Reflections On Mom-8. Gender Inequality, Or The Zeigarnik Effect

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There is an old anecdote. I will cite it here in full.

“The husband comes back from a business trip, enters the apartment, and there - the wife with her lover. He immediately grabbed his wife by the hair and poured it into her properly.

The wife comes home from the mother-in-law, and there - the husband with his mistress. The wife pounced on her and poured it properly.

Moral: whatever happens, the woman is to blame."

Why did I remember this anecdote? Because the same thing often happens in relation to husband and wife. If any problems happen during a marriage, it is always the woman's fault.

• The husband drank - she did not look well at whom she was marrying.
• The husband began to drink during the marriage - brought it.
• Husband left - made his life unbearable.
• Husband beat - provoked.
• The husband does not give money - that is not how he asks.
• The husband does not work - the wife does not inspire to take care of herself and the children.
• The husband does not help - she showed excessive independence.
• The husband is always busy with extra-family affairs - she could not explain to him how important he is to her.
• The husband shouts - the wife somehow supports his scandalousness.
• The husband is cheating - she was not good enough, smart and handsome husbands do not cheat …

Do you know these stories? If not, you live in Western Europe or the United States. Because in our reality, these distortions are obvious. And they become especially noticeable in therapy. Nine-tenths of the family sessions are usually about mom. And even when dad possessed all of the above set (aggressiveness, alcoholism, irresponsibility, infantilism), the grown up child, thoughtfully saying “Yes, it was not easy for her,” a minute later again begins to earnestly complain about mom. Although: attention! - it was she who worked, stayed with the children when the man left, took care and tried as best she could … But still she's to blame! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Buy her Gucci "Guilty" perfume!

I am not exaggerating. Let me give you a "classic" example. The third year of therapy, client Marina, 35 years old. Smart, beautiful, educated. Married. Mother and father are divorced - he left when Marina was 3 years old. Before that, my father drank and was rowdy. After that, he did the same, but with other women and other people's children. Earned money, lost it, organized businesses, burned out. And he drank, drank, drank … Didn't help. Didn't give money. Didn't appear in her life for about 30 years - and then suddenly - “Daughter! Dear! Darling! I was looking for you! Sorry, I'm to blame! I went through a 12-step alcoholism treatment program! My life has changed! I got it!"

And Marina forgave … And why not forgive - she gives gifts, gives money, fiddles with her granddaughter. An exemplary father and grandfather!

But Marina does not come with this. We have the 107th meeting - and almost the 107th episode of the Marlezon Ballet …

The problem is mom. Mom got it. Mom climbs into Marina's life. He calls her every day to find out how she's doing, what's going on. And Marina is pissed off! And she answers her mother rudely. And as soon as he thinks about his mother, she is “flattened” and “sausage”. And nothing helps - it's like a formed allergic reaction. For any mother's appearance in life.

But dad is beautiful. He's like a well-cut little black dress. You rarely wear it, it fits perfectly, it is necessary in the wardrobe. Dad appears once a month or a month and a half, asks Marina with interest about her life, asks permission to visit her granddaughter. In general, "does not violate the boundaries." But my mother violates. And it doesn't matter that Marina herself regularly asks her mother to sit with her sick daughter, so as not to take a sick leave - at work, this is strictly. And it doesn't matter what Marina uses her mother when she needs to go on vacation (once a year), go shopping in Vilnius or Warsaw (once a month), go to a hairdresser, for a manicure, pedicure (once a week), meet with girlfriend (once every two weeks) … On average, a mother is needed from two to seven times a week - after all, there are business trips, an emergency at work, and the girl is not yet three years old, and she does not go to the garden - she walks for a week, gets sick for a week. With all this, it was the mother who took maternity leave to take care of the baby and was with her for up to two and a half years, until Marina decided that her daughter needed to be "socialized" in a private kindergarten.

Marina realizes everything - and how much her mother has done and continues to do, and that without her mother she would not have been able to go to her beloved and very well-paid job … But all the same, the volume of anger at her mother, if it could be measured, would have turned out to be monstrous, and the amount of gratitude is almost zero.

