Psychological Portance

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The queen is not the one in the crown, but the one

who knows that she is the Queen

In this text, I want to speculate about the importance of support in a person's life. It will be about subjective or psychological support, and, therefore, about the state of a person, which he experiences as stability, confidence, trust in the world, as well as about the stages and mechanisms of the formation of this state.

Moreover, this subjective state-experience does not always correspond to another reality, which is usually called objective. In life and in therapy, I have seen many striking examples of this discrepancy.

There are often cases when a really strong, handsome, intelligent person cannot appropriate all these qualities and perceive himself as a weak, ugly, narrow-minded, unworthy … lean on. He cannot lean on himself, his image of himself is far from reality and his self-esteem is "below the plinth." Here are some examples of this inconsistency:

Outwardly, a very beautiful girl considers herself ugly …

An intelligent, deep young man does not have a high opinion of his intellectual abilities …

And most importantly, having such a NEDO identity, they actively broadcast it to the world, and other people often see them as they think they are.

And opposite examples of this phenomenon. A bright, self-confident girl is considered a beauty. And everyone believes it, being under this magic of her beauty. Precisely by magic, because if you suddenly manage to look and appreciate it in a detached manner, then you can often be surprised not to notice any outstanding signs of its beauty.

The world, as it were, adjusts to such people. Everyone knows the expression: When the queen wants to sit down, there is always a chair in the back. It seems that the world cannot even admit that the chair may not be in the right place, because the Queen herself cannot allow this. These people carry themselves this way, serve the World. And the World perceives them this way.

What kind of power is this that allows you to adjust the World to yourself?

How is it formed?

Why do some people have it, while others do not have it?

And most importantly, is there a chance to form it?

I have already noted that this is a subjective experience, ideal in its essence, akin to some magic or sorcery that allows you to actively influence the objective world.

I recall an episode from the Soviet film "The Sorcerers". It was the moment when experienced magicians-sorcerers taught their novice colleague to walk through walls. Remember their instruction words?

In order to pass through walls, three conditions are required:

1. See the goal
2. Believe in yourself
3. Overlook obstacles

I call this phenomenon psychological portance.

Portance - the lift under the wing of the aircraft, which lifts it off the ground and allows it to take off.

Psychological portance - a psychological neoplasm that forms in the process of a person's development by means of people who are significant to him, which gives a person a feeling of inner strength, confidence, inner support, which allows him to confidently "fly along the course of his life."

How does this neoplasm form?

To begin with, I will formulate a number of theses.

I distinguish three stages in its formation. These stages are as follows:

• Magic world
• Magic Other
• Magic Me-Myself

The stages are named after the basic illusions that the child can experience during these stages.

2. Each of the highlighted stages is the result of the previous experience of relations with the World, Other (significant) people.

Here we can distinguish three such vectors of relations, which will be presented sequentially at each of the above highlighted stages:

I am the World;

I am the Other person;

I am myself.

3. At each of the highlighted stages, the central development objectives. So, at the first stage, the leading task is the security of the world, at the second - the task of attachment and intimacy with another person, at the third - the task of relationship with oneself.

4. Experiencing basic illusions at each of the highlighted stages leads to the formation installations (neoplasms) in relation to the world, to another, to oneself. These attitudes can be both positive ("The world is safe", "The Other is omnipotent, unconditionally loving, reliable and faithful", "I am self-sufficient, confident, potent"), and negative ("The world is dangerous", "The Other is unreliable", "I am insecure"). Creating basic illusions (positive attitudes towards the world, another, your I) - give energy. Destructive (negative attitudes) lead to fixation of a person on the solution of the current task and "take" energy for solving subsequent development tasks.

5. The inability to experience basic illusions leads to the inability to assimilate them into the experience of your Self and form positive attitudes. Unlived illusions remain illusions on which it is impossible to rely. It is important that significant others, at the appropriate stage of the child's development, support the illusions. Then these illusions are introjected and become attitudes on which you can really rely.

6. The formation of each subsequent stage is based on the content of the new formations of the previous stage. In the same case, if the task relevant to the development period is not solved in a timely manner, there is a fixation at this stage with obsessive attempts to solve it. But at the same time, the unsolved previous task of development is "overlaid" with a new task characteristic of the next period of development.

Let us consider in more detail the content of the stages highlighted above.

Magic world

On the first stage of development, the main vector of relations for the child becomes the vector I am the World. The leading problem here is the security of the world. The solution to this problem for a child becomes possible thanks to the presence of an attentive, reliable, sensitive, caring, empathic adult. Such an adult for a child is most often the mother. The mother becomes a mediator between the world and the child, and at first she becomes a direct representative of this world for him. The mother represents the whole world for the child and her characteristics will form the basis of the image of the World for him. How this image of the World turns out to be - safe, accepting, reliable, giving or dangerous, rejecting, unreliable - will be determined by the attitude of the mother to the child.

