Psychologists About The Flash Mob # I'm Not Afraid To Say

Video: Psychologists About The Flash Mob # I'm Not Afraid To Say

Video: Psychologists About The Flash Mob # I'm Not Afraid To Say
Video: Flash Mob by Students of Centre for Health Psychology 2024, March
Psychologists About The Flash Mob # I'm Not Afraid To Say
Psychologists About The Flash Mob # I'm Not Afraid To Say
Anonim

"I was raped at the age of 8", "my friend and I just walked away from a naked 70-year-old man", "he grabbed my buttocks right in public transport", "passed by, stopped and pushed me into a car forcibly, then raped ".

This is a very small list of violence against women, which they admit to in stories with the hashtag #I'm not afraid to say. The initiative, which wanted to launch the topic of various violence against the weaker sex, into the public space, in a few days turned into an online confession of hundreds of women. Reactions to stories of rape and harassment from other social media users are quite different: from words of support and admiration for courage, to ridicule, sarcasm and accusations that women have turned Facebook into a horror movie that everyone else is forced to watch without their consent.

Psychologists analyze a flash mob and warn participants that the territory of social networks is not the most comfortable environment and one must be prepared for anything.

I have an ambivalent attitude to the flash mob - on the one hand, what is named, what is manifested, may cease to possess us. Remember, in the tales of different nations - you had to name a demon, an evil wizard, the one who took away the strength of the heroes - by name - and he lost his strength and power. any encapsulated information, energy, trauma, not manifested, "not discharged" - creates tremendous tension inside, destroys us from the inside, creates an internal background of guilt, sacrifice, aggression, fear, revenge, makes us "compensate" for it, gives rise to a huge number of symptoms - emotional, bodily.

And yes, even with the whole wave of the flash mob, we cannot imagine how many girls-women-women have survived and are still experiencing violence.

About 12 years ago, I was conducting a therapy group on a global but "neutral" topic - self-confidence. There were 15 people in the group. The group process brought us to the topic of violence - and the participants began to speak frankly - it turned out that in a group of 15 people - women - 12 experienced violence at different ages!

Yes! It's incredibly important to talk about it. But it is important that this happens in a safe environment for the speaker himself. - This is what causes tension in the flash mob - And so that with each story read, a person gets a feeling of strength, and not an experience of retraumatization or devaluation. It is easier to pretend that this is not the case, to turn away, to joke, to snap back. The pain in every story and experience is overwhelming. It is important that the reader of the stories sees this support. And he felt respect for pain. And he focused on the fact that you can not experience the most difficult moments of life yourself. And most importantly - after the very traumatization - to live fully and happily.

Any "therapy" is possible only when it is safe, when a person is given support, when he not only has the opportunity to open his experience, but also can count on the unconditional and careful acceptance. The person who spoke about violence is naked and very vulnerable; at the moment of "speaking" he feels strength, but then remains alone with a naked painful experience. It is important that everyone who dares to tell about their story feels not fear, appreciation and pity from those who have read it, but the power of support.

You cannot imagine how many girls who survived violence at school, in camps, in circles do not talk about it at all. And often other (illogical) symptoms mask this particular injury. They do not talk because they are afraid of upsetting their parents, they are afraid of "not matching" the family, they are afraid of not coping with the emotions of adults (I wrote a lot about how a child is safer when he can rely on the strength - the stability of an adult. When an adult has confidence inside - I'm huge and I can handle what bothers you), they are afraid of rejection - you see, each paragraph begins with the word "Afraid".

It is important to remember that difficult, traumatic situations happen with very good people and in very good families. Trauma survivors are left with a sense of shame and guilt. It is then important to work with this. It is important to manage to preserve or return the feeling - "goodness" and integrity.

Often after experiencing trauma, people who remain in a feeling of "unworthiness" allow themselves to communicate unworthily and disrespectfully, or try to be very "good" and useful, so that no one will guess that I am "amazed", or live in a feeling of fear - if anyone finds out what happened to me in reality … Or the opposite process is going on - since the world has treated me this way, I can afford ….