And with dad - the opposite picture. Huge gratitude and slight offense: "It's a pity that you weren't with me all these years."

What does Marina want? She wants mom to function like a device with two buttons "on" and "off". Now Marina needs her - Marina pressed the button - and her mother appeared. Silently fulfilled the order - and just as silently, quietly left. But mom:

• He wants to talk to Marina on various stupid topics, and this infuriates!
• Doesn't leave right after Marina has returned home - and it infuriates!
• She does housework when Marina doesn't ask - and that infuriates!
• Calls - and this is very infuriating!
• Pampers her granddaughter - just madly enrages!
• Sometimes he argues with Marina and disagrees - he pisses it off!
• Communicates with people who do not like Marina and tries to tell something about them - it pisses me off!

The list is long. Mom doesn't like everything: and how she purses her lips resentfully when she restrains herself after Marina's next displeasure. And how he brings home raspberries and strawberries from the dacha - after all, Marina can buy everything herself, she does not need it. And how ironing dresses and trousers for a granddaughter, and shirts and trousers for a husband is a pointless exercise! And there is nothing to say about ironing bed linen in Marina's house - nowhere in the world does anyone do this, except in hotels … Sometimes she says: “I understand why dad drank … If she was always like this, it's understandable … I myself sometimes want to get drunk … When she doesn't hear me again …"

Listening to Marina, I have ambivalent feelings. On the one hand, I empathize - indeed, my mother does too much, takes care of Marina too much, cares too much about her husband and child.

On the other hand, I'm angry. If mom pisses you off so much - refuse her help! At all! Discuss the new rules of life, take the key to the apartment, explain yourself. And stop using it. Mom is a teacher, a young pensioner. She will always find a job and gradually fill her life with something new. But Marina prefers double messages: the text “How tired of you” is accompanied by the refrain “Don't leave me, I can't cope without you”. And I think: maybe my husband's ironed shirts and trousers, a happy child and a clean house are not such a high price to pay for talking to my mother … But Marina has nothing to compare with - her mother has always been, and the next act “how she got me” is played out …

Marina lacks one very important feeling in relation to her mother. This feeling is gratitude. Mom gave a lot and continues to give to her daughter. But everything is not right, everything is not so … Sometimes mother leaves Marina with tears in her eyes, sometimes she hangs up when her daughter starts scolding her over the phone … But mother always comes back. No matter how her daughter humiliated her, rejected her, scolded her …

Mom lets you do that with her.

But dad is not like that. When he just "returned" from a 30-year odyssey around the world of alcohol, Marina tried to make claims against him. But dad said firmly: the past cannot be changed, and either you accept me, your father, entirely, and renounce all claims and reproaches, or I leave your life. It is good that Marina had someone to “drain” her anger and anxiety - the therapist, the same mother, who, I must say, behaved nobly and did not say or do anything. Although I am sure - she was both hurt and offended … Because she put her soul into Marina. She worked one and a half times. She turned around with a small child as best she could - after all, she did not have such a helping mother. She did everything so that her daughter was not deprived of love and attention. She put on, drove, developed with a teacher's penny … We do not know what price she paid for it - loneliness, sore joints, insomnia … But she tried and did what she could. And dad didn't do ANYTHING. And now he is in chocolate - and my mother pisses me off.

I think about gender injustice all the time. Because in many families where the father is present only nominally or not at all - and the child bears his last name and his middle name - the mother does EVERYTHING.

But then the child grows up and forgets his childhood. He sees only the “getting”, “controlling”, “over-caring” part of the mother and fights with her. But this part appeared precisely because the second partner simply WAS NOT. What both parents should normally do was done by one mother. And of course, as an athlete who has been doing, say, swimming for a long time and developing the shoulder girdle, the mother over the years has been developing exactly those "muscles" on which the double load falls. And he continues to train in his care, care and assistance, because without load the muscles ache and ache.

