You Are A Man! You Should

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why do I find that the less I appeal to a loved one's sense of duty, the more likely I am to create a happy relationship?

There is only one reason marriages fail. The rest are derivatives of it.

In our minds there is a clear set of meanings and ideas about what a relationship should be like, how it should develop, a clear gradation of mutual rights and obligations, a certain standard of love. And since we come into a relationship for selfish reasons, the list of responsibilities of our partner significantly exceeds our own modest list. More often, our own list consists of a list of personal merits for which the partner owes us.

Such a life program. As the heroine of Irina Muravyova said in the film “Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears”: “We ourselves, fools, put a collar around our neck. Everything is known in advance! … Everything, as in the State Planning Commission, is scheduled for twenty years ahead."

You run, in a hurry, with your tongue sticking out, keeping up with everyone who has the same life program. She's not bad in and of itself. It gets bad when something goes wrong. It is depressing, frustrating and makes you feel like a failure. Any surprise, any failure of software settings is thrown back.

We naively believe that if feelings are real, then they are forever.

Forget about forever. By desiring eternal love, you become lazy and uninitiated. And most importantly, greedy: there is always not enough love, care, attention. To get more, you need to press on your sense of duty.

Should I?

As before, and now, men believe that if they are successful in their careers and fully provide for their family, this automatically adds points to them in the eyes of a woman and gives them the right to indisputable recognition in her eyes. This is their personal 1000 points in the family's piggy bank. This means the right to personal freedom, rest, hobbies, friends. All that a woman is trying to fight. Only if she is in material dependence, she will need to reckon with the male "I have the right". In fact, it is on the maintenance, which means that you will have to close your eyes to many things.

A man will work on a relationship and strive to protect a woman only if he sees a benefit for himself.

This is not about banal sex. It is about the fact that he wants to be sure that he is highly valued for what he is already doing for the relationship. If a man sees resentment and discontent on the part of a woman, then he will automatically remove her from the pedestal, and he himself will take an egoistic position. If his efforts are not approved, he has no incentive to do more. And the more claims, reproaches and appeals to a sense of duty will be poured in his address, the more penalty points he will award and stop doing anything, finding that he is investing in the relationship more than he gets in return. If a man hears an ordering tone, then the words of the request no longer play a role.

When we talk about relationships, we begin to make a list of qualities based on our own needs, planning in advance what we want to get from a partner. We shift responsibility without thinking about what we are ready to offer in return, what our own resources we can bring to the family.

It's easier to live this way. Let the man think about us. Let him take responsibility. He's stronger. He must.

A man does not come into a relationship to solve our problems. Just like us, he wants to receive love, support, loyalty, intimacy.

The best thing we can do for our relationship is to abandon the thought of obligation

I do not want to say that a man should live according to the principle “no one owes anything to anyone”.

No one owes anything to anyone (principle 5P) - this is infantile irresponsibility, unwillingness to invest their time and energy in relationships. The easier it is to create new ones than to mend old relationships - this is the 5H principle in action.

This approach is a quick escape as soon as obligations and conditions arise.

The reluctance to take on obligations is more common where the partner is perceived not as an individual, but as a set of functions that must satisfy other people's needs.

When I ask women the question: “How much did the thought that a man should solve your problems help you? How much has this thought brought you closer to a man and united your relationship? - I hear silence. It is more eloquent than any words.

The thought of having a partner will not bring me one step closer to my loved one. With this thought, I look at him with a blurry gaze, hang my own projections and illusions on him. I can give him my list of expectations as much as I want, but I can never get him to do what I need. My husband is not my mother or my therapist. With lists of requirements - at a different address.

He cannot make me unhappy by refusing to live up to my ideas. But my thoughts on how everything should be can make me suffer.

Tell me, how much happier will I be from the thought that my man owes me something?

Yes, not at all. I will revel in my illusions and suffer greatly when they disappear. With illusions it is always like this: they dissipate, confronting us with a bitter reality.

Tell me, are there really no cases in your life when close people betrayed, left, turned away or disappointed you?

As a rule, the people most dear to us cause the most pain. Despite our expectations. Despite all the good we do for them.

Close people have the right not to love us, disagree with us, give preference to personal interests - this must be experienced. Everyone does what he sees fit for himself, no matter how we think.

