I'm Tired Of Feeling Guilty About My Mom

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Clients often turn to me for help: girls or young women who tell about themselves something like the following.

“Mom and I have always been very friendly.

She has no husband, I was the closest person to my mother.

After some time, I began to live separately / or got married.

My mother and / or I was also painfully worried about my departure.

I am constantly afraid of offending her with something. And I always feel guilty in front of her. Although I do not understand what she was offended. But I apologize to her anyway, otherwise I’m simply unbearable to be with this feeling of guilt.

When she doesn’t answer, I don’t find a place for myself all day until I learn from her that her mood is normal.

I often cancel my plans just to visit my mother, although I may not want to.

I do not understand where the roots of all this come from.

I'm tired of feeling guilty!

What's the matter and what should I do?"

If you recognized yourself in this described situation, then now I want to tell you what is happening to you, why you feel this way, and what you can do to help yourself.

Behind this description is your psychological inseparability from your mother. You and your mom are psychologically addicted. And this is going through very hard.

You are merging with your mother, with her experiences, with her expectations, etc. Therefore, a false sense of guilt arises. Mom is bad, and you have nothing to do with it, but you feel guilty.

Mom expects something from you and you seem to have to do it, even if you don't want to. As if you for yourself do not give the right to refuse mom or simply disagree with her opinion.

And then, in order to go through the separation from your mother, it is important for you to build your boundaries.

First, learn to notice your feelings. How do you feel in different situations. Learn to notice your different feelings and what is behind them and what to do with them next.

Now we will sort out the feeling of false guilt.

Feeling guilty about your mom? Did you really hurt your mom? Or is it a false sense of guilt?

In the situation described, this is just a false guilt. When you have not done anything for which you can feel guilt, but it is. And then, for a start, it would be good to learn to notice that a feeling of guilt arises and it is FALSE.

So, we notice the feeling of guilt, we call it false.

Is your mom offended even if your fault is false?

Separating our feelings and mothers.

This is MAM'S feeling - and she, as an adult, can deal with this feeling.

Further, it would be good to acknowledge that mom has a right to her feelings. And if she does not know how to deal with them, then it would be good for her to learn this, and not to blame it on her daughter. In fact, the mother transfers all responsibility for her life to her daughter. As if telling her: “Daughter, I cannot cope with life without you. I will be lost without you. Although, a child can disappear without care. And an adult, if he is not disabled, may well cope with the difficulties of life on his own and with the support of his social circle. And not just with the help of one daughter. It is the responsibility of a mother to create her own life and her social circle. And the daughter needs strength to build her own life, separate from her mother. Your social circle, close people.

So, you have the right to your own independent life, separate from your mother. And it would be good to recognize this right for yourself. And assign it to yourself.

It is helpful to ask yourself: “Is mom a little child in need of adult care, without whom she will not survive? Or is it still an adult?"

And an adult is distinguished by the fact that he is already able to take care of himself and his life by himself. And he is already able to survive and live his life.

Therefore, it would be good to admit that mom is actually an adult. And she is quite capable of taking care of her life. If you try to notice her entire social circle with yourself, then by doing so you prevent her from creating her own circle. And prevent yourself from creating your life. Because as long as a mother satisfies all her needs through communication only with you, she does not need to change anything in life and create her own circle of friends and interests. And thus, this merging prevents each of you from developing. And it prevents mom and you from living YOUR LIFE.

This does not mean that you should not take care of your mom and pay her attention. This means that when a mother's life would be such, in which she would be good and interesting, then your attention to your mother is like a pleasant bonus, and not as a vital necessity. Then you would have more strength for YOUR life.

Do you feel the difference? YOU take care of yourself. If you have the strength and desire, then show attention and care to your mother. Mom lives HER life. She knows how to take care of herself. She knows how to cope with difficulties herself and with the help of the support of her close friends. And then your communication with your mother is a kind of exchange of both joy and difficulties, and not just a charge on you for her emotional state.

So, let's summarize some of the results.

To walk through separation from mom and build your boundaries, it is helpful to answer yourself the following questions:

What feelings belong to YOU, and what to MAMA?

What are YOUR desires, and what are your mothers?

Where and what is YOUR life, where and what is MOM's life?

Who is in charge of YOUR life?

Who is responsible for MOMA's life?

What and what are YOUR interests, what and what are the interests of MOTHER?

Have you answered? We are working in this direction. Have you mastered it? Good.

What YOU like and YOU choose does not have to be liked by MOTHER either.

What MOMA likes and chooses does not have to please YOU.

It is important to respectfully accept the interests, tastes, desires of each other, without imposing your point of view as the only correct one.

Well, then you have to develop and consolidate skills:

- Skills in self-regulation (notice your emotions, understand what needs they are, look for ways to satisfy them, satisfy them).

- Skills of living apart from mom.

- The skills to move away and get closer to you with your mom, while maintaining emotional stability.

In general, the work is long and difficult. But it's worth it.

It's worth learning how to live without toxic guilt, which takes a tremendous amount of energy.

It's worth giving your mom a chance to grow up and start building her life on her own, taking responsibility for it, not dumping it on you.

It is worth having this separation experience and then using it to separate your children from yourself.

It is worth it to grow up yourself and live your life the way you want yourself, and not how someone wants, even if your beloved mother.

I hope my thoughts were helpful to you.

And if it is difficult for you to go through this difficult path on your own, it is difficult to learn how to notice your feelings and to deal with them, it is difficult to separate from your mother, then contact us!

I know how difficult it can be, I went through it myself.

Therefore, I will be glad to help you!