2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Pain is something that it is customary to get rid of, considering it bad and unnecessary. Something in the body hurts - pain reliever. It hurts in my soul - to forget, seize, make fun of, drink alcohol, brush it off, start working even harder, and so on. People are not inclined to think that nature does not create too much, it is too economical for this.
If something hurts in the body, this is a signal: something went wrong. Information. This is not an accident, not a failure in the warning system, not a punishment. It's simple: "Hey friend, I don't have enough water here, nutrients for cell reproduction, I have an injury here, poison, in general - do something before the irreparable happens."
If you are in pain, everything is the same: "Hey friend, look: you lacked love as a child, unconditional acceptance of your parents and other significant people who raised you. You lacked loving touch, recognition of your worth and your right to be. Do something about it. " This is what the pain says.
It so happened that a person, no matter how independent he tries to become, is an open system that is in constant interaction with the environment and is dependent on it. We need air, water and food - otherwise we will die. Everyone knows that. But no less we need the love and acceptance of people who are significant to us, especially in childhood, when we are completely dependent on them. And the greater this dependence, the more significant the need for love is for survival. Everyone already knows this. Not everyone knows, they have a birthright - to be loved, to be objects of care, no matter what - just because they are.
Not so long ago, at a lecture by psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya, which was organized by the "Big Dipper" center, I heard a very important thing for myself: the need for gentle touches, total contact with "my adult", for symbiotic intimacy in early childhood is vital. That is, literally - without satisfying this need, a person either physically dies or sabotages life.
This idea is based on the theory of attachment by John Bowlby (he has a book called "The Theory of Attachment"), developed by Gordon Newfeld and is now gaining popularity among many good psychologists. This theory is a great help for those who are trying to understand the causes of their recurring problems in adult life and to see exactly what gaps in their childhood need to be filled.
Pain is the Ariadne's thread through which we can return to the past, where our vital needs were not properly satisfied. But such travels are not made alone. You will need a good professional stalker - a psychotherapist who knows how to work with early trauma. As Petranovskaya says, with traumas of attachment disorders, "talking methods" (psychoanalysis, gestalt and the like, where the essence is more likely in awareness) do not work, here we need those that can reach more ancient brain structures and work rather through re-living, contact with repressed emotions - body-oriented therapy, psychodrama and the like.
This path will not be easy. In the process, a lot of traumatic material will be released, which is very, very difficult to be in contact with. It is for this that a person will be needed next to him who knows well how to deal with it. But, having appropriated the split-off parts of the psyche, a person becomes whole. Having lived through the pain that has been repressed for years, a person becomes able to accept that in the past they will no longer be taken care of as they should. And then he can truly discover the opportunity to take care of himself now. It is important to remember here that this process is finite. Once the pain will dissolve, you will no longer want to mourn the past. It will be a long and painstaking job to become your own best caring parent. But it's worth it: pain will no longer be the enemy. If she appears, then she has an important message for you. There is still a deficit somewhere that needs to be filled.
When we hear the message of pain and act in accordance with it, there is a place for happiness. States when all vital needs are satisfied and the excess can be shared with others.
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