2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"Before the baby was born, everything was different!"
"We moved away from each other …"
"He didn't care about us at all!"
“My wife is constantly with the child, she doesn't need me anymore. I bring money into the house and she doesn't need anything else."
Those families who have recently had children are probably familiar with these experiences. The birth of the first child often leads the family to live through the crisis. And it can happen even despite the preliminary preparation for the appearance of the baby. It doesn't matter how much literature you read, and how much advice from loved ones you listen to. The child, by his very presence, will shatter the established order.
What happens in the family during this period? The family system has to adapt to new circumstances. Spouses become parents, which means that they will have to master new forms of behavior, interactions and relationships. As a rule, young parents have included inherent family programs. Each of the spouses already has some idea in their heads about what their life will be like with a child. Young parents can behave in the same way as their parents, that is, repeat the scenario of their family. Or they will do the opposite: "Everything in my family will be different than it was in my childhood." And due to the fact that these programs are recorded deep in the subconscious, they are perceived as obvious and do not require dubbing. And this is the source of conflicts. After all, these programs are different. And they are not always even conscious. Hence the conflicts about "reality does not meet expectations."
As a result, we most often have such a scenario. The husband-father takes on the role of the breadwinner. He disappears at work, spends little time with his family. It is logical, it provides food, and provides the family with everything necessary. In his perception, such behavior is logical and maximally about caring for the family. And he also feels like in the backyard of his own family. After all, all the attention that his wife paid to him is now given to the baby. And sex does not go to the fore. The wife is tired all the time, the child does not really let him sleep. What a passion there is. And so a year or two.
And what about the wife? She became a mother. And naturally, first of all, he takes care of his offspring. Especially the first year of a baby's life requires maximum involvement. If there are no grandparents nearby, a woman expects help and support from her husband. And he is at work all the time. Fatigue and irritation build up. And instead of the usual human request, there is a scream and a quarrel because of a burned out light bulb or an unwashed mug in the sink.
That is, here everyone has their own picture of expectations. The husband expects his wife to appreciate his work and contribution to the family. The wife expects her husband to be included in the child and help in everyday life. At the same time, both feel the same: “I am no longer loved here, they do not hear about my needs, I am constantly offended. I didn’t dream of such a life”.
Often this story ends in divorce. A man is seduced by relationships on the side (after all, there is no such way of life, there is romance, and everything is as before, he is in the first place and everything is cool). And it seems easier for a woman not to drag this ballast and not deal with the relationship, because all the strength goes to the child. And as a result - complete disappointment of partners in each other.
How can you avoid this? The task of any crisis is to reach a new level. So it is in the family: in order to overcome this crisis, qualitative changes are needed in both partners. And the first step towards this: to accept the fact that change is inevitable. The child has already appeared, back, as they say, you will not give birth) This means that changes are inevitable in the rest of the way of life.
At first glance, it seems that this is obvious and, of course. But in fact, most young parents have the illusion that everything will be fine. "Yes, we can travel with a child, what's the big deal!"
And then the cruel reality breaks these illusions to dust) And here it is important to realize this moment. Yes, life turned out to be not what we imagined. Ok, so we are building our life taking into account these objective circumstances.
Second step: discussing all the nuances of a new life and assigning roles. Who washes the dishes, what is the schedule for getting up at night for the child, who monitors vaccinations, and who is for diapers, etc. Saying the little things will allow you to minimize stress and remove the effect of “unjustified expectations”.
Well, the third important factor: confidently involve grandmothers, grandfathers, any relatives and friends in taking care of the child (read - his parents). A two-hour walk for two without a child will bring much more benefits and positive emotions than sitting within four walls "for the sake of the baby." We always remember the principle of “mask first for oneself, then for the child”. Take care of your relationship, and it will be enough for your child to grow up happy)
Yes, this is not easy. And at times it may seem that life is lost, everything is bad, there is no way out. The main thing at such moments is to remember that you are still together for something. That you love each other, and that all these difficulties are temporary and you will definitely cope with it!
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