, he has a wife.
Students ask the teacher:
- How to distinguish a mentally abnormal - from a simulator?
- What for?
- Well, what about the quality of the expertise?
- You see, the one who simulates well is good and sick.
The moral of the fable "The Fox and the Grapes" as explained by the psychologist: “The subject developed an emotional reaction of frustration due to the fact that the object acted as the subject's need and the situation was not resolved in favor of satisfying this need. Therefore, the object underwent a subjective transformation in the consciousness of the subject, as a result of which it acquired properties that were not originally inherent in it. Thus, the perception of the world was reconstructed with the help of self-change of consciousness, as a result of which there was a reaction of replacing the subject's need for an object to an artificial denial of the situation …”.
At the reception with a psychotherapist:
- You say that you pay taxes with joy? How long have you had this?
The wife comes home, sees: the husband is sitting on the floor and opens the bottle with his nose
-What's the matter?!!
-Yes, the mood is rubbish …
The wife rushes to the psychologist:
- My husband is crazy!
- How is it shown?
- I come home, and he opens the bottle with his nose!
- Ah … This is nonsense. It's just that the guy has a lousy mood …
Client at a psychoanalyst's appointment:
- You know, I have such a problem! No matter how I restrain myself, I still bring five or six men to my house every night. And yesterday - as much as ten!
Psychoanalyst (agitated):
-Yes Yes…
The client, standing up in surprise on the couch:
- How, and you were there?..
Call a psychiatrist:
- Doctor, I'm so tired at work, I just don't have any strength!..
- Where do you work?
- Yes, on the helpline …
- Ah … That's why I know your voice …
At a lecture on the psychology of communication, the teacher says:
- The best way to end a woman's tantrum is to kiss a girl.
From the audience:
- And how to bring her to hysterics?
Yesterday's student got a job as a consultant in a psychological officeat. In the morning he asks the chief:
- Tell me, what business will you entrust me with?
- Well, take a broom and sweep it here …
- How?! I graduated from the university !!!
- Oh, so!.. Well, then, for the first time, come on, I'll show you …
In a practical lesson on psychodiagnostics:
- In the questionnaire, you can ask only one question, which will allow you to find out the age, gender and social status of a person.
-Which? …
- What does the expression “go for a walk” mean to you?
A psychologist, addressing a client:
- You have obvious mental problems …
- But I would like to hear one more opinion!
- Well … If you insist, please: you are also terrible.
At a lecture on pathopsychology, the teacher says:
- According to statistics, every fourth person suffers from a mental disorder. Check out three of your friends. If everything is all right with them, draw conclusions …
The client asks the psychologist:
- What is the name of such a phenomenon in psychology when, left alone with a man, you really want to have sex with him?
Psychologist (unbuckling his belt):
- This phenomenon is called a successful meeting!
At the reception with a psychotherapist:
- Hello. I am a kleptomaniac.
- Very nice. That is, of course, not very nice … But nothing terrible either …
Announcement in advertising:
"Those who successfully complete our psychological courses receive professional qualifications."
From the psychological dictionary: "Relaxation is the process of a gradual return of a system to a state of equilibrium, taken out of such a state, after the cessation of the action of the factors that bring it out of equilibrium."
Ad in the paper:
Addiction psychotherapy. I am taking it out of the Internet."
At a psychologist's appointment:
- There are two people sitting in me: one says - drink, and the other does not drink. What should I do?
- And you teach them to treat each other!
Question from the test: "Will you give your Motherland two million dollars?"
- Key: if you answered "yes" - call 03, if "no" - on any other, you will still be calculated …
Why are men more susceptible to psychoanalysis?
- Because it is easier for them to remember their childhood - after all, they are always in it!
A businessman complains to a psychologist:
- Everything pisses me off - suppliers, buyers, bankers and bandits. One thing only helps - I'll come home, put on some kind of "toy", kill a hundred monsters, immediately feel better. But the trouble is that I don't go through more than two levels, they quickly kill me …
- And you use the mouse.
A few days later, the businessman calls the psychologist:
- Thanks for the advice, it helped a lot. As soon as I get home, I will soak a dozen immediately easier. It's just a pity for the mice, the babies squeak so plaintively …
Two psychologists are talking:
You know I have such a problem
What happened? Every night I have a dream that in front of me is a door with an inscription. I knock on it, push it, start to kick it out with my shoulder, kick it with my feet - it's all useless …
- And what is written on it?
-"To myself"…
Examination at the psychology department in the physiology of higher nervous activity:
- Tell us how the gyrus should look like?
“Well… Should the brains be straight enough so that your thoughts don't get confused?
The client turns to a psychologist:
- Help me. I'm a pig!
- I'm not ideal either …
“You don’t understand: I am a real pig. I grunt, roll in a puddle, itch on the fence … Won't you laugh at me?
- Well, what are you … We will feed you …
The sea is worried once, the sea is worried two, the sea is worried three. Obsessive-phobic neurosis by your sea!.
At a psychologist's appointment:
- Nobody pays attention to me! It seems to me that I am more terrible than a monkey! All day long I lie on the couch and complex. What should I do?
- Don't be complex! You are very much even nothing … But you need to work, work and work! Only labor made of … well … you understand me … a person.
What is the work of a psychotherapist?
“He gets paid by asking clients the same questions his wife asks him every night.
What is parapsychology?
- This is when you go to a psychologist, and there are two of them …
The psychotherapist says to a regular client:
- I am glad to inform you that you are now completely free from homosexual inclinations!
- That's great! So I would kiss you!
- Well, what are you … You, in fact, should not sit on my lap …
Conversation of two psychologists:
- When I started my career, I had nothing but my own mind!
- Yes, in our time, many are forced to start from scratch …
Hello, free psychologist
- Hello, absolutely normal person!
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