It is important that when something "bad" happens - no matter at what age - we understand that it is not I-he-she who are bad, but I-he-she has experienced a “bad” difficult situation. Behavior change can indicate that something traumatic has happened (Each of these symptoms listed below may not only be a sign of the experienced violence). For example, thorough washing of hands and body or, on the contrary, refusal of hygiene, picking up and cleaning up garbage, unwillingness to go to a specific place, regression in development or rapid development, helpfulness, demonstrativeness, sleep and eating disorders, mood swings, frequent outbursts of aggression, a sharp decrease in self-esteem, the words "I'm bad", a sharp weight gain or weight loss, rejection of "corporeality" - leaving either to rationality, or to creativity, memory impairment … (I repeat - these manifestations can have a completely different reason).

In the victim of violence, 2 parts are "encapsulated" inside - the victim and the rapist. Unmanifest strength is encapsulated - which should have manifested itself in resistance, but could not. Violence and trauma itself are always accompanied by a feeling of helplessness. (This feeling can then be transferred to different aspects of life, or it is compensated by the fact that a person strives to take rational control of different spheres of life). This destructive part of the force is directed either at himself or (unconsciously) at men, at the world.

There are several critical phases in trauma therapy - STABILIZATION - CONFRONTATION - INTEGRATION. And this is a very carefully and painstakingly built and lived process.

Only after stabilization, rooting in the present, connection with resources, a feeling of support, it is important when there is a readiness - to Confront - with the experience of the past, with a person, with a situation. It is important to "take" your power. Get your energy back. And then - to bring this acquired part of yourself into your real life.

A flash mob is immediately a confrontation with the experience of the past. It is very important that right now it grows in parallel - support and ideas about integration arise.

I am often asked what is important to tell girls so that it is easier for them to avoid violence. Unfortunately, we will not be able to protect our loved ones from everything.

But it is important that the girl grows up in a sense of respect, admiration for her dad, so that she is filled with dad's strength so that she does not seek confirmation of her importance from other men.

It is important that the girl sees an example of a harmonious, respectful relationship between mom and dad.

It is important that the parents stop imposing what a girl should and what a boy should. A boy, at a certain age, playing with dolls, develops sensitivity, a girl, at a certain age, playing with cars and pistols, masters strength.

It's important to know that she can ask for help, shout, say NO, and stay accepted.

It is important that you know that you can count on support in any situation. That the emotions of the parents are stable and the parents can be relied upon.

It is important to know that there are intimate parts of the body that she may not allow (should not allow) to touch strangers and which, even if asked, should not touch.

It is important to know that her body is wonderful.

It is important that the family has an atmosphere - rituals - games - in which one could speak frankly …

Safety for readers

Every time we hear-watch-face different experiences - when we watch movies or see-hear real stories - our "mirror system" works - the mirror neurons of our brain can reproduce - this experience is inside us. Why films with scenes of violence are dangerous - we literally "cultivate" in ourselves both the experience of the victim and the experience of violence. On the one hand, it gives us the opportunity to sympathize, empathize, on the other hand, we adopt, “copy-paste” the life of another person, confusing him with ours. No matter how difficult destinies and lives we face, it is important to remember, with respect for the destinies of others, that we have our own, that there are boundaries of our body, our life.

UPD:

Stabilizing. Here you go. What I feared happened. The wave stirred up what had been encapsulated and muffled for many years. This post is a continuation of the previous one. Already now I have complex letters-requests in my mail. About what covers with panic, what is scary for children, that there are sudden mood swings, what the body reacts, the hysterical state … For many, the traumatic experience - not healed - is now covered with a wave of group traumatization - the trauma funnel unwinds, drawing in those who are now cannot keep balance.

Let's stabilize.

1. Stop reading posts.

2. You need to focus right now on the present - color, taste, posture, warm-cold - what is right now in front of your eyes, what the body feels, what emotion, what thought right now.

3. Eat something sweet, drink tea with sugar.

4. Give your body an intense load - run, squat, dance. Get body feeling back. You can, while standing under the shower, alternately "touch" with water to all parts of the body.

5. Search on the Internet for "emotional release techniques" - this is a good stabilizing method of tapping certain points.

6. Do something that gives you a sense of the boundaries of the body - run your hands, tap, take a shower - imagining that you will get rid of other people's experiences.

7. Imagine drawing the line between today and the past - draw, imagine, act out - as if you are walking out the door of the past and closing it tightly.

8. Looking at your children, try to feel and say mentally - I know that you have your own life and destiny, not like mine or someone else's.

