2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The desire to be loved and approved is natural. Through the feeling of his love and need, the child legalizes his presence in this world. And through the attitude of his parents towards him, he forms the scenario of relationships with all other people in the future.
Initially, when a child is born, he does not try in any way to earn love and approval. He simply is, he lives, communicates his needs and expresses his dissatisfaction and fears (through crying, through humming, with the help of facial expressions or screams). He is simply present.
In a normal, healthy version, the child receives an emotional response from his mother: the mother came, took it on her arms, put it to her breast, she has warm, soft hands, and her breast is hot, the milk is delicious, the mother is gently singing something. Things are good. Mom hugs her. It is calm and safe with her. The knowledge that "I am and this is good" is unconsciously absorbed.
But what happens if mom is depressed? Or is your mom anxious? Overwhelmed with her problems, busy with work. And in general, the child was not planned. Tired. With my injuries.
Then the child begins to feel that something is wrong. He does not receive the knowledge that he is loved. And that's when the game of earning this love comes in.
He shows his mum his drawing, his kalyak-malyaks, boasts "Mama, look what I drew!". And my mother, immersed in her worries, responds dully: "I painted. I see. Well done." … and then plunges into his household chores. He tries to sing, dance - mom asks to be quieter.
The child does not give up. He's trying to get Mom's approval!
Swept the floors. Mom said her duty "Well done." But the kid didn't get the main thing - FEELING! Admiration. Acknowledgments. Love. He concludes that this is not enough. And then it dawns on him! Eureka! You need to not only sweep the floors, but also wash them. And not just wash, but to smell delicious. I’ll pour my mother’s favorite perfume into a bucket of water! Here mom will be delighted! It will be very fragrant!
When, instead of love and recognition, the baby gets a scolding for an empty bottle of expensive perfume, he realizes that something is wrong with him. He is doing something wrong. And at this moment a logical error is born: my mother does not love me, because there is nothing to love me for …
So something is wrong with me. I'm not good enough. I'm doing everything wrong. And I myself am wrong. Ugly. And stupid. Or too loud (and you need to be quiet). I am bad.
It would seem that the logic is trivial: if I do not receive love, then I do not deserve it. If everything was all right with me, then my mother would love me. The logic is simple, but wrong!
Because they love children not for clean floors, not for grades, not for beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes, not for obedience and convenience. Love is not for something. They love - because they CAN LOVE.
Love is the ability of another. It is a feeling that can only be shared if it is present within. If parents are filled with love, they will give it just like that. Just because they can and can! The generosity of love has no conditions!
The kid does not know about this and explains the lack of a vital resource of love with his flaws: stupidity, sloppiness, noisyness, not-like-the-neighbor-boy-Vanechka. He thinks that he is not good enough for love and begins to deserve it, beg, beg.
And this is a huge LIE with which he continues to live. This LIE, with which he further builds his relationships with other people. With this LIE he enters his adult life. And all his life he tries to deserve what is given for free.
Because if a parent knows how to love, he will love a lame child, and one-armed, and without a left eye, and a poor student, and a slob, and a noisy, playful, and asks many difficult questions, and draws kalyak-malyaki. She will love because she CAN. To love for who he is and love what he does - the way he does it.
Love is made up of two terms
= For my part: just to be + On my part of the parent: the ability to love
There are no conditions in this example.
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