2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-07 22:18
Often women come to a psychotherapist with a request - “I want my relationship to be perfect!”. And then they immediately get a counter question: "And what are the ideal ones?"
And then an incredible variety of options appear - and so that sex is breathtaking, and so that the man always listens and never argues, and gives flowers, and so that our interests coincide in everything, and so that he never cheats. There are a lot of requirements for relationships in order to “adjust” them to the standard of “ideal” ones, often they are aimed rather at making a man “this” and “such”, and the relationship, as if by itself, will catch up.
I’ll tell you this, and I’ll probably disappoint you, but you still read to the end - there are no ideal people, relationships, haircuts and dresses! There is work on oneself and one's desires, the resolution of conflicts and quarrels "in an adult way" and the acceptance of another person absolutely and completely, with all its advantages and disadvantages, without trying to change or re-educate. You will have to work hard to figure out what to do with your relationship and yourself. But I intend to make your task a little easier and share my “Formula of Ideal Relationships” - a simple equation with two brackets.
(mutual sympathy) X (balance of boundaries)
In the first brackets “sympathy” - you must like the person. For you, there must be something very attractive in him - the manner of speaking, dressing, behaving in some way, the way to choose a solution in a given situation, the willingness to do something or the willingness not to do something in certain circumstances. It is important to understand that this image is formed both in positive moments and through negative experience - if we experience bad emotions associated with the opposite sex, we are firmly convinced that in our chosen one such qualities to be Roughly speaking, everything is simple here - if you like a person, it means I will be with him, if you don't like it, it means that we are not on the way.
In the second brackets there is a very delicate balance. Any relationship is built on the ability to defend their boundaries and the ability to yield. We then feel good with a partner when we can give up something important to us for the sake of this person, but not to the detriment of ourselves.
A partner for us should be able to do the same. And together we know how to appreciate these qualities in each other.
Looking for a fulcrum for balance
Everything that we know about our boundaries, we all brought with us from childhood and previous experience. It happens that a person does not have such experience, he is unlucky - the parents could not give this understanding for the child, such a person does not know what is good for him and what is bad. There is only one advice here - to consult a psychologist because it will be extremely difficult to acquire such a skill on your own.
In any other case, when we find ourselves in a new relationship, our boundaries need to be regulated. In a relationship, it is impossible to be completely without boundaries and it is impossible not to change. If you think that you can remain who you are, from beginning to end, that you will be accepted as such, then most likely it will simply be impossible to be with you. Your partner will have to obey only you all his life. This relationship is unhealthy.
And here we are about healthy people, in which it is necessary:
- understand what you like and what you don't like. Feelings speak more here - they signal us. For example, if we are yelled at, we may get scared, or get angry because we perceive it as an attack. That is, at the same time, you have negative feelings - this is a violation of your boundaries. Here - "I cannot be blamed", "I need to be trusted", "I must not be cheated on", "My house must be clean", "My wife must feed me", "I sleep at night" or "I go to clubs", " things should be put in their places”and so on.
- understand that your partner's needs are as important to him as yours to you. Another person needs to be able to hear and believe that what he says is sincere and honest.
- respect your partner - don't do anything to him, after which you will not respect him.
-
respect yourself - answer the questions: "Is it acceptable for me what my partner wants from me?" "How will you treat yourself and him if you do what he asks of you?" The answer will be what is more important to you - to get what you want or not to experience unpleasant feelings about it.
- separate what your partner wants from you from the way he is trying to get it. For example, you dress defiantly for work, and your partner is trying to restrict, prohibit you. If you do not listen, then the first reaction is an attempt to control you. But if you listen, then this may be worth his fear of losing you. He tells you how to dress - he is breaking your boundary. But if you see the fear of losing you, you can find a joint solution. For example, you can tell a man that he is very important and valuable to you, emphasize his importance to you, explain to him why you choose him among other men and he will be more confident in himself. Then the decollete issue will be resolved peacefully.
- clearly talk about your boundaries, needs, prohibitions and desires, so that your partner has full knowledge of how you can or cannot be treated.
- make compromises. For example, allow a man to throw socks around, take care of a man, given that he cannot help but throw his socks around, as breaking this ritual violates his personal boundaries. Agree that he can only throw them in one room, and the rest of the apartment will be clean.
Thus, we have an equation - a man, as a type, should be suitable for a woman (and vice versa), should correspond to the image of an “ideal partner”. In the second brackets - those situations in which I can move (sometimes painless, sometimes not very pleasant), but only within those limits that do not injure or destroy me. If in the second brackets my partner and I also coincide, then the equation is closed.
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