How do athletes leave sports? They usually go away due to injury or age. How do super caring mothers leave the position of caregiver-breadwinner-cleaner-teacher? Or because of the trauma of rejection, humiliation, neglect - or because of the age when they can no longer perform the program "True Love" recorded on the hard disk. But it seems that it is not possible to simply erase this program. They don't hear. Do not notice. They take offense, but still continue to help.

Why? Because often there is nothing else in their life. Great advice: "Live YOUR life" does not work, because they did not have this life of their own. Raising children, working, running, trying … This was their life. And then - that's all, you are no longer needed … How to rebuild? What is this very "own life"? How to learn to live this life - and, in fact, live alone, no longer needed by your children and rejected by your grandchildren?

In the western model, you can travel for retirement savings, meet new people, be creative, study at a university of the third age … In the eastern one, your children will never leave you and will support and take care of you until your death. And only we, living in the transitional model "from East to West", do not know what to do. Children were raised in the old, communal way - they did what they could and could not, talked about mutual assistance, the importance and value of the family, mutual assistance, tried to give the best, denying themselves everything … True, in half of the families, the Pope was not there - but did our women forget how to stop galloping horses? Time has passed, values have changed, and now children talk about boundaries, personal space, refuse homemade pickles and jams … They do not understand how important it is for a mother to be needed and need to be important, meaningful, noticed for her children.

This is the reality of many modern families, where the mother raised her child alone. She dragged this heavy load - and now, when she has done everything, and the child has grown, successful, educated, smart (very smart) - she is not needed. But she doesn't need so much - respect, gratitude. And to talk. And she tries to deserve it - with her help, care, inclusion in the lives of children. It was like that before. But the world has changed - and now she is told: "You prevent us from living", "Leave us alone." She is not a fool - she was once able to raise such smart children - but why do they not have the patience to explain some simple things to their own mother? Explain, not expecting her to understand right away.

When we were little, my mother read us fairy tales and told us stories. Sometimes she had to repeat the same text a hundred times - and she did not get angry, did not take offense, did not shout "Are you stupid?" - but just reading, answering questions, talking … Do we really not have enough patience for our mother - to explain one, second, third, fifth …

“Mom, I love you very much, and I will ask you not to wash the floor in my house - I will do it myself. Better sit down."

"Mom, please, don't fry pancakes at my house - I'm on a diet, and fried is harmful for children, boiled is better for them."

“Mom, thank you, we don't eat jam. I know it's very tasty - I'll keep one jar for myself, no more."

Hard? But not very. Five, seventy-seven, or one hundred thirty-nine repetitions - as many as you need to remember. We also did not immediately learn to understand and do - but my mother was patient and repeated, repeated, repeated …

Yes, it's not easy, back in the 90s we did not know the words "codependency", "personal boundaries", "freedom of choice" … We have changed - but parents change more slowly. And how important it is to be patient with your super caring mothers. And how important it is to believe that relationships can change for the better.

But I'll still go back to the absent dads. I have always wondered why this is so - there was no dad, but the child treats him much better than the mother who is present all the time? I have several explanations.