If the child is lucky and his significant other is able to perform his parenting tasks well enough at this stage, the child will feel that he was expected here (in this world). He will have a positive base illusion. magical World, in which he is welcome, which is all arranged for him and for him. This will become the basis for the formation of his vital identity and a positive attitude in the world: "The world is not dangerous, I am needed here."

Growing up, such a person will live accepting the world and trusting it. He will be able to rely on this feeling of his, just as an airplane leans on the air with its wings, without wasting energy on constantly checking the world about its danger-safety. He can spend the energy of his personality on establishing relationships with the objects of this world - other people.

In the same case, if for some reason the parent did not cope with his tasks of this stage, the child will form negative basic attitude: "The world is unsafe, it cannot be trusted, I am superfluous here" … With such an attitude towards the world, a person will be busy throughout his subsequent life with the issues of ensuring the security of this world. Even physically moving to the next stage of development - relations with the Other - such a person will use the other to solve his unsolved problem in safety.

These are people with an unformed vital identity, unsure of their need for this world, for whom the constant refrain sounds the question: "Am I a trembling creature or do I have the right?" Vitality deficiency can manifest itself through apathy, depression, lack of desires, life goals. A good illustration of the described fixation on the relationship with the world is the image of Nastya from the fairy tale "Morozko".

Magic Other

In the second stage the child solves the problem of attachment and closeness with another person, At this stage, the child is busy with the issues of building relationships with real people who are significant to him - objects of affection. He actively experiments with boundaries, rules, a measure of influence on another, the framework of what is permissible for himself in a relationship, trying to understand his need-value-significance for such people. The main task of close people at this stage of a child's development is the ability to unconditionally love and accept their child.

If the significant other - the object of attachment - turns out to be capable of unconditional acceptance and unconditional love, then the child will develop an attitude Magic Other: "The Other unconditionally loves me and accepts me as I am."

The installation of the Magic Other becomes the basis for the formation in the child of the subsequent installation of the Magic I and his social identity. Social identity rests on vital identity.

In his further development, the child will meet the reality of conditional, deserved love. And this reality is easier to accept, having the basic attitudes of their need in the world and their unconditional value.

If the object of attachment turns out to be incapable of unconditional acceptance, the child forms negative attitude: “I am not valuable in myself, you cannot just love me. Love must be earned. The lack of unconditional acceptance will manifest itself in the life of an adult as a problem of intimacy, in the difficulty of establishing close relationships. In his subsequent life, a person will try to solve this problem of development for himself in the hope of finding an ideal magical other who is able to love him unconditionally, entering into a dependent relationship with him.

Magic I myself

In the third stage development, a person solves the problem of relationship with his I.

At this stage, for the first time, one's own self is distinguished as an object from the world. By virtue of this, it becomes possible to build relationships with one's personality, one's life, to take a certain position in relation to them. This, in turn, opens up the opportunity to independently manage your life, to be a magician for yourself.

Idea Magical Me Myself is based on the setting: “I am a strong and confident person. I am the author of my life, I know what I want, I can and I am ready to take it from life myself! " A beautiful illustration of this idea is presented in the monologue of Abdullah from the Soviet action movie "White Sun of the Desert":

“Before his death, my father said:“Abdullah, I have lived my life as a poor man and I want God to send you an expensive robe and a beautiful harness for a horse”. I waited for a long time, and then God said: "Get on your horse and take whatever you want, if you are brave and strong."

Formed in this way Ego identity includes and builds on all previous identities - vital and social.

If the “Magic I myself” attitude is not formed, the person turns out to be unable to rely on himself and constantly waits for “gifts of life” from the World and from other people. The attitudes of the previous stages are not assimilated into the experience of the I and so remain illusions. … Such a person will inevitably be characterized by an attitude of expectation from the world, other people with constant idealization and subsequent disappointment.

When dealing with problem (negative) attitudes, it is important to remember that in order to solve the problem, we need to return to the stage preceding the one at which the problem “sounds”. So, for example, the problem of relations with oneself cannot be solved without working through the problem of relations with the Other. And problems in relations with the Other inevitably transfer us to the plane of the I-World relationship.

Overcoming negative attitudes is possible through the experience of re-living the basic illusions of development. This missing experience of trust in the world, others, and oneself can be gained both in life and in therapy. But in life this process is spontaneous, poorly controlled and lengthy. It is so long that sometimes one life is simply not enough. It is better to do this during therapy in the presence of a professional, experienced, knowledgeable, understanding and accepting other - the therapist.

Then there is a chance.

For nonresidents, it is possible to consult the author of the article via the Internet.

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