2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Yesterday I had an insight that there are two types of offense: internal and external. An external offense is an offense that is caused by a real violation of previously reached agreements and the destruction of expectations, which had all the right to exist, since the agreements were voiced and heard by the parties. The most striking example is the relationship between a man and a woman, for example, Petya promised to call in the evening and did not call, and Masha is now offended by Petya
There is a second type - internal resentment - this is resentment, the source of which is a person's internal attitudes, not supported by external reality. How does this resentment work?
It's very simple: a woman has a conviction in her head - a man should give flowers, see them off, and further down the list. These beliefs, based on the image of a certain ideal man in a woman's head, give her expectations of a completely real man. And she expects that the man will give, conduct, call. And he doesn't. She is offended. He doesn't understand why. It becomes worse when a woman tells a man that she is offended because he then did not do that. A man can react aggressively to this, because, firstly, he did not promise her this, and secondly, she did not ask him about it. Simply put, he did not know and did not think, but she was offended. Surely, this situation is familiar to many.
As I wrote above, gender relations are the most vivid example, but in fact, such situations happen all the time, and you can cope with feelings of resentment and even benefit from it as follows:
1. Understand that you are feeling hurt
In my experience of working with clients and personal experience, I can say that not every adult can be well aware of their experiences at the current moment in time. Being aware of your feelings here and now is half the solution to the problem. And about eight years ago, before I came to psychotherapy, it took me several days only to realize what was happening to me, and today it takes me about ten to twenty minutes to realize my feelings and resolve the situation.
2. Verify internal indicators with reality
It is necessary to conduct a check on the subject "was there a boy?" Remember what boundaries have been set in our relationship with those with whom we are offended. What we agreed with this person, and what we did not. For example, honestly conduct something like this internal dialogue:
- did Petya promise to call me today?
- did not promise.
- did I ask him about it?
- did not ask.
If in the process of an internal survey it turns out that there were no agreements, then the resentment is internal and you need to act according to option 3a, and if it turns out that there were agreements, then the resentment is external and you need to use option 3b.
3a. Internal resentment: to find out why I am waiting for what I was not promised
This is a lot of inner work, primarily because it requires the realization that relationships are not built with a real person, but with some kind of inner image. And the real Petya serves only as a screen for the projection of this image, provides this image with life. Sometimes, in order for such an insult to dissolve, it is enough to realize that it turns out that Petya did not promise anything. The only way out in this situation is to build relationships with the real Petya, see his real person and tell him about your desires, find a common language. Then the relationship will be possible. As long as we build a relationship with the image in the head, nothing good will come of such a relationship.
3b. External resentment: bill the offender
There is no need to hush up the insult, sulk, avoid contact, etc. Resentment from this will not go anywhere, but on the contrary, it will draw even more vital energy. And the relationship with others from such an approach is more likely to turn into a swamp. The best way out is to communicate your feelings and change the situation the way we need it. Why is it sometimes difficult for us to do this? Because sometimes we just don't know how to talk about our feelings; or we say that the walls are ringing; or we were never listened to and there is a certainty that this presentation of oneself does not make any sense, because after it nothing changes.
Regardless of what kind of resentment we feel (internal or external), it is imperative to work with it.
Feel hurt - we need it as a diagnostic tool for what is happening. If we feel hurt, then something went wrong in the relationship with the other person. And at this moment we have a unique chance to take care of ourselves: to understand what is going wrong and fix it, to outline our needs and boundaries. And in order to fix something in a relationship, you need to declare yourself, and this statement is not always soft, it can be quite environmentally friendly, but tough, and maybe even more aggressive depending on how much our boundaries in relationships were violated.
At its core, resentment is restrained aggression, and the only way out of resentment is to give aggression a way out. There are two ways out: in the case of internal resentment - to understand that there is no one to be offended at and to direct energy to studying your desires and building relationships with a real person; and in case of external resentment - give timely feedback about what is happening and set boundaries so that they meet our needs.
This is my insight and perspective on feelings of resentment today. What do you think?
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