Independent Children Are Happy Parents

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A child's independence is formed from birth. Parents can help or hinder him in this process from the very first days of life. How can you inhibit the development of a child's independence?

Hypothesis No. 1: Certain actions of parents hinder the development of independence in children. Checking. Imagine a situation when a child learns to walk, tries to take the first step at first. We, as caring and loving parents, try our best to help him: we support him by the hands, we are afraid to let him go (he will hurt himself), we believe that it is too early for him and we are very, very afraid for his first step. After several attempts with the parent, the child realizes that since he is not allowed to do this on his own, it means that he has not yet grown up to this and he…. begins to crawl again, not even trying to get up for a while. Or we try to keep the child busy all the time with something, not supporting his desire for independence and not giving time for things that he himself can do. All this leads to the child's laziness to do it himself. Subsequently, the child begins to demand more and more attention to himself, so that he is occupied, entertained. How to be in this situation? Give the child complete freedom to do what he wants, without hindering anything? Not really. It all depends on the age of the child. If he is under one and a half years old, children at this age need to be guided. If they can sit with a toy themselves, take something to see, then, as a rule, it takes a few minutes, no more. Parents' help in this process is needed. Further - you begin to lure him with new toys and show how it "works". Let him try it himself. Surely, many parents do this. But at the same time, independence in children does not develop. What is the reason?

Hypothesis No. 2. Parents of dependent children spend a lot of time doing things for themselves instead of teaching once. "Get dressed, we are going to be late for the doctor!" - says the mother of the child. Common situation? And he sits, plays, time is running out. Mom has no time to wait. She's late for the doctor. AND it's easier for her then dress the child herself, than stock up on time to teach him how to dress independently. The next day they need to go to the garden, and my mother needs to go to work. There is absolutely not enough time! I need to get dressed quickly. The child has the following pattern of behavior: “Why should I dress myself if my mother can dress me” or the thought: “How can I dress if I don’t know how to do it?”. Retraining is always more difficult, and it is not always clear for children. Ten times before, my mother dressed me, but here, when there is so little time, I myself need to do it ?? This is followed by a protest. Take time to teach your child different skills in a leisurely setting. But, in this independence there may be exceptions. When the child is very tired or sick, help him: clean up, get dressed, wash, feed him. Let him see that you care about him.

Hypothesis No. 3. Certain attitudes and fears of the parents hinder the child's independence. What kind of settings can it be? "He's still small", "It's still early for him", "When he grows up", "I'm afraid for him", "And if he breaks …", "He can't, he won't have enough strength." It is difficult for parents to let go of their children as they grow up. This is a kind of position of waiting for the moment, the day when it will already be "possible". They believe that children do not understand, do not know, cannot. All these “nots” fundamentally kill the independence of the child and develop laziness. Parents wait until their child grows up, and even then he will acquire the experience of independence that he needs. But where can you get it if everything was done for you at the age of 5, and at 10, and 20? Fearing all the time for our child, we hinder his development, and to a greater extent independence.

Here's another example: on the playground, I often see parents intervene in simple children's "conversations", depriving the child of the experience of resolving conflicts, the experience of compromises, the experience of playing together. After such actions of the parents, the children are already reluctant to enter the game, and some even sit on the bench, want to go home, or demand attention from their mothers so that they come up with a game for them. Everything, the moment of gaining experience is missed. It's good if the child is sociable. Maybe a second or third time to come up. And if modest, insecure?

What are parents trying to do when they are anxious or afraid? They are trying to save their child and the situation in which he finds himself. Imagine that your child has fallen. Do not rush to "save" him. But most parents do just that: they run up, help to get up, and sometimes begin to scold for carelessness and haste. Give your child a choice … If he doesn't cry, why feel sorry for him? Maybe this is not exactly what he needs. Or rushing to do something he hadn't even thought of yet. Let him figure it out. Give him that opportunity. Ask him: help you or regret? This is a great trick and it works!

