2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
IMPORTANT: before giving these exercises, be sure to emphasize that each family is individual, each story is special. And you need to understand the reasons for a negative situation with a specific person and a specific request for consultation. Making diagnoses to oneself is not useful. In articles, psychologists are forced to generalize, and for the sake of readability sometimes screw in a red word. But each reader should understand that in his case everything may be different.
It happens that in the family everything was apparently all right. And it is hard for a child to have victories on the personal front. Why? Well, for example, the most terrible punishment for a child is the silence of the parent. Or ostentatious politeness, when all negative emotions are considered indecent in the family. In terms of consequences, this is an indicator of an extreme form of trouble. Better to shout one more time. Also not sugar, but then you can make up and somehow clarify everything. And the unexplained emotions lie inside a dead weight and wait to pop out unexpectedly where they are out of place at all.
In prosperous families, they talk about their feelings. Like such simple constructions: “I'm angry. It seems to me, because and so on …"
They talk about love to a child as often as possible, especially when you have to scold him for something like: “I love you anyway, no matter what you do. But I am hurt / unpleasant / etc when you do this …"
It also matters what kind of child you are. Long-awaited first-borns often find it easier in life, and even if they carry the heavy burden of a bad family scenario, they have the mental strength to turn the tide, start going to psychologists, priests, and have internal resources for changes.
Unwanted children go through life hard, even if later they begin to receive belated parental love. If the child was born by early and young parents who are not ready for this, not able to give enough attention and love, but by the second they mature morally and take into account all the mistakes that they made with the first, then the second is lucky. And the first-born is not sweet. It seems to him that someone wants to bypass him all the time, looking for competitors, envious people. It seems to him that the second took from him what he should have got.
It often happens in weather children that the first one seems to be deprived of the strength for a full life and is ready to give everything himself, only to be left alone. But the second eagerly grabs everything from life, not having time to really digest. This is also a type of narcissistic trauma.
Parents, who at one time could not be full-fledged loving mothers and fathers, then, it happens, come to their senses and begin to give already an adult child. But often children seem to refuse, brush them off, as they are already used to cope with life on their own, they have adapted.
- A parent needs a lot of courage to calmly allow the child to go his own way of searching. - says Tatyana Shpileva, a famous Moscow gestalt psychotherapist, phenomenologist, group leader. - And when already an adult child expresses his childhood claims and grievances, it is important to restrain himself, not to accuse him of anything in return, but to say: “You have the right to this. And I did or did everything I could for you. I love you.
Children from families with two or more children find it easier to make changes than having an only child. And children from large families have even more resources, as if their hearts are more trained for love. And love is the main resource.
EXERCISE FOR HAPPINESS IN PERSONAL LIFE
This exercise is extremely powerful. I learned about him at one of the professional conferences of the psychological center "Here and Now". First, the relationship with the mother is worked out, then according to the same scheme of the relationship with the father. And it is better not at one moment - all at once, but with a break of two weeks.
Do it better in writing. Although you can mentally.
You will need about an hour and it is important that no one bothers you at this time.
Continue these five phrases with at least six points each.
one. Dear Mom! I remember with great joy how …
2. Dear Mom! I'm sorry that…
3. Dear Mom! I'm mad at you for …
4. Dear Mom! I ask you about …
5. Dear Mom! I thank you for …
In a week or two or three, when you feel ready to do the same, only with the address "Dear Dad!"
RESULT: Helps to accept their parents as they are. And speak out your feelings for them. Come to terms with the fact that everything turned out that way. Because for your own happiness, both in love and in your career, you need to agree with your family history, you still cannot change anything in it.
- When you take for granted all the hard things that happened in the history of the family, you automatically accept all the good things. - says Tatiana Shpileva.
Figuratively speaking, one cannot take only a good house and refuse a bad sewage system in it. You can only inherit all together. If you don't want to deal with the sewage system, you give up the whole house. So, take everything, and there you can already fix something with due diligence, make a major overhaul of your life. And the children have already left the best legacy.
GRATITUDE AS A SOURCE OF CHANGE FOR THE BETTER
The most difficult thing for a child who drank from the full difficulties of life is to be grateful for them, to be generally grateful for at least something, even for very good things. Gratitude needs to be cultivated in oneself. At first, it can be done mechanically, and then, as it were, the muscle responsible for "thanks" will be trained and the soul will rejoice, and the fruits will go. In the phenomenological approach, there is an exercise called Gratitude at the Dawn of Life. It was compiled by German psychologists, the first publication was in the book "And in the middle it will be easy for you".
How to do? Take turns with mom, and then dad and say the following text. Every word is verified in it. In a sense, this text can be a diagnostic tool: if some phrase causes rejection or a painful reaction, it means that this is where the splinter lies, this is the place of inflammation in the soul. I give these exercises, but I am well aware that very rarely anyone is able to immediately start performing this simple exercise. Because in its simplicity is a complete revolution of consciousness and life. It takes great inner strength and a willingness to change to really make it.
Dear Mom, I accept everything
what do you give me
everything, entirely, whatever it is connected with, I accept everything at full price, what it cost you
and which costs me.
I'll create something from this
for your joy.
It shouldn't have been in vain.
I hold it tight and treasure it
and if possible, I will pass it on, just like you.
I accept you as my mom
and you can dispose of me as your child.
You are the one I need
and I am the child you need.
You are big and I am small. You give, I take, dear mother.
I'm glad you accepted dad. Both of you are the ones I need. Only you"
Then the same to the father:
Dear Dad, I accept everything
what do you give me
everything, entirely, whatever it is connected with, I take it all for the full price
what did it cost you
and which costs me.
I'll create something from this
for your joy.
It shouldn't have been in vain.
I hold it tight and treasure it
and if possible, I will pass it on, just like you.
I accept you as my daddy
and you can dispose of me as your child.
You are the one I need
and I am the child you need.
You are big and I am small. You give, I take, dear dad.
I'm glad you adopted your mom. Both of you are the ones I need. Only you"
German psychologists say that whoever succeeds in this step is in harmony with himself, he knows that he is the right person and feels whole.
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