Features Of Codependent Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

On a dating site, I saw HIM! Light bulbs shone in my head, butterflies fluttered in my stomach … I wanted to write right away and entrust myself to his ideal hands. Worried, stopped. But he wrote to me himself. I couldn't believe it!

“Of course, this is fate! I immediately felt it when I saw his photo, his look … I wanted to escape fate! But no, he himself (himself!) Chose me!"

He seemed perfect to me. His hobbies, lifestyle, work, bald head … Everything seemed "mine". At the same time, many things "cut the eye" - raised questions and bewilderment. It was obvious to some part of me that still retained its sanity that this was not at all "mine", and that with some peculiarities of a person there could be difficulties in family life.

How to deal with this "not mine"? According to the old habit, one might hope that "I can change that in him." But by that time I was already “psychologized” enough not to hope for a change in him. And I was imbued with the idea of all-acceptance: since I react sharply to something, it means that you need to deal with your cockroaches in order to react calmly. Somehow a sensible thought was refracted through the codependent pattern so that in the end it boiled down to the well-known "this is something wrong with me, I need to get better and adapt to it."

As time went on, I dealt with my cockroaches. It became quite obvious - "not mine." I decided to close this story. But suddenly the man said that he wanted to develop our communication into a long-term serious relationship. My lights and butterflies sparkled again, and the idea of all-acceptance flared up with renewed vigor.

Meanwhile, the man moved away and wrote less and less. And I sat and thought that this was probably some cunning plan, and not a loss of interest in me, after all, I had expressed a "serious" intention. Eagerly caught his every rare word, confirming for myself that he still needs me.

Virtual communication continued on my initiative. On the one hand, I did not understand what was happening, on the other hand, I was sure that this is happiness.

And then, as if the darkness had disappeared, the fog cleared away, and I saw patterns of codependent love.

• A blind choice, an instant "fall into love" without recognizing a person. In this case, even without ever seeing it in reality. Attraction at first sight, including the sight of a photograph, can occur, and this is normal. But this is a sexual impulse and interest to get to know each other, and not a "firm belief" that this is fate and now "together for centuries."
• The conviction that this is fate. In support of this, a variety of evidence is being collected. To the extent that his cousin Moti's cousin's doggie was called the same name as my cat Murzik. It may just be coincidences - you never know Zhuchek and Murzikov. It can really be a choice of a partner for the family system. But this does not mean, firstly, that the choice is healthy, and secondly, that this choice is for life.
• Expectation from a partner of instant reciprocity. The fact that he, too, has already chosen me. In a riot of felt feelings. In firm confidence in "destiny" and far-reaching plans.
• Instant total idealization. With devaluation of all previous experience. Anything pleasant connected with previous partners sharply becomes "none" in comparison with the new chosen one. Along with this, their own system of values can develop, there is a willingness to give up something that was important, and with rapture to accept what was previously indifferent or unacceptable.
• If something imperfect and simply inconsistent, not suitable, is nevertheless discovered, then the confidence turns on that either the partner will change, or I will change, I will adjust.
• As such, acquaintance and conscious choice of a partner does not occur - the partner is, as it were, chosen and ideal already knowingly. Those.there is no real interest in what the real partner is. The main thing that worries is "whether he loves me, whether he needs me, whether he has serious intentions."
• Even if it is objectively noticeable that on the part of the partner there is no reciprocity, “serious intentions” or he simply doesn’t fit, all the same, various evidences of what “loves” and “fate” are used. Up to fortune-telling.
• Blind confidence in the love of a partner can be replaced by opposite impulses - "he does not need me, I will leave him." Despite the fact that the partner is still at the stage of acquaintance and choice, he still does not think in terms of love and distant plans, he simply studies a new person and listens to himself, how he is with this person.
• The alienation of a partner knocks out the support from under his feet, it seems that the world is crumbling, it becomes hard to breathe.

Codependent falling in love is like jumping abruptly and sticking to an object. Just as the larva of the "alien" from the film jumped on the hero's face and fused with him. A person has as if a aching wound and a vacuum in the chest area, he seeks to close his wound, and, like a vacuum suction cup, adheres to the selected object. It is very difficult to peel off afterwards, and any attempts to disconnect bring acute pain. As with addiction, actions are poorly controlled. The choice of an object takes place virtually without choice, further actions also take place like in a fog.

When there is a healing from codependency, a person has the opportunity to choose a partner and smoothly enter into a relationship, gradual rapprochement and development of intimacy, affection. All this happens consciously, with the participation of all centers - the choice by the body (according to the sexual impulse), the heart (according to sympathy, the development of affection), the mind (according to a sober assessment of compatibility and the coincidence of life paths). If something does not match, then there is an opportunity to soberly weigh, discuss with your partner and get out of the relationship.

Fragment from the collection "Codependency in its own juice". You may also be interested in the book "What do we confuse love with, or Love it" - about the illusions and traps in codependency and about the model of healthy relationships. Books are available on Liters and MyBook.