Hypothesis No. 4. The child's inability to be independent depends on what conclusions are drawn from mistakes. It is very important to show the child the consequences of his actions. This is directly related to the experience of independence that the child will receive in the process of his development. My goddaughter (2 years old) somehow spilled water on the table. Her wise mother was in no hurry to wipe off the table. She said, "There is water on the table," and gave the child a rag and showed him how to remove the water. The child wiped it off the table. Mom did not try to "save" the situation. Instead, she taught the child to correct mistakes, see the consequences of their actions, and gain experience that will be useful to her in life. For me, this is independence.

Hypothesis No. 5. A child's independence does not develop if what he is doing or trying to do is beyond his abilities. It is important to take into account the age characteristics of children. A child is not able to clean his room by himself if two boxes of toys are dumped on the floor, and this child is 1.5 years old. The self-reliance process is gradual. First, the parent cleans the entire room (up to a year), then gradually we begin to share this responsibility with the child. Let him take one or two out of the whole mountain of toys for the first time, and this will be an achievement. Don't forget to praise him for that! Next time, there will be more toys you put away yourself, and gradually you will be able to move away from this process, reinforcing each action with approval and praise. It's the same with sleep. A child who has no experience of falling asleep on his own will not learn to fall asleep overnight. I, as a mother of an independent child, spent a week on this. But the result was worth it. If you are having difficulty with a particular situation, break down your request into sub-goals. The child does not understand what it means to “get dressed”. After all, this mother's requirement consists of: put on socks, put on pants, put on a jacket, shoes, zip up the jacket, and put on a hat. These are as many as 6 actions that a child cannot perform at once!

Hypothesis No. 6. The process of independence is inhibited if the child does not find approval in his actions and the parents do not encourage his independence. In the previous hypothesis, I already mentioned in passing about the praise that every child needs, like air. It is important here that the praise is directed towards the specific action of the child. Not "You are great" or "How beautiful." This leads the child to the thought: “Here it was necessary to finish painting”, “But I broke my mother’s vase yesterday, I’m not that great.” Tell me exactly what he is good at, in what specific action: “I see, you yourself managed to fasten the zipper! It's great!”,“You managed to draw the house very beautifully”. When a child understands what exactly he was praised for, it is easier for him to be active and independent next times, because, in the end, he may agree: “Yes, I like this house myself” or “I'm big, since I can fasten the zipper myself” … This is how not only independence is formed, but also correct self-esteem. But not only praise can move our children towards independence.

All children in different periods of growing up have one interesting word - "why". It seems to many parents that there is no limit to children's curiosity. I want to tell you a secret. Perhaps many already know about it. When a child asks "why …?", In fact, he is not interested in your answer. He needs most get to the bottom of the truth. He himself wants to understand why it is raining and you cannot run barefoot in the snow. He needs you at these moments in order to "stir up" his cognitive process. And this can be done thanks to one question that my husband and I often use in speech: "Why do you yourself think?" And the child begins to think. And answer. Let it be wrong. But he tried! Support this process with leading questions, show interest in its cognitive activity.

Hypothesis No. 7. Dependent parents do not have independent children. If you yourself are dependent on your parents, the opinions of colleagues, the judgments of friends, it will be difficult for you to raise independent children. Work on yourself. How do you see your family and your children in it? What principles do you follow and what family values do you have? Define them and build on that. Not on "how people say and how it should be," but "what is right for you and how you think is necessary."

If you still have fears and doubts about starting to release your child into an independent life, let's once again highlight the benefits:

• An independent child is a confident child. He knows a lot and believes in his own strength to cope with his situations in life. And if he realizes that he cannot cope, he knows who to turn to - his loving parents.
• An independent child is a child who is in harmony with himself. He is not worried about trifles, he has the correct self-esteem.
• An independent child is a smart child. He has enough strength to try more than once and, finally, get to the bottom of the truth, if something interested him.
• An independent child is an inquisitive child. He is interested in many things and nothing prevents him from learning even more.
• An independent child is a happy and joyful child who learns the world with all the pressure he has!
• An independent child is an independent adult in the future who is responsible for his life, for his actions and for his choices.
• And, finally, an independent child is happy, relaxing, wise parents who did the right thing in their time and put all the best in their child!