2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"I'm tired of the relationship I have with my son (4, 5 years old). I have a constant desire to beat him. It's hard. I feel like a terrible mother."
The suffering of a young woman (34 years old) is visible on her face. I asked if she was hitting her child.
"No. But it seems to me that it can happen at any minute. And is there any difference that I do not hit him. I really want this. For me it is the same thing. And this is terrible. Such thoughts should not be a good mother."
And in these words can be traced the fear of realizing their fantasies in action, guilt and shame for their "badness".
Let's reflect … When you have thoughts about punishing a child, it serves as a signal that you have accumulated a lot of stress and you are not coping with it. What do you mean "you can't cope"? Dissatisfaction, fatigue, irritation, anger, hatred accumulated. It's not easy to be alone with them. And it's a shame to say about them. After all, this is not consistent with kindness, tenderness and motherly concern. And you don't know what to do about it.
There is a fundamental difference between fantasizing about punishing a child and literally punishing him. To fantasize is not to do in reality. Yes, you may be intimidated by these thoughts. You may be afraid of their "magical" influence. And yet, fantasizing about beating and hitting is not the same thing. And you need to know and remember about this.
Sometimes our children are not only happy, contented and agree with us. They can show resistance, stubbornness, anger, aggression and demonstrate this.
Parenting is work for us as parents. Let's not compare easy or difficult. I think it can be different. Many sources teach how to treat a mother, a father with a child. And to a lesser extent about what is happening in the inner world of the parents themselves. When a child is born and we become parents, then our unresolved personal situations awaken in us. And they fly like a boomerang at our children. And they create an additional source of voltage.
All our repressed feelings from the past and present create inner tension and we reach the limit when it becomes unbearable to hold them. And the psyche is looking for ways to get rid of them. But how to do it?
There is a desire to stop this tension right now, throwing it on the child through shouting, threats, punishment, spanking, and even blows with a belt. This is how tension is released through the wound of the Other, weaker, who cannot yet equally resist you.
Agree that staying in the fantasy zone is more environmentally friendly for you and your child than going into the real punishment zone.
If you do not forbid your fantasies of punishment, then the internal pressure does not increase. And then there is a high probability that it will be easier for you to hold on. The release of tension occurs in the "fantasy zone" and the accumulated energy is wasted on images. And our psyche is perceived "not for fun, but for real." But this is only possible if you allow yourself to do so. Realizing what is happening and why it is needed.
If you go into the zone of action, then you inflict real psychological trauma on the child, and even physical. The child cannot understand, due to his age and his psycho-emotional immaturity, that "mom or dad cannot cope with their accumulated stress, because …" served as a stress reliever.
"I want to be a kind mom, but I can't!" To be good, you need to establish contact with what is generally happening to you personally and in your interaction with the child. Being only a kind mother will not work. This is not real, since the woman is not a fairy godmother from a fairy tale. And have you come across a story in fairy tales that the "good fairy" has her own children and she brings them up? I have not met. Usually in fairy tales, and as we know, they are the legacy of accumulated human experience, a kind sorceress appears with her magic wand from time to time. She does not cook porridge every day, does not clean the pot, does not collect the child for a walk, does not get up at night when he is sick, does not teach lessons with him …
Everything is not as straightforward as it might seem.
You can prohibit yourself from yelling at a child, you can prohibit punishing him, but how long is this prohibition? Everyone has their own experimental experience.
Feeling guilty and imperfect, parents most often focus on helping the child, take him to neurologists and psychologists.
But parents forget or do not know that it is their tension that is an additional source of neurosis and psychosomatic manifestations in the child. He is faced with his own "tasks" of growth and development, which require psychic energy. And then there is the "unresolved issues" of parents, which sometimes fall on the fragile shoulders of the child. And it can be impossible for a child to cope with the load on his psyche. Then a vicious circle is formed, which cannot be broken without parental rethinking of what is happening and restructuring.
By taking care of your psyche, you are taking direct care of your child as well. Your ability and ability to deal with your stress will improve contact and communication with your child.
It is better not to ignore the ingrained habits and experiences of our parents with us. They have long been a part of ourselves. They don't disappear on their own. It is necessary to master new paths, leaving the "old rails". And for this it is not enough to blame yourself and be ashamed. Shame and guilt only exacerbate the situation, increasing internal tension, which cannot be utilized without the acquired skills and abilities, turning them into a new experience.
Let us remember the words of C. G. Jung: "The greatest burden that falls on the shoulders of a child is the unlived life of his parents."
Use every opportunity to understand and know yourself, your inner world. Without this, things are worse.
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