2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Highlighting your dark emotions takes endurance. It is scary to think that we could learn about ourselves by looking inside ourselves as if from the outside. What if some truth emerges that destabilizes our relationship. Or it will change our way of life, which, although not perfect, is familiar.
But to highlight does not mean to destroy. It means comparing history and context in order to bring out the full meaning of what is there, and then direct it to improve things. Emphasizing involves accepting your thoughts without necessarily believing them to be literal.
One of the greatest paradoxes of human experience is that we cannot change ourselves and our circumstances without accepting what is available now. Acceptance is a precondition for change. This means enabling the world to be what it is. After all, only when we stop trying to rule the world, we will come to terms with it. We still don't like a lot of things, but we'll just stop fighting them. And as soon as the war ends, changes will begin. Once we stop fighting what is, we can move on to more constructive and rewarding efforts.
A good way to become more receptive and empathetic is to look back at your own childhood. You were not given the choice of parents, economic circumstances, physique. Recognizing that you need to play your hand is the first step to becoming warmer and kinder to yourself. Under the circumstances, you did the best you could. And they survived.
The next step is to move from a traumatized child to an adult. Will you now mock this child, reproach for mistakes, demand explanations? Hardly. You will most likely take the sad child in your arms and try to comfort him. Why does an adult treat himself with less compassion?
It's important to remember the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is a feeling of heaviness and pity due to your failure or wrong action. This is not a toy - like other senses, it has its own expediency. Feelings of guilt are necessary in order not to repeat mistakes (and crimes).
Guilt is related to a specific wrongdoing, and shame is about a feeling of disgust. Shame concentrates on a person's character. Shame stigmatizes a person as a bad person, not a person who did a bad thing. Therefore, those who are ashamed often feel humiliated and devalued. Therefore, shame rarely prompts people to fix something. Research shows that those who feel ashamed start to defend themselves, try to avoid punishment, disclaim responsibility, or shift the blame onto others.
What is the main difference between these emotions? The answer is self-compassion. Yes, you did the wrong thing. Yes, you are worried about this, but it should be so. Maybe you really did wrong. Even so, wrongdoing does not make you incorrigibly bad. You can fix something, ask for forgiveness and get down to work, repaying the debt to society. You can draw conclusions from mistakes and behave differently in the future. Self-compassion is a cure for shame.
To be continued…
The article appeared thanks to the book "Emotional Agility" by Susan David
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