9. When you have strength and your intention is ripe, please go to a psychologist.

10. There is a very good book - Peter Levin - healing from trauma. 12 steps. It describes the mechanisms of healing. But it does not replace individual therapy.

"Behind" any trauma is Life and Strength. Let us not let ourselves fall through and feed the funnel of trauma.

Dear girls. The most important task in violence is to stay alive. There are no other tasks and should not be.

Working with clients, you first have to rake huge layers of long-term guilt, like cold ice floes. "I admitted that it happened to me." They blame themselves on five-year-olds, fourteen-year-olds, helpless, with a knife at their throats at night in the park.

The retelling itself, even in the quiet office of a female psychologist, is traumatic. This is a very tender, scary, painful, most wounded place in therapy when a client talks about any abuse. About how my mother was beaten, how she was caught in the entrance, how she was bullied at school, and now in the nets. But sexual violence in our country for the victim is also tinged with shame. And so everyone is silent.

If you get to the next layers - there, beyond the powerlessness and humiliation, there is tremendous hatred and rage. I know that when a client comes to this, he comes alive. He finally joins himself with that part that has not had a place for many years. The guilty girl lives inside us, and we suppress the hatred of the rapist.

And it manifests itself in our life obliquely and crookedly - depression, breakdowns, illnesses.

An avalanche hit today and at first I was scared how the storytellers would cope with it. Without therapeutic professional support, publicly, at risk. But I know the healing power of group action. It cleanses and restores strength.

Remember that you have completed the most important task. You are still alive. You are now speaking. Further, I think, and I hope, the world will begin to change, because we are changing. The revised boundaries include, among other things, the following things to be called violence:

- manipulations;

- lies;

- betrayal - AND ENOUGH TO MAKE OUT OF THIS NORM;

- TV propaganda;

- SLIPPERS AND HITS FOR CHILDREN;

- shout at children;

- be rude to each other on social networks;

- persuasions of kind friends to "respond gently and calmly" when you are rude and insulted, because "you are a girl" and "what example will you show", and also "tyzhepsychologist" or "tyzhevrach" or "tyzhewriter";

- Violence is when an emergency situation is created on the road in front of your nose, putting your life at risk, untrained, or drunk, or boorish drivers;

- Violence is when they decide for you what medicines you will not be treated with from now on or what products you will not be able to buy;

- Violence is when someone who calls himself your friend, husband or girlfriend is dishonest with you and uses you;

- Violence is when from closed groups, where everyone is their own, take out information behind your back; and therefore, the strength of this flash mob is in its openness;

- violence is when the rules are not for everyone; when roads are blocked; when you can't, but he can;

- Violence is when you are forced to work overtime;

- violence is the song "Why are you so terrible"; and violence is the popularity of this song;

- Violence is when you are devalued and criticized, demanding that you become different - thinner or fatter, blonde or brunette, when they make you cry and be afraid;

And the list goes on.

I have never seen exhibitionists - here I was lucky, I did not have glasses until the 7th grade and had very poor eyesight; and once on the bus a nasty dude was rubbing himself, and I remember this disgust very well, and how my hands were shaking. And, of course, I also found myself - twice - in dangerous situations. I am angry and tenacious, so in the third grade I just beat a fat boy in the entrance; and the second time - she jumped from the balcony to the next one, scaring someone's grandmother in someone else's apartment, who was watching TV. Seventh floor, I ran away. I'm lucky.

Sometimes, at the reception of psychologists or stronger friends, we learn for the first time to say "no" to violence of any kind, and at the same time get angry, and not be afraid that they will be punished now. The story of restoring boundaries begins with the usual, everyday "no, I don't want to do this". Teach your children to say no.

And you understand that if you beat them, humiliate them, force-feed them, lie to them, do not talk to them about important and difficult things, punish them, force them to do an unloved business, then you will not be able to simultaneously teach them self-esteem, teach to hear the instinct of self-preservation, because hearing this instinct means hearing and respecting your anxiety and discomfort. I really hope that our children will grow up different.

Do not be afraid.

ADF. If you find it difficult to read numerous texts about violence now, if you are traumatized again, if it is difficult, please stop reading and contact any psychologist nearby. Psychologists know how to work with this, and even very difficult memories can be processed, experienced, and in this case you will take away from the past and regain a huge amount of your own strength and resources.

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