How Do Parents Affect Your Personal Life? Part 1. Figure Of The Mother

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

- Everything will definitely not be the same with me as with my parents! - said Alena, whose father was a tyrant, and her mother was his eternal victim. And Alena, when she grew up, began to do everything “differently,” not like her mother. With the guys she was a belligerent "don't put your finger in your mouth", proud and independent. She built a career and cut ties at any hint of disrespect. But the relationship did not go well. Those with whom she fell in love without memory did not reciprocate. And those who liked her did not like her. At 27, she married the man of dreams, whom she could not breathe. And at 29 she decided to divorce.

- I suddenly realized that I remind myself of my mother. Only Kostya and I are still worse than our parents.

You can't get an indulgence from family history, no matter how hard you try. You can only come to terms with it, work it out, realize … And only then you will be able to go your own way. And as long as you are involved in relationships with your parents or between parents, these cruel laws will work, you will be their hostage.

HOW MOTHER INFLUENCES

Mother is the beginning of everything. American psychologist Irwin Yalom even wrote a whole book called "Mommy and the Meaning of Life", where he says that only for the sake of his mother's attention and love he became a famous person and wrote all his books. Let's make a reservation right away that there are no good and bad mothers. Instinctively, all mothers would like to be the best and give their baby everything. But the mother herself can be so influenced by family history that she does not realize how harmful it is. Here are the three most common negative impact situations.

SITUATION: If the mother often left the child in the care of grandmothers-nannies, or sent her to kindergarten very early. If for misdemeanors and pranks she beat, scolded and put in a corner, and did not explain humanly what was what. If she was more busy with her work or sorting out the relationship with her father than raising a child. If she was inconsistent, then too gentle and affectionate, then cold and strict without explanation. If the child periodically remained alone, he shouted and called for his mother, but she did not go. If the family had several children, and the mother did not have enough strength and time for this baby.

CONSEQUENCES FOR THE CHILD: Then in adulthood everything is divided only into black and white, in his head there are continuous extremes and stereotypes like: people are either bad or good; you can have everything or nothing; either love without mind, or hate, etc. For example, the classics of the genre. A girl with such a mother always has a man, at first, an ideal and the best person in the world who can be forgiven for everything, and then abruptly - the main bastard of all times of nations, worse than him is only a serial killer. The guy first falls in love with a bitch to remake her, ready to give her everything, and then rolls out a list of claims of bitchiness to her. In psychology, this is called narcissistic trauma. The fact is that up to three years, a person develops the ability to love, make friends, trust, feel a sense of happiness. And if childhood is oversaturated with negative experiences of abandonment, guilt, feeling unloved, then it is difficult to build healthy relationships afterwards. After all, even in early childhood, he was accustomed to mental pain. Subconsciously, only those in which the hell are full of despair seem normal. And he chooses partners accordingly in order to suffer as much as possible. And claims to a partner are actually childish claims to a mother.

SITUATION: Mom, unwillingly, involved the child in her relationship with the father. How is this expressed? It happens that mothers complain to the child about the father, or ask for advice, for example, the baby's mouth speaks the truth. They ask to judge who is right and who is not. And a small child turns for a mother into a free psychologist, an arbiter, a vest for tears, or even a defender and an instrument of justice. The child loses his childhood, as he becomes the third participant in the parents' personal life. An overwhelming responsibility is placed on him - to decide for adults.

CONSEQUENCES FOR THE CHILD: In the future, she begins to disregard her personal life. And often, in essence, he continues to do what he used to do in childhood - namely: to judge others, pat on the head, help build other people's families, get involved in the affairs of girlfriends / friends, and so on. Such a girl, for example, is a good friend and advisor to everyone. He only thinks of himself last. In general, her own personal life does not seem as important to her as someone else's. Do not understand yourself what is on the personal front, but for hours she teaches her girlfriends about life on the phone.

Moreover, the child often copies the fate of the parent against whom he was set up and whom he may still be accused of. But in the depths of a child's soul, we love both parents equally. And unconsciously copying the behavior of the "bad" parent, so we pay tribute to him. I knew a man who, as a child, often defended his mother from an alcoholic father. When he grew up, he forced his mother to divorce him. Now this guy is in his forties, he takes care of his single mom. He has not seen his father for a long time and speaks of him with indignation. What infuriated him most was that his father drank. The man himself tried in every possible way to justify his mother's hopes, so he studied well, made a wonderful career and earns great money. He created the family late, at 35, a daughter was born. But the relationship with his wife is very cool, and on weekends the "excellent" worker always goes to a nightclub, where he relaxes with casual ties and cocaine, which is certainly much worse than alcohol.

Another such “mother’s protector” also succeeded in business (my mother wanted to!). Married a stripper who got pregnant. And he really wanted an heir (read: mom wanted a grandson). His wife, according to him, is a rare shrew, he divorced her. However, she can be understood, because he did not remain faithful to her for a single day. Now his mother lives in his house, and he meets women mainly for money. It's easier for everyone.

Girls, on the other hand, often transfer their mother's attitude towards their father to all men. And then they aggravate! The more negatively it is colored, the more difficult it is for her to live in general “with these goats”. One of my acquaintances says that you shouldn’t feel sorry for men, you just need to use them. Because her dad, it seems to her, did not feel sorry for her mother at all.

SITUATION: Mom lived hard and suffered a lot. Or she was lonely, raised a child without a husband. And if there was also a grandmother who was unhappy in family life, everything becomes very complicated.

CONSEQUENCES FOR THE CHILD: The latent feeling of guilt and awkwardness in front of the parent does not allow the daughter of such a mother to build her happy life. As a sign of solidarity with her family history, she chooses the most difficult and destructive relationships for the most unsuitable for men. Or he refuses altogether from relationships with the opposite sex. Often she also becomes a single mother, because she is mentally ready for this, and "the child is the main thing."

The boy has two extremes. Or he becomes homosexual, with a series of miserable scary love stories. Because there was no male example in front of my eyes. Or, on the contrary, he turns into a very courageous person, as from mother's fantasies, who is overly sensitive to female suffering. He often chooses such a profession for himself to help women. They can marry not for love, but to make life easier for a particular woman, out of pity for her.

At the same time, the guy is also latently looking for a reason to suffer once again. But still, the main desire of life is to help women at all costs. And everything would be fine, but relations develop only as long as there is something to help and from something to save. And as soon as he finally saved, he immediately finds a new "unfortunate" to make her happy. At the same time, he himself does not think at all about his own happiness. His life is often full of disappointments, because the saved are in no hurry to give thanks. And he feels used, but continues to step on the same rake.

A common feature of children who grew up without a father or with minimal involvement of a father is an acute, painful reaction to the archetypal figures of the Father in society - government, church, any structure built according to a rigid hierarchy, for example, large business companies, prison. They are desperately attracted to these structures, they hotly criticize them or enter into a struggle with them, but in all this there is an elementary childish resentment "where were you when I needed you so badly." However, about the influence of the figure of the Father in the next publication