Scary, isn't it? When there are no supports, you have to look for them within yourself. Not everyone can withstand this thought and support themselves. You need to grow up quickly and take responsibility for your life.

Well, what does the partner owe?

Should. And not only he, but I myself must.

1. Be responsible

Responsibly assume 50% responsibility for the course and result of the relationship. To valiantly bear 100% responsibility for your part of the path, and transfer the other half to your partner. Distributing responsibility among all participants in a relationship based on personal boundaries is the task of a mature person.

If the result doesn’t suit me, I don’t blame anyone. I adjust my behavior to get the desired result, I am responsible for my feelings, thoughts and actions, I do not make others happy, sacrificing myself for love. I do not hide my feelings.

On my part of the journey, I consciously decide how I contribute to my relationship. This is not an exchange of functions, it is not a must. This is a daily choice in favor of each other. And as long as we choose each other, we have mutual obligations in the relationship. Only this is not a duty, but a responsibility. Not because it should be so, but because it is our conscious choice.

2. To see a person in a partner

Unique, with a personal life history and own outlook on life. Here I respect the need for distance, personal time and space, in my own point of view. I blur my eyes, remove social clichés, create a unique field for personal meetings with a loved one, in order to feel the life of relationships.

Love does not seek to remake. It is not in a beloved object, but in a loving one. There is no beauty in it - beauty is in a person. Relationships are beautiful only when we ourselves bring our own beauty into them and learn to notice the beauty in another, taking into account his needs and characteristics.

3. Give up your own projections

Of course, I am far from enlightenment and do not claim that everything is ashes. I can be offended, angry, screaming and indignant, but, for the most part, my reaction is due to my own expectations, and not the actions of my partner. From the fact that I want everything in life to be the way I want it. Or the way I was taught to want. I can ruin our relationship with my expectations, and even more I can ruin my life.

The paradox of love: he who does not try to hold on to the other owns more.

4. Create personal inner supports

The real essence of building inner supports is self-control and self-comfort, no matter what happens.

It is the ability to support oneself by licking one's own wounds, taking care of oneself in various situations, and learning to stand on one's own two feet. For example: Stand facing your partner about a step away. Place your palms on his palm. With your weight distributed on both legs, relax and feel each other breathing. Each of us remains a separate person. We are not a prop for another person. If each of us takes a step back, then the pressure on the arms will increase, and the position of the legs will be unstable. In this position, we need a support, and if our partner breaks contact and removes his hands, we will fall.

For any relationship, creative activity is important. Including in relationships with yourself. A happy person is an enthusiastic person. The one who knows how to stand on his own feet and does not seek external support in the form of various dependencies.

I have to take care of my own supports. The more there are, the more stable I will be in those moments of my life when something goes wrong.

If there is an interesting activity in life, business, friends, development, social recognition, then I no longer need to put the concern for personal happiness on the shoulders of another.

Personal pleasure, self-respect, self-care are too important a task to entrust it to someone. First, "how I feel in this relationship," and then, how the partner feels next to me. I know that until I allow myself to be myself, I cannot accept anyone's uniqueness. This is healthy egoism, which does not allow trampling on your own values, which does not allow the loss of your own I in the existing WE.

5. Tell your partner about yourself

Stop believing that love gives us superpowers to divine the thoughts and desires of others. The erroneous belief sounds like this: if he (she) really loves me, then he knows my thoughts, preferences. This is not true. The only way to find out what the other wants or loves is to hear from him.

Expecting telepathic abilities from a partner means being immature and irresponsible.

If I am consciously and completely responsible for my segment of the journey in a relationship, I will tell YOU about what I love and dislike. You MUST know my values and ideals, principles and needs. I MUST tell you about this myself, because you cannot know this in advance. Not because you are not sensitive to me, but because each of us has our own vision of what is happening. You MUST NOT guess, and I MUST NOT demand. I'll just introduce you to the instruction to myself. Perhaps when you get to know me better, you won't want to be with me. And you have the right to do so. Only you yourself can decide who you want to be with and whose values you are ready to share. You can be for or against what I think and want, but you have no right to determine what is good or bad for me personally. I will not hold on to you so as not to fall, especially if you do not want to support me. Love is not a duty, love is a choice. I will not knock on a closed door. I can only be happy with someone with whom I can be myself. And you don’t owe me anything that you don’t want to give me yourself.