1. Mom was always there, but dad was absent, and ideas about him were formed on the basis of stories, myths and fantasies. Whatever the mother says to the child about the father, he still often fantasizes that the father is extraordinary, strong, brave, very good … And if the mother did not say anything about him at all? The field for projections is huge, and there you can "place" either your ideal part (the father is a superhero) or the "dark side of power" (the father is a devil). But if the father was not with the child for a long time, he can neither confirm nor deny his ideas and remains in the mythological space of the country of Imaginationland. But my mother was there - and, of course, she did not always behave perfectly. Therefore, the image of the mother is close to reality, and the father is often just an ideal object.
2. One of the earliest defense mechanisms is cleavage. We use it all our lives and divide the world into "black" and "white", God and the Devil, good and evil and … Father and Mother. The image of a mother in childhood turns out to be split into a Good Mother (feeds; picks up; cares) and Bad Mother (does not come when the child cries; punishes; does not satisfy needs). Over the years, we usually come to a healthier ambivalence - when we realize that the same person - mom - can be very good and very bad at the same time. And some of them oscillate between the poles all their lives: mom is "good", then "witch." And when this splitting refers to the parental dyad, then for some time for the child / adult there is a dichotomy “good mother - bad father”. But if the child / adult continues to use splitting, then over time the poles change, and the picture turns into "good dad - bad mom." This happens not only in a family without a father - it happens in many complete families. And therefore, the more the mother says nasty things about the absent father, the more she splits the primary parental dyad and the more likely it is to receive a “kickback” later in the form of love for the father and hatred for the mother.
3. There is an interesting psychological effect that we are better at remembering unfinished actions than completed ones. He bears the name of Bluma Wolfovna Zeigarnik. So, in an incomplete family, the Zeigarnik effect lies in the fact that a lot comes to an end with our mother and not just once, but vice versa with our father. The boy and his dad were planning to go fishing - but the parents divorced and dad left. Dad promised to buy his daughter an expensive doll, but he washed it down and forgot. The girl had been waiting for her father for his birthday for many years - but he never came: the second wife forbade him … I remember what did not happen, fantasized, promised and did not happen, because the child had a desire, intention, motive - but something went wrong … And at any opportunity, we strive to complete the interrupted action. And that is why the children are so eager to restore the interrupted contact with their father - even if he was terrible, drank, beat their mother, shouted … Usually there was something good, something potentially interesting, important, significant - something that never happened … In an attempt to get something from his father - love, warmth, support - the child goes to the "betrayal" of the mother, starting to communicate with his dad in adulthood …, the other is bad - and reproduces it in his own family …

Every child has a mom and dad. The relationship between them develops in different ways or does not add up at all. Sometimes they live happily and die on the same day. Sometimes they live together, swear, reconcile, love, cool down … Sometimes they very quickly disperse and create new families or live alone …

The paradox is that it is impossible to derive a formula by which one can determine how an adult child will treat his parents. And therefore, sometimes we see how a mother who has done a lot is devalued and rejected, and the absent father becomes an idol and a hero. And sometimes the child remains loyal to both one and the other parent. And it happens that he is angry with both. Or loves mom but hates dad.

How you want clear and precise rules that will allow you to live happily. But they don't exist. However, one might think: what can we do for our children to avoid traumatizing them further in this crazy world? It's simple. We can:

Love them. Make rules that will help them navigate in life.

• Educate, develop, take care if they need it.
• Tell them good family stories. If we didn’t work out, there are stories of grandparents, aunts and uncles … Tell children the truth about the other parent, but “filter” it, because it’s hard to live knowing that half of your genes are from “a villain, an alcoholic, an idiot” or from "hysterics, witches, fools."
• Respect your past and your decision to give life to this child from this man (with this woman).
• In time, begin to slowly release control and leave the stage.
• Find a balance between being present in the child's life and self-interest.

What can we do for our parents?

• Love them.
• Tell them about the rules that differ from their own rules and will help them navigate your life.
• Do not try to reeducate, but try to care if they need it.
• Tell them good family stories about yourself, your partner, your children … Tell them the truth about your life, but “filter” it, because they don't need to know everything about you.
• Respect your past in the person of your parents, your present in the person of those you love and your future.
• Start taking care of yourself and your loved ones in time.
• Find a balance between being present in the life of a parent and self-interest.

I understand that I was not able to touch on all aspects of this topic. But I keep thinking about moms and dads. And I try to convey to Marina that there are always two parties involved in a relationship. Her father and mother took part in her birth, and both parents are present in her life today. The mother had the wisdom and strength to raise and educate Marina without the help of her father, and she did not “sketch” his image with black paint, which allows her daughter, at least now, to understand what the presence of a father in a child's life might be like. But now two close people - mother and daughter - hurt each other all the time. Although outwardly all this looks like Marina's constant anger at her mother and her mother's resentment at Marina, I understand that behind this outer shell there is a lot of other things - warmth, tenderness, love.

And so I hope that the day will come when Marina will leave the splitting of the parental couple and see them as real - each with its own “good” and “bad” background. And it will be calmer to perceive maternal care, realizing how little her mother needs.

Gratitude. Respect. And the presence in the